Please help me not text him - hive backbone required

[Vinvertebrate]

I am a name-changing late 40’s female divorcing a coercive controlling husband. We have a disabled child.

My H was a Jekyll and Hyde type with 2 modes - madly in (slightly obsessive) love with me or calling me every name under the sun. I suspect he’s unhinged but he is outwardly high-achieving and much adored by all.

I spent some platonic time with a male friend after separating from H and (yawn) developed feelings for him that I confessed after a bottle of wine. He said he felt the same but it was complicated - his mad ex wife, kids, money, he has health problems too.

We’ve been in a pattern since May of him coming over to my house for sex and home cooked food. He doesn’t even stay the night. We have never gone out anywhere. (When platonic we used to at least meet for coffee). His reasons for not staying over are varied - he snores, he’s an insomniac. We arranged a sleepover after many months and he canceled because he had a cold.

On the positive side, he has bought me some nice quirky presents and is a good listening ear. However, he has told nobody about me and there are no plans to introduce DC. He said he wants to take things slowly. There is little talk of feelings and no talk of love.

I know I’m a mug. I’m so terribly lonely and I long for someone to help me believe that all the shitty things H said are not true. (I’m fat and frumpy and a chav with no class).

I need the hive mind’s help please not to message the OM and start the whole humiliating debacle up again. Please can someone talk me down.

Thanks for reading of you got this far. <sits on hands>

Sit in your hands!!!! This is going nowhere and you know it. No talk of the future, no real dates, no staying over. He’s using you. You can do so much better than this. What your ex says is untrue. I realise you’re lonely but this “friend” isn’t the answer. Work on you.. do things YOU love, sort out your wardrobe and your weight if it’s getting you down, maybe try online dating. You will get past this but you have to stop contact with him

And believe me, the less you text the quicker you forget about them. Carrying on texting is just fuel for a fire that you need to put out

What ARE you doing woman?! Come on now!

You know this is just an exercise in futility. Pick up your self respect, pull yourself up, download a good book and block his number.

To carry on with this would be to just further erode your confidence. You're worth more than some bloke popping over for a convenient bunk up.

Aren't you?

Are you being a mug? I suppose it depends whether you want to get into a serious relationship but if he is good company and a good shag, could you just see him as your fwb for now? He doesn't sound like he wants more and if you do, then end it. But if he's Mr Scratches an Itch rather than Mr Right, I don't think that makes you a mug at all.

Go and get in the bath (run the bath first) with a large drink and a book. And leave your phone in another room. To deal with the immediate want to text him.

Then going forward just block him. You’re obviously not getting anything from this, so as a PP said, you’ve got to just cut contact.

And I bet you aren’t any of the shitty things your ex-said. He’s a knobber too. Is it maybe worth considering counselling to rebuild your self-esteem and get over both of these relationships?

AND DO NOT TEXT HIM

Freedom programme and counselling

be kind to yourself when you ex is 1/10
its easy to think 3/10 is a step up

it isn’t

Thank you. @Everydaywheniwakeup I can’t do a fwb - I actually really like the bastard, more fool me. My male barometer is way off.

Thank you for the giggles especially. I am running that bath.

The first relationship after an abusive one is more often than not a boundary-less mess. You're just giving yourself away in a different way. It happened to me and I didn't see it because he was very gentle and calm and yet our 'set up' suited him entirely. Eventually I saw it though.

Don't text this man who has not taken you out on a date. You've cooked for him and he's never tried to treat you in response to that.

Get turned off by that pet. Eugh. He took your home cooked meals and the pleasure of your company and he slept with you and he didn't even want to take you out and make sure he treated you. Eugh. Yuck. Turn off.

The great thing about getting turned off is that you don't have to have endless court cases inside your head, debating pros and cons of tolerating this, pros and cons of drawing a line under this.

You just feel 'ick' and that's it.

I hear you. Get yourself a wonderful sex toy. Best thing ever, I hope I do not offend you, I seriously mean no disrespect.

You are so empowered by sorting your own needs out . But, it is something us abused women, we have to learn.

Please, never let anyone make you feel used and worthless. It is utterly wonderful too, chuck it on the floor , you cannot do that with a bloke. Unless, you are trained in marshall arts .

Take some time out for yourself, start loving you, realise your self worth and that you are bloody amazing. Please, sweet lass love yourself, known your worth and be your own cheerleader. If someone does not bring anything to your table, please block, forget and find someone that will. Set your bar high in life xx

The x's insults are designed to make a woman who could feel good about herself feel bad herself.

If your x didn't look at you and see that other men will be interested, he wouldn't even bother trying to tear you down.

I have to laugh now when I think of the things my x said to me. I was a hairy midget apparently. Well, I'm not tall it's true, and ....... I did used to get my legs waxed. But he reduced me to A Hairy Midget. It's actually funny. He also told me I was too stupid to cook a ready meal once. I kind of laugh at that one too. A hairy midget too stupid to cook a ready meal.

Even if you did not have a ''crappy childhood'' Anna Runkle The crappy childhood fairy on youtube is excellent. She reads out letters from women who are very emotionally invested in to various losers or users or hopeless cases that just aren't good for them and she really breaks it down. REALLY breaks it down, exactly why these situations are hopeless, but why we might be drawn to them... she spells it all out with such understanding and compassion it's not difficult to press play and hear what's coming, you really feeling understood and wiser after her videos.

@xJ0y right you are clearly my ex’s ex.

He reckons I am too short to get away with any flesh on my arse, my slovenly waxing habits are unconscionable to most females and no other women have large cotton undercrackers for day wear, they all sashay around in thongs made of floss
st all times. 🤔

Indulge in some lovely self centred therapy - better than a lot of the sex I've had over the years, fab for self esteem, so very interesting. You're worth it.

@Mollythemoo no offence taken. I’ve got one but dammit I want a cuddle.

I have not texted. 🙌

I'll help. I'm a similar situation, split up two months ago from someone who I was in a relationship with for seven years, but we were constantly breaking up and getting back together. This time I think I've cracked it though, I've realised how bad he was for me and I don't want to go back to that. I kept taking him back because I felt sorry for him, but I'm not his mother. He needs to grow up now and I need to be able to have a life.

Have you written down all the negative aspects of the relationship? I keep them in my phone to read when I find myself thinking about him.

I think it takes time, but we start to think about them less and less. Keeping busy helps, message a friend instead of him?

It's so difficult when you want a cuddle but stay strong. I promise it gets easier, the more time passes the more distant he becomes. The sense of inner peace that comes from not having to constantly think about someone else's opinion of you is worth more than anything.

You need time to be single not rushing into anything.

Learn to be alone without a man for a bit.

Don't from one disaster to another.

Heal first

I love that it's so true!