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Relationships

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Original poster

I know it´s a bit personal .. but anyone else have experience of dp or dh using viagra?

21 replies

Littledilemma · 31/01/2008 09:15

Hi, my marriage has been almost sexless for the past 7 years since ds1 was born, I tried everything to try and revive things but basically dh has a low sex drive and doesn´t think it´s such a big deal, whereas I think it´s very important as part of a happy, healthy relationship. About 10 months ago he eventually went to the doctors about it and was prescribed viagra, we gave it a few attempts but I found it a huge turn-off that he had to take a pill to feel "sexually attracted" to me, and goes against my belief that sex and intimacy should be a natural and loving experience. I know it´s probably totally unjustified, but I had a huge problem with him using viagra so we gave up-

Then a few months ago I found some text messages on his mobile phone to another woman, he said it was just meaningless flirting and he never met her or had any intention to do so (which was confirmed by the woman in question), and dh was very sorry and promised never to do anything like that again. Things actually improved a lot after that, we got counselling and we were having massages and sharing a lot more intimacy, communicating much better, etc. beginning to feel like a proper couple again. And recently we even managed to have sex after one of our intimate sessions. So, really thought things were looking up until I found a secret stash of viagra! Which makes me feel deceived once again .. he says he only wanted to try and make me happy, he´s a wonderful husband in every other way and a great dad and I love him and want things to work out for us. Am I being unreasonable about the viagra? Anyone else have experience of dp or dh using it? My self-esteem is at rock bottom, as I just feel it´s all my fault, that he´s gone off me since having children, that I´m no longer sexually attractive to him, and don´t know what to do. I´m 36, cannot live forever more without sex but at the same time do not want dh to feel pressurised into doing something he doesn´t want to. Apologies for ramble!

OP posts:

PeatBog · 31/01/2008 09:36

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Remember that any problems 'down there' for men are a huge deal, and it seems to me that he's done so much to try to make you happy. Even though he wasn't bothered by his low sex drive, he went to the doctor to get Viagra for you, then you've effectively said that that's not good enough.

My dh has used viagra for years. It was a big thing for me to get over, and I needed lots of reassurance from him that he still found me attractive and still loved me, and it took time. But I got over it and now our sex life is fantastic again. He is much older than me, and I think it's just a fact of life now for many men. It gives them physical/chemical help, but also huge psychological help. Please try to talk some more with him and understand that he's trying his best.

CaptainCod · 31/01/2008 09:36

peat does he go ALL NIGHT?

PeatBog · 31/01/2008 09:37

YES. be very jealous.

actually it's farking exhausting

CaptainCod · 31/01/2008 09:37

is there chafing>?

Dropdeadfred · 31/01/2008 09:40

I'd hate them banging away for hours though...does it really make them last longer? I thougt it just helped them 'get it up'?

PeatBog · 31/01/2008 09:43

Original poster

Littledilemma · 31/01/2008 09:54

It didn´t make my dh last longer, just meant that sometimes it would last long enough for us to have sex once whereas other times it didn´t even work .. so am very jealous Peatbog. How long did it take you to get over the need for reassurance etc.?
The thing that upsets me, as well as the deception, is the fact that I think he´s just doing this for me, as he doesn´t care whether or not he had sex again himself, and that also makes me feel bad, I only wish the desire were mutual.

OP posts:

PeatBog · 31/01/2008 10:01

I think it took a few months. But there was never any doubt that he wanted sex, just whether or not he wanted it with me.

It sounds as if you need to do some more talking -- perhaps more counselling?

Kewcumber · 31/01/2008 10:09

excuse me if I misunderstand how viagra works but I thought it doesn't make them feel sexual it just enables them to get an erection. If they're not feeling sexually aroused then they won't get an erection, even with viagra.

PeatBog · 31/01/2008 10:23

yes, that's true, Kew. Sometimes when things are looking hopeful, dh will take the pill, then find me too tired and grumpy to play. He doesn't then have to lie in bed with huge boner

Equally he'll take it, then be too tired himself.

It's quite a waste, as they're a teeny bit expensive, but we've also got over that (that took longer, he's a Scot)

There are diplomatic niceties to observe. He always usually checks that I'm in the mood before popping the pill, and I've occasionally had to slightly force myself into the mood because he's there with a big grin and a big ahem and it seems mean not to

Kewcumber · 31/01/2008 10:52

ooh Peatbog - you may live somewhere near me (just checked out your profile)

PeatBog · 31/01/2008 11:06

Kew, we are Hammersmith. Are you close to a big garden with quite a large greenhouse?

Kewcumber · 31/01/2008 12:14

However did you guess!

Kewcumber · 31/01/2008 12:16

Can't beleive we haven't dragged you out on any local meets - we have quite a few (are are generally on the elderly end of the MN age spectrum! )

PeatBog · 31/01/2008 13:06

You mean I might look relatively young??

tbh we are just coming out of the sleepless tunnel and I'm back working, so haven't really been looking for meets. But will look on the local bit, if that's where they're flagged.

Littledilemma, sorry for hijack. Reading through again, were you not convinced when things were going well that he really wanted to sleep with you? Sounds as if it was all okay until you discovered the Viagra. Him hiding it was surely just to make you feel better, no?

Baffy · 31/01/2008 13:36

yes

generally just for fun. and yes it could go on all night (and would lead to chafing in the end!)

totally different to you, as we used it just to see the effects, for pleasure, and particluarly if we were having a heavy drinking session that night but knew we'd have the house to ourselves so wanted to make the most of it when we got in!

I think your h is trying very hard to make you happy. He obviously loves you very much and is prepared to do whatever it takes to make you happy and make your relationship work.

I do think that in time, once you are more intimate more regularly, his ishoooos (whatever they may be) that lead to him not being able to get it up, will fade away. Whether or not he will always need the viagra i guess depends on whether it's a physical or mental issue for him.
But if it's a mental one, then i'm sure over time, with closeness and more communication, he won't even need them anymore.

Try not to let this become a massive issue. It will just pull you further apart. Explain you do need more reassurance in terms of how much he loves you and the fact that he is doing this because he wants to. But try to tell yourself the viagra doesn't matter. (Because it doesn't.)

Listmaker · 31/01/2008 13:51

My dh used cialis which is similar when we first met as he was having confidence issues that meant his erection eluded him which was very frustrating for both of us. I could sometimes feel a bit miffed about him needing it to get aroused but I tried to ignore those feelings. I found that he had a secret stash and was using them much longer than he admitted to but I didn't mention it because I know it was only because he was nervous and scared of letting me down.

He hasn't used them for years now and everything is fine but they really saved the day for us in the beginning.

So don't feel bad about it. As someone else said he has to fancy you - it doesn't make him desire you, just helps the mechanics. And he is really trying.

Kewcumber · 31/01/2008 14:42

Peatbog - just look at my profile and follow a thread I'm on - there's bound to be a lcoal one on there most times.

many of us are sleep deprived or recently sleep deprived and try to arrange a grown-up sans childrne meet up once a month and various daytime ones for those around. A variety of SAHM and WOHM and SFHM (shirk from home mums) mostly considerably older than you...so you're bound to fit in!

Original poster

Littledilemma · 31/01/2008 16:09

Thanks for the advice Baffy and Listmaker. So does that mean the times he cannot get it up after taking viagra, he doesn´t fancy me at all? Sorry, no you´re right, it shouldn´t really matter I and should just try and enjoy whatever sex I can get from dh!
I guess I´m still upset about the whole text flirting thing and still need time to get over that.

OP posts:

PeatBog · 31/01/2008 16:20

Nooo, Littledilemma. Many a time my dh has taken the pill, I've been up for it, he's been up for it, and still it hasn't worked. Usually a combination of tiredness and alcohol kill it for him.

Listmaker · 01/02/2008 14:30

Same as Peatbog Littledilemma - sometimes even the Cialis wouldn't work quite right - alcohol affected it too. And sometimes maybe the nerves/pressure were too strong.

I guess you are right though that you are also hurting from the text thing so a bit angry with him anyway??

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