Is this being mean?

[Ginprince]

We are 12 years together, both in our 60's. She works three days a week and I am now semi-retired. For the last 7 years I do most of the shopping and have cooked our supper 4 or 5 times a week, always fresh & healthy food and we tend to watch the evening news on the iPad at the same time. Afterwards, I generally clear up after although sometimes she will or we share doing it. Including prep and cooking time it takes me a few hours on average and I am happy to do it because I love her and understand that she is tired from work. However she will often finish her meal, get up from the table, open the dishwasher put her plate etc in then close the dishwasher and do something else. This is whilst I am sat at the table having finished before her (watching the news) and she leaves me to put my own plate away. It has happened twice this week and it upsets me that having done everything she can't reciprocate a little, she also rarely says thanks for the meal but always eats everything!. So last night I asked her what went through her mind when she does this (I have mentioned it before) and why she doesn't clear mine as well (I always clear her plate)? Her response is "you are perfectly capable of putting your own plate away". This makes me feel completely unappreciated and my response tends to be along the lines of "well you are perfectly capable of doing your own shopping and preparing your own meal". This then leads to a ding dong argument that achieves nothing apart from the internal damage that goes with it. I know that the sensible response would be to ignore it and just get on with clearing my own things however when mixed with the other relationship issues that change over time I worry about her commitment to the future. We are generally OK and strong on intimacy but I have to accept that she is the type of person who will chat about nearly everything apart from her own feelings which are a closed book and always have been. When it comes to discussing feelings and talk about the future (marriage is not an option for either of us) I get nowhere and have suggested counselling to improve the communication between us but for her this a big no no. So for me I have to look at the evidence of her behaviour to try and work out what's going on in general.

It wasn't aways like this, maybe just the last few years, is her behaviour mean or am I overthinking it?

I would say it's rude and thoughtless maybe a bit ungracious rather than mean.
I wonder if she is resentful about working or the division of other home chores? It just seems so passive aggressive.

I know that the sensible response would be to ignore it

Why do you think it would be sensible to ignore something that bothers you? You'd ignore it if it didn't matter, but it does: do you know why? It's quite plain from your post, but have you realised?

Does she take care of all the other household chores?
Or is it split between you?

Personally I always pick up dh plate if I'm walking past him with mine and he's the same regardless of who's cooked etc but then we have a good share of household stuff between us so neither of us are resentful

Maybe she feels she does everything else

Who does the cleaning, washing, hoovering, ironing and organising - boiler service, house insurance, Chimney sweep etc?

Perhaps she is making a point.

Is it just me, am I misunderstanding, you are arguing because she doesn’t put your plate in the dishwasher? Like seriously? Is that it?

Thanks, we share chores; she is a cleanaholic for bathrooms and floors😊, I do the laundry, ironing, bedding and hand wash both cars each week. I organise boiler service and utilities etc so we are both ok with our shares.

You sound like a lovely partner.

Given what you say about the apportionment of chores and presumably you are happy with that, I think it is very rude of your partner to do as you describe.

In my book it’s very rude & discourteous for anyone to leave the table before everyone is finished. (Except children but only then with permission.)

In your position why not stop watching the news while you eat? Perhaps you could watch it later or catch up on BBC news 24?
The iPad is a distraction that maybe is giving her permission to get up because you are engrossed but not with her?

Eating together is a social activity so could you use it as an opportunity to communicate, talk about your day, gossip?

If she is intransigent or defensive then perhaps you have a bigger problem that needs airing? It’s the small things which are catalytic to frustrations, blow ups & worse outcomes.

Well, my mum thinks I'm a catch 😅. Seriously, I try to be the best person I can each day, other than transferring all my assets I have nothing else to give! So I am concerned for the future.

I will try your suggestion re the iPad, hadn't thought of that angle.

There is a bigger problem but I can't get to it because she flatly refuses to talk about her feelings, when things heat up and we start going round in circles I find myself often saying we can't communicate and it's true. She tells me she is committed to the future but I have my doubts when she shows little care.

Coming on here has helped me reflect on things differently and I am going to seek professional help on how best to manage the communication between us so that we can both be happier. I appreciate your input, many thanks.