Hello, first post but I need somewhere anonymous to ask for opinions, and I always end up searching Mumsnet threads for advice via Google lol.
I've been with my husband 14 years, we have 5 kids and business together. Aside from running 80% of our business, I'm a stay at home mum and homeschool our kids.
He has a history of cheating on me using the internet. In the past 7 years he has signed up for dating sites saying he's single, messaged multiple women having emotional and sexual conversations and exchanging photos, and developed longterm online relationships that definitely cross the lines of friendship. His latest thing has been paying for online video chats with women. I'm talking £50 a month on sex workers when we are having to decide between paying our bills and buying food.
We have had so, so many conversations about this. I've told him it is inappropriate, that it's destroying my self esteem etc. I'm so hurt. He has no interest in a sex life with me, which has always been an issue between us. I gave up trying a long time ago because constant rejection was too hurtful. He insists that he doesn't have much interest in sex, but seeks out porn and exchanging messages with random women. He's got angry with me before for being upset about it.
Once upon a time I suggested an open relationship, in the hope that it might stop the feelings of hurt and rejection. He stopped speaking to me for three days.
I tried talking to him last night about this again, because I'd noticed some app icons on his phone that raised red flags to me. He has previously promised not to use chat apps anymore, and to stop with the porn (I don't have too much of an issue with porn in general, but not at the expense of intimacy between us, so I've asked him not to use it.) He tried to brush me off last night, even when I told him I'm trying really hard to trust him and that maybe if he did things like show me there was nothing to worry about or tell me what his phone password is, it would be easier. He spent an hour saying he's "doing his best" to get me to trust him, then got cross, told me this was ridiculous and disappeared into the bathroom for 15 minutes after I asked outright to see his phone. He gave me the phone after he came out of the bathroom 🙄 there were screenshots of women in provocative poses (looked like they were in their early 20s), a record him spending £57 this month on tipping cam girls, and text messages between him another young woman. I don't know if he deleted stuff before giving me his phone, but I'm assuming he did. He had excuses for everything on there I found.
He's recently struck up this^ friendship with a woman he met online who looks to be maybe HALF his age (he's in his 40s). They seem to talk about everything under the sun, including mental health etc. He's given her his phone number and she's sent him selfies of her asking for opinions on her outfit etc. Apparently it's fine because he told her he has a wife. It gives me the ick, big time. I want him to have friends but it feels gross to me, especially given his history with the Internet and apps etc. He's angry that I don't like him talking to her. I just found about this last night and I'm still processing.
He got cross with me about not wanting him to use chat apps because he says he's just seeking connection. In the past, he has used them exclusively to talk to younger women. He never seeks connection with men.
I'm so lost with this right now. I feel revolting and unattractive. I've had five children and I'm not in my 20s anymore. I don't know how I can trust him, and I don't know what to do. Even reading this back I'm mentally kicking myself because it sounds so pathetic. But after so long I feel utterly worthless and question whether my hurt feelings and self esteem and worth up-ending our kids, potentially destroying the business I've worked so hard to build, and then ending up alone.
Am I missing something? Should I be doing something to make this situation better? I try to trust him, but then he gives me reason not to. It's just a mess.