Am I going mad?

[Aglean]

I found it really difficult trying to explain my situation so I wrote it as a story... The annoying thing btw is not 'humming' but it was easier to explain it this way. Am I going mad? Making a problem out of nothing? What can I do to address it because right now if I could I would leave.. obviously this story is pretty simplistic and there are other factors involved here but your thoughts would be very helpful.

Mary and Peter were happily married. They loved each other very much. They argued sometimes but who doesn't?. There was however one thing that Mary did that got on Peter's nerves. She would hum under her breath, not alot but occasionally, so it wasn't a big deal so Peter ignored it. Over time Peter noticed that Mary was humming more often and sometimes it was quite loud. He wasn't sure if she knew she was doing it and it was pretty annoying so he decided to say something. "Would you mind not doing that humming thing you do it's a bit annoying" Mary replied " really? I didn't know I was humming, maybe I am not really humming are you sure it's not you that's hearing things?" Peter, a bit surprised at Mary's reaction just agreed, maybe I am imagining it he thought. If it happens again I will listen more carefully to make sure. Over time Peter tried to continue to ignore the humming, even though he knew for sure she was definitely humming, sometimes he would say to her that she was humming, and she would deny it and make it sound like it was actually Peter who was hearing things.

Although Peter knew it wasn't a big deal, the humming really started to annoy him, he started to avoid certain situations so he didn't have to listen to the humming, he felt hurt and dismissed whenever he tried to explain to Mary that she was humming and that he didn't like it, in fact it wasn't even the humming that was so much the problem anymore it was the fact that she wouldn't accept that she was humming and that she was making out that he was imagining it.

One day Peter couldn't take anymore. The humming was happening more often and really loud. To make matters worse the kids had also started humming, and if Peter asked them to stop they would reply, "well Mary does it so why shouldn't we"
He tried to explain to Mary about the humming and how it made him feel when she denied it and then saying he was hearing things when he knew that he wasn't hearing things.

Mary was angry. "Well", she said, "I am not going to admit to humming when I know I am not, it is all in your head, you have such a big problem with humming that you are thinking that I am doing it when I am not. This is your problem not mine, so stop trying to blame me for your problem"

Peter was a bit lost, what was he supposed to do now? The humming was driving him nuts. When the humming started he withdrew from interacting with Mary, it started to really make him feel angry with her and didn't want to be around her. He fluctuated between knowing that he wasn't imagining it and being annoyed, but also not believing himself and doubting his own mind and feelings. Mary was getting more angry because Peter was creating an atmosphere and making problems that didn't need to be a big deal.

Mary just wouldn't listen or accept the problem so what does Peter do?

This is weird. I don’t know.

Point out to Mary that the DC are hearing the humming too, and say that as Mary does it, they do it too.
Peter could go for a hearing test to rule out any tinnitus or something.
Mary is gaslighting Peter.

If I were Peter, I'd out hum the rest of them, loudly and out of tune

I’m not sure Mary knows she’s humming, so I’m not convinced it’s gaslighting. However as the kids hear it I don’t understand the drama, why doesn’t Peter just have the kids tell her

Have none of them heard of voice recorders?

Honestly OP it is hard to comment without knowing what the 'thing' is. You say it's not humming but can't you just tell us what it is? The big issue is whether it's possible that Mary genuinely doesn't realise she's doing it.

I feel it is crucial that we know what she does rather than base comments on a substitute 'thing'. It could make a difference to the advice and comments. People are notoriously biased in their interpretation of events so facts rather than a subjective interpretation ofwhat the author thinks is equivalent to would have resulted in more helpful and objective responses.
It's quite annoying when you tweak the story but I understand it might be too identifying or uncomfortable to share;

Ok. Fair enough. I wrote this to try and explain it to OH in more simpler terms but thought I would get opinion here first......

Replace Humming with 'silent treatment' or 'snappy tone'

Op I'm confused. It's not humming but silent treatment? And are you Peter in this situation?

If so, silent treatment and gaslighting are abusive behaviours and clearly it's affecting your kids if they are mirroring that behaviour.

It might be helpful to set out the issues in full and the lovely women on here can advise you.

Really we have no idea what you are on about unless you actually say it. Do we substitute humming for being vague and utterly confusing?

This is confusing. So basically your (I assume) OH is being arsey with you but denying it?

Have never been to a forum like this before about anything and it feels a bit uncomfortable.... 😳

Please start again and explain what the problem is.It is hard to understand your story so better to explain exactly what you need help with.Good luck.

A bit confusing really! Humming unconsciously and giving someone the silent treatment add two very different things. One night be a bad habit and the person isn't aware they're doing it, the other is a deliberate withdrawal of affection/emotional tactic.

If your partner and children are constantly giving you the silent treatment and snapping at you, this does not sound like a very happy home. Sounds like there's way bigger issues going on.

Don't be scared op. We can help, it's just the full facts are needed.

There's lots of resources people can signpost you to.

So it's not humming? That would be easily solvable as you could record the hummer. Is it silent treatment?

Hi OP. This is an anonymous forum and nothing you've written is particularly unusual or identifiable, so saying 'humming' when it's not actually humming is going to cause unnecessary confusion.

If it's silent treatment or snapping, as your later post states, then you need to be clear about that. Giving someone the silent treatment or snapping at them constantly is a very different thing to an annoying humming habit!

Humming is very different than silent treatment or snappy behaviour.

Humming either is happening or isn't. There is no middle ground. Saying it isnt, when it is, is gaslighting

Being snappy to a certain extent is a matter of perspective. If the person doesn't believe they are being snappy they are simple stating what they believe to be true. Their partner may not agree with them. The same with someone who is just naturally quiet unless they actively have something to say.

Ultimately if your partner is annoying you everyday, it doesn't matter how acceptable or not not that behaviour is to the public at large, you can still leave simply because it is incompatible to your peace of mind

Silent treatment or a snappy tone is quite different to humming. Your clarification makes it easier to understand.

I know you feel uncomfortable but for the benefit of the reader, can you call a spade a shovel and tell us what’s happening? You don’t have to use anything identifying.

Mumsnet admins have always obliged when the op asks for the thread to be removed. Sometimes they take a little time especially if it's requested in the dead of the night (UK time) but they are very understanding. You could also post a new thread in the 30 days only section.

A lot of couples have this silent treatment, gas lighting and snappy tone issues unfortunately you wouldn't be identified just from that I don't think.

So he is snappy with you and gives you the silent treatment but completely denies it when you try to ask him why? This isn't good OP