Am I wrong for being annoyed

[Lily189]

Hi everyone me and my bf have been together 5 years and have 2 kids once a week we get the kids minded we have our date night we usually have drink listen music wen we can we go out for something to eat

A few days ago I herd my bf on phone to his friend inviting him to come drink with him on our date night this friend hasnt even spoke him in years and didnt congratulate my bf when we had our kids it was like he got annoyed my bf settled and had kids

Am i wrong to be annoyed hes arranged this on our night and hasnt even mentioned to me it's as if hes just not going say let him turn up

I want to say to my bf i dont want drink with him and I'd rather he went his friend house himself but think my bf going take me saying this as me starting an argument

It's just I cant help feel hes reaching out this old friend to try have bit his old lifestyle ( this friend was only around when my bf drunk and partyed all the time) and push away from me abit hes been abit distant and snapping alot lately and I cant help feel it's all related

I'm just dreading tomorrow now I dont know how to bring up I dont want be there and am annoyed he wants do this when our night off is ment be date night

All advice be great thanks

If you have a once a week free night where you drink and go out for food whilst the kids are looked after, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to see his friend as a one off on that night on the face of it. Reading the rest of your post is seems more about him being distance and perhaps trying to reconnect with his life pre you / pre DC? It's strange he hasn't mentioned it to you at all, are you able to bring up that you overheard him at all?

Just tell him to meet his mate another night. Or if you go out every week send him on his own this time?

No you're not wrong to feel annoyed, but wait and see what happens tomorrow. See if you're OH feigns surprise that his friend has turned up, as you know it is a lie. Then tackle him about it. The problem is if he wants to recapture his single life there's not a great deal you can do about it and trying to stop him will make him want it more. It's a tough one, but try and nip it in the bud at the start if you can.

You may find he's actually moved on from this friend, but he's the one that needs to realise it.

its not unreasonable to try ti reconnect with an old friend. But of course he should have mentioned it to you.
You packed a lot in the 5 years of the relationship - I am sure life with two tiny kids isn’t easy and has been a massive adjustment. So - him being tired may also have something to do with how he has been. I’d not be jumping to conclusions about him distancing himself so quickly.
Or blaming the old friend.

It’s ok to reconnect with friends

considering you get a date night once a week I think it’s ok that you each spend time with other people

with all due respect this friend might not have liked you and thought you controlling so just left the friendship

we all need friends outside our partner

It's not unreasonable at all for him to want to have a night out with a mate so can he not do that outside of your date night?

I do find it weird that you think he should have nothing to do with this mate because he didn't congratulate you when you had a baby. It's not healthy to control a partner's friendships

Right or wrong doesn't matter; this is bothering you, and your partner should care if you're bothered.

What stops you saying to him 'I'm annoyed that you've planned something on our date night'? What would he say, do you think, if you did?

If its a one off it's fine. Sine men don't have that eeeeek so happy for you side about babies. Some men are just not naturally like that.

Maybe he's feeling abut cut off from friendships and wants to add more social things in..that's understandable I guess.

If its a one off it's fine

But it's upset OP. What rules is she meant to be obeying that dictate that something that pisses her off is 'fine'?

YANBU to be annoyed he has planned something, without telling you, on the night you have the kids watched and use that time to spend together as a couple.

I also understand people saying well its a one off and you do this every week, but thats not the point. He could have arranged to meet his friend any other night of the week. But the main thing here is he arranged it without even consulting you, when he should be consulting you purely because thats the night you do your date night. So it does affect you directly.

I think the only thing you can do here, as he thinks you do not know, is discuss your date night plans with him and suggest what you would like to do - somewhere that involves being out of the house. And then see if he mentions the friend coming over. Or see what his response is.

You never know, the friend might have cancelled right after he made the arrangements so may not even be coming?

As an aside I think its great you prioritise a night once a week as a couple! With young kids it can be so hard to maintain things like this, and couple time can so easily get sidelined or neglected. So I get why it is really important to you.