What my DS said this morning... so upset..

[fluxy3]

H and I have had problems in the marriage for quite a while. This morning DS, he's 8, looked at the calendar and saw that I had written "Dad out" ( I actually wrote his name...). DS looked at me and asked where daddy was going. He looked really upset. I asked him why he looked so upset and he told me that "mummy, you and daddy are always arguing, does this mean a divorce? You are always saying that you want daddy out of the house". I told him no , it just means that daddy is going out with his friends. I am so upset... I know that things are bad between us, but we actually don't argue that much. There is an atmosphere, which I'm sure that all the kids have picked up on... I just want this all to stop. I want my kids to be happy and not be even mentioning divorce... it just makes me realise that this is obviously on his little mind a lot.. I can't stand the idea that we are causing this worry for him.... I'm crying again. It's just a mess.

So sorry to read this fluxy3,kids are part of the family unit and can pick up on all kinds of atmospheres and uncertainties.
Cant say anything that might help but hopefully youll get some wise words on here soon.

Bumping for you

Think you and DH need to sit and have a proper chat.

perhaps you decide either way whether you can save your marriage, or if it is too late decide to part (hopefully amicably)?

in my experience it is the uncertainty that really upsets children.

in the meantime maybe reassure DS that you and DH love each other and love him and that like his friends at school sometimes we fall out or dont agree on everything? (or something like that).

feel so sad for you. hope you can work things out.

Think you and DH need to sit and have a proper chat.

I sent an email to H about this at 9.15 this morning.. it took him almost 2 hours to respond. He claims to be bothered and I am sure he is.. but he is so useless at communication that when he says things like "I was just digesting it" I see red, as, if I had had that email I would have responded immediately.
I'm not sure that our marriage can be saved.. too much stuff and unresolved unhappiness...so sad. He should get his head out of the sand and throw out that bloody great big rug he pushes everything under...

I agree in one sense that I would have replied immediately to an email like that, however different people communicate in different ways. He may not have seen it for a while, he may have been so upset by it that he was unable to answer straight away, he may have wanted to think about it before he answered so he didn;t say the wrong thing - there's loads of reasons.

You need to ask yourself is the marrisge worth saving - do you still love him? If yes then you need to work at it, and it might seem that you are the one putting in all the effort initially, but if its worth fighting for then fight. If not then try and resolve things as amicably as you can before things get so bad that you are unable to remain civil to each other.

You need to talk to dh, and him blocking you out is ignorant and selfish.You will need to start communication, and the way he seems ,suggests mediation, can you get counselling?

While you do this, keep your son in the loop (not everything obviously),just to show him that his concerns are being taken seriously and that he is loved and important to you both.Its difficult to not shut him out but at the same time not use him as a confidante.

You are really going to have to be the grown up in loads of ways .Best wished.

Thanks for all the support and kind words... Got a big bouquet of flowers sent today... they are lovely. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but a bunch of flowers are not going to solve all our problems. It is a nice gesture though.
He's off out tonight, so no chance to talk.. although talking is not really his forte. One liners and parting comments are his strength, usually backed up by half a dozen questions about nothing related to the discussion. It frustrates me just typing about him... you know I don't think this relationship/ marriage has ever been entirely grown up.... I do wonder what it must be like to have proper chats/ intimacy/ discussions with a man....... it's crap really and I'm so unhappy, If I'm honest I know what I should do ......

Fluxy. I know you are in a hellish position, but I just wanted to agree that it's uncertainty that really messes with kids. I don't think waiting til they are older to part (if that's what you are considering as an option) would help - I had a friend whose parents split when she was 18 and was just as upset as any tot would be. She later discovered they'd agreed to years before and it didn't help her knowing.
No marriage is perfect (there are times when I could happily punch DH), but if you know you are unhappy and can't see it working, I think you're right to move on.
Having said all that, tell me to mind my own biz, but how long have you been having problems? DH and I went through a four or five month bad patch a while ago - finally resolved when I started to remind myself regularly why I loved him in the first place. After a while I realised I was often overreacting - but sometimes not, and we sorted things out. When things aren't good it's easy to find fault in everything someone does...
Good luck whatever you decide to do
xx