How to cut this guy off peacefully

[Chapter111]

Hi everyone. Got myself into a little pickle and need some advice.

To cut along story short I've had 2 relationships my whole adult life from 21! I was with my children's dad for 9 years and then I managed to bag myself a pretty awful relationship for 18 months with a nasty piece of work. It has taken me time and effort to get happier..I've stayed on my own for the last 8 months I've not done anything.

Anyway 2 months ago a guy on Facebook that worked with someone I knew added me. He made some general chit chat and I was super impressed he could hold a conversation. I was actually thinking I might take a little chance in a few weeks and consider meeting him. He was actually really funny as far as voice notes went. He looked attractive and no signs of a big head or a flirt.

A few weeks in this person who worked with him said she saw he was on my Facebook. She said he's a really nice bloke but 3 things.

1: he was an addict for 20 years but 5 years clean
2: he has no teeth hardly at the top
3: he doesn't look like his photos on fb.

I was quite surprised because his photos with his ex were taken in the last 3 years and he's not filtered.

I think I thought at first let's see what he says and I put my breaks on. Around a week later he did tell me and I did decide I wasn't going down that road after my ex was a horrible dry drunk amongst many things. So I told him I wasn't ready for any sort of romance.

I hoped he'd take the hint but he kept texting and it's got to this point where I just haven't got that heart to ghost him. I've attempted a few times to encourage him to move on and not wait about and he's insisting he's not going anywhere.

But what's really got to me is he has only just gone back to work after 3 months off and he has expected consistent contact throughout the day..it was fun at first but when I tried to cut it down he got really paranoid and it was really giving me the ick. I was out with my sons one day and I still messaged him a litte and he told me he was really missing me. So I've always found him too much.

A week ago he was tagged in videos from bonfire weekend and I finally got the evidence of him not looking like his photos. He laughed on a video and all his teeth are gone. He's bloated and definitely looks like an addict. He looked alot older and it really shocked me how misleading his photos are.

Anyway I take full responsibility that I found him easy to talk to about my own problems and I think he came along when I was low and he just became a sounding point. But I got a text last night saying he's thought of a little surprise for me to show Me how much I mean to him. I asked him not to do anything like that and he's gone pretty quiet.

We've never Met I just feels I overshared my relationship problems and I'm worries now if I cut him off he will use it against me.

Any advice how to cut this guy off abit more? I'm just not having a good year.

Just say you’re focusing on yourself and your family, you need the energy and time hence hope he understands he needs to leave you be.

Boundaries, OP. You don’t owe him anything.

No one can 'insist' you stay in contact with them let alone have a relationship.

Just say you have a lot going on right now. This isn't going to work for you. You need to concentrate on you and your Dc, take care etc etc and just stop replying.

If he becomes insistent block. Or mute. Or whatever. But don't be bullied into staying in contact.

I swear I've read this story on here before

Thank you. I am in therapy as I'm learning alot about myself. Unfortunately part of the abusive ex was everyone got involved and so many screen shots and things were sent about. Because he's a nasty man he's surrounded by drama. I guess I just naturally overthink the consequences.

I think that's a good idea about wanting to concentrate on my kids. He's just really not taking the hint. I've told him a few times and he says it annoys him because of what my ex did nobody gets to have me. But I can't really say to him your not the person you led me to believe. He did tell me 2 weeks ok he takes 10ml of methadone a day too. I used to work in a pharmacy before my kids so I know all about that.

Thank you. You are right I don't owe him anything. I'm just sick of messaging him everyday. There's nothing to talk about.

You haven't read it from me I've joined mumsnet this morning for this very reason. I'm brand new!

You can't hint with someone like that you have to be direct: I don't have romantic feelings for you and I need to focus on myself and family. and then don't reply

Block him, on everything. You owe him literally nothing. He could look like Chris Hemsworth and you would still be within your rights to block him.

I'm not a big FB user but how does someone "add" you on fb? I don't like the sound of that. I thought a request had to be sent and accepted?

He sent me a request and I usually never accept them but he looked nice and I just thought why not.

I think ignoring him is the only way isn't it. My friend said he already thinks you belong to him.

Thank you for the replies I think you are right it's the only way

In future do NOT share your relationship history with a new man for a long time until you know and trust him. It's not normal bonding time to over share your relationship history. It just hands abusive or dysfunctional men tools to manipulate you (which this man is doing)
Just tell him you're not interested in a relationship and you're focusing on yourself and your children and stop replying.

I agree - no point in hinting. I was texted inappropriately for weeks by someone at work, late at night, I tried to be diplomatic and nice but he would not get the hint. In the end I had to be very blunt - stop texting me. It worked for a couple of weeks then started and I had to tell my manager and email - stop contacting me. It did stop.

You are so lucky that you were warned by his colleague and never met him. I would tell him to stop contacting you and then block him. You cannot negotiate with people like this.

Yeah i will be very careful going forward thank toy. My last relationship left me in abut if a vulnerable place and I wasn't thinking straight to be honest. That's definitely part of my lessons going forward. It's all worked out awfully wrong because I live up one side of my town and my ex, this guy and the friend who worked with him all live on the same street 3 miles away. I've actually stopped speaking with the woman because she was also bringing drama and added My ex on fb to hurt me.

I have a really decent set of friends and family but it's like being linked to my ex has brought all these people around me not from My world. I feel I'm trying to keep the peace.

Thanks for the advice

Sorry for the spelling mistakes doing this one hand with my son clinging onto my other arm.

This should be fun not making you anxious. Just be blunt, say this isn't working for me, wish him well for the future then remove him from Facebook first then block him on your phone etc I would give him a chance to reply personally but then be strong and stick to it. Someone much better is out there for you when the time is right.

Send him the message you're busy and block him.
Block anyone who hassles you about it.

He's playing on your good nature.
He knows and understands that you don't want to be in a relationship, you've made that clear, he's ignoring your wishes and thinks he can change your mind.
After the next message from him text back "hi X, I need to concentrate on myself and my DC, wish you all the best for the future"
Then block because I'd bet my house that he still won't take no for an answer.
It's perfectly fine to block someone who won't leave you alone despite you repeatedly telling him you don't want his attention.
I don't think you'll get any come back such as him sharing your messages as he'll probably move onto someone else but if he does so what.
Good luck

He's on methadone.

Block him.

Yeah exactly. My head is smarter now. Before My ex I saw the world in pink but now I see it as dark and I don't trust anymore but also the smallest thing puts me off now..what was sweet before is now needy. I get really turned off by men with too much time. Always online. Never go out. Don't seem to have any hobbies or friendships. I'm not the life and soul by any account but I have 3 friends I see regularly and I do go for a meal eith friends and when I'm on my own I go out walking and stuff. I'm not one to sit inside for days.
I've noticed this man has never met up with a friend. He said he cut everyone off when he got clean which is understandable but I don't want to settle for less.

Do you know why My ex was able to abuse me? Because on first impressions of him I had created this false idea on my head. He knew how to act like he'd be a positive happy Hard working family man. But he needed me for everything. He sponged of me for months and he was vile with words and was a massive liar. I was completely manipulated. He had all these sneaky emotional affairs going on and exes and allsorts in contact still. It was truly awful and I did feel for a short period of time I didn't want to be here anymore. Its been a year where I've learned alot about myself. I was sheltered growing up and i am genuinely nice. I'm not stupid though and I pulled my ex up on his behaviour which is why we didn't last long. But non the less I ignored all the warnings.

Thank you and I hope this is the end of addicts and toxic men coming at me.

Well I've not heard from him this morning which is a great sign..so perhaps me saying I didn't want him to get me anything has worked.

I'll stay silent now and hope he leaves me alone..If he does return which I'm sure he will I will do what you've advised thankyou.

It doesn't matter you are right because he's said plenty himself and has judged and made comments about people. Surely he won't go that low. Thank you.

Ah OP, I understand how easy it is to get sucked into these things. I've done it! It's actually very good that your mutual friend tipped you off about his addiction issues before you got into this any deeper. I'm no expert but I would imagine that if he's on methadone, the temptation and disease of addiction are still banging loudly on his door. That's a whole lot of chaos you do not need to be near.

As others have said, I think you need to craft a firm, non-flowery message to say you do not want to have any further contact. You wish him well but your text friendship has now come to an end. It might escalate a bit but if it does, it'll show you any manipulative traits...and that's what the block button is for.

It might take a few days for your feelings to settle down (like you might feel falsely guilty or something) but you'll be fine in no time at all.

You've already told him you're not interested, you dont even need to block, just stop replying to him. Leave him on read (or unread, it doesn't matter which). He can't have a conversation with himself, so ignore him.

Hopefully this will just fizzle out now naturally. It’s easy to fall into questionable dalliances especially after an abusive relationship.

I just wanted to add that someone taking 10mg of methadone daily may be clear of heroin, but they are still very much an active addict as I’m sure you know from your previous role, it’s actually more addictive than heroin itself so for this alone you’re doing the right thing.

Well I've not heard from him at all today and that's a very strong sign he's taken a hint! I will ignore now and hopefully he gets the message. Thank you so much for the help I was scared I'd get told off. I am glad others have been in a similar situation.

Yes I did think the methadone thing was a massive problem..he is allowed to take it home weekly but I could do alot better for my children.

Methadone rots teeth and I remember in my pharmacy days the black and missing teeth. I wouldn't judge someone just because a tooth was missing as things happen. Even I have a back tooth that broke but the rest of my teeth are in good condition so it was one of those things.

But to be 40 and happy to have at least 6 teeth missing and not getting dentures etc to improve your appearance is abit odd. He's actually boasted in the odd message he is not a bad looking guy. For what it's worth I think he was very attractive 10 years ago before it had destroyed his looks. I can see he looked good back then. That's why he's still using those photos.

It seems addicts age even more once they stop the substance.

My ex was a sober alcoholic so I never saw him drink. But he aged terribly in the year following quitting. Where as 5 years ago he was also quite a nice looking man.

Hopefully he will slowly drop away now or hopefully fast if I don't communicate.

I can't take back the stuff I told him before I knew more. But it's happened now. I'm guessing mentioning his teeth isn't an easy subject but to be honest it's all around bad because of the methadone, teeth and the fact he's in his parents spare room again. He hasn't exactly got his life set up and I'm of no way high meintance but u have learned my lesson getting involved with someone who's life was a complete s h I t show.