Lying about your sexual history?

[TossACoinToYerWitcher]

Actively lying, that is, as opposed to not going there, bringing it up or saying it’s none of your business!

I was thinking about a significant ex today and how she felt the need to play her history down, to the point she insisted she’d initially claimed she’d had a wholly celibate relationship with two ex-boyfriends - for example, one was a Christian so didn’t want to have penetrative sex before marriage. In time, it slipped out that they’d given in and done it multiple times. It was no biggie for me, and to be honest, felt more peeved she’d insisted on telling what she perceived to be a white lie about it than tell the truth or not go there (I never asked her to tell me her history in the first place).

Our relationship ended for completely different reasons, but it made me wonder how common it is for women to tweak the truth. There seems to be an excepted wisdom that men exaggerate and women understate. But is that true? Has anyone here felt compelled to tweak the truth a little (male or female!)

Not sure what you are planning to do with responses to this. How will it change anything in your dating life/relationships?

People tend to talk about sexual history fairly early into relationships. So - when they are trying to ‘impress’ and be liked. So men - exaggerate because they think it’ll make them more attractive to women to be experienced and popular (think peacocks shaking their tails while courting)
Women underplay theirs - because they think it’s the best way to be liked by men.

When later on things slip out - it’s when you are at a different stage in a relationship and not as busy creating/protecting your image.
It’s not all together different to other slippages. After the rush of initial effort to be who they think their new partner wants , most people end eventually being their normal selves.

There is no big surprise or conspiracy. Your Ex wasn’t some pathological lier, intent on hurting you - if this is the only incidence of mis-representation

I wouldn't tweak the truth. I don't think it's a universal law. In your situation it sounds like she told you what she thought you wanted to hear in order to make herself more appealing to you?

Have you really just made a thread to slag off your ex and ask a bunch of women if they’ve lied about how many sexual partners they’ve had?

I have zero idea why people discuss sexual history. We have discussed previous relationships but that is it. Who he shagged before he met me is none of my business and vice versa unless it was an actual relationship and then we have disccussed the reasons our previous ones have not worked out.

Just what the founder of Mumsnet had in mind when she created this site, I’m sure. 🤔

@TossACoinToYerWitcher You now need to tell them you're a woman otherwise you'll get rinsed on this forum.

There’s some very good points made here.

In my opinion, with the wisdom of my years, it’s on a “need to know” basis like anything else in life.
My chap, unsolicited, chooses to tell me stuff from time to time but I choose to be more circumspect. In reality I don’t have much to share anyway.
Works for us.

I'm not a natural liar so mightn't be able to keep lying or not mentioning it for long, but I converted to Catholicism and would hope to meet and marry a Catholic guy, so I'd probably have to play down or keep quiet about my past.

It might only be feasible for me to date/marry a fellow convert, as the average Catholic guy might well be put off by my 'body count' of 70+ 😂

There’s this running joke on Black Twitter that women age 19 to about 28 will always say their bodycount is 3😂

In reality I’m sure people lie because they don’t think the other person can handle the truth. It’s really no one’s business tbh

I’ve not told my OH and he has never asked!

we know a little about each others significant exes ie lived together etc.

Id find it odd for anyone to ask- what difference does it make? If you’re 21 or older you’re like to have had one or two partners by then and if your 41 or older you’d expect to have lived with someone or perhaps multiple people before.

i don’t know why your ex lied. I think lots of people still carry sexual shame and maybe she thought it was what you wanted to hear?

I refuse to talk about it, which has caused problems with one particular person, it made me feel awful and eventually I just lied. The relief when we broke up was immense ( we didn’t break up at that time or have anything to do with my passed)

I learned a lot from that experience & wouldn’t repeat the luring to stop myself being brow beaten about it, I’d get out of the relationship at that point instead

It's nobodys fucking business. Not even my husband knows mine and I don't want to know his 'number' either. It's meaningless and only ever used as a tool to judge the worth of a woman.

All any partner needs to know is that you are STI free before going monogamous with each other.

I literally don’t keep track (it’s under 10, but I’ve been with DH for so long now I can’t really remember all my old short-term boyfriends). It’s nobody else’s business, and honestly when men ask about it, it comes across as pretty childish.

I can imagine insecure 20 year olds insisting on knowing, but for anyone over 30 it’s just a complete red flag they are even asking your “number”.

It’s fine to want to know about significant things like previous marriages, and when and why your last relationship broke up, as that might affect the next one (I wouldn’t want to date somebody whose 20 year marriage broke down last week, for example). The total number of people you’ve had sex with isn’t really relevant once that number is >1.

I’ve only ever discussed sexual history in impersonal terms, such as things I’ve done, not done, wanted to do etc. Never in terms of how many partners, who was best, biggest etc. I can’t say I’ve ever been asked directly how many partners I’ve had, and I’ve never asked anyone else. My husband of 20 years, I have no idea how many partners he’d had before we met, it’s just not relevant,

When I got together with my husband many years ago, he asked how many people I'd slept with. I told him it was none of his business.

He never asked again!

I don’t think it matters too much… unless maybe someone is a virgin so feels a bit unsure etc.

I’d tell DP what I’ve got up to before him but I doubt he would like to hear! And he probably wouldn’t approve of university version of me … I had a brilliant fun liberating time at uni! Literally had a list to tick off (not peoples names, experiences - E.g. Prince Albert was in there) He’s only ever had committed long term relationships.

Maybe your ex didn’t think you could handle the truth 😂

I don’t think it matters too much… unless maybe someone is a virgin so feels a bit unsure etc.
Agreed. I told my DP because I was a virgin and wanted him to know why I might be nervous and unsure what to do. If I'd been sexually experienced it wouldn't have mattered how many people I'd had sex with previously.

I agree. 200%
My 'sexual past' is complicated (absolutely not my fault but complicated still)
I think if I ever met someone new, I'd not tell about it. It makes 'nice men' into Rescuers (i've rescued myself already...) Postively Attracts the dodgy ones.
And, anyway, it's the PAST. And it bears no relation to my 'value'.

There’s a really easy way for you to deal with this in the future op , simply don’t ask ( which is easy cause it’s really none of your business anyway ) and if they ‘ volunteer ‘ anything just tell them you don’t want to know as it’s not important or relevant :)

An individual’s sexual history has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else. In particular when it’s an ex.

I'm very much of the opinion it is no-ones business. I had a bad experience when I was younger of being honest with a then boyfriend about my sexual history (which at the time was far tamer than now!) and he made such a fuss about it & it caused so many problems that I vowed never to go discuss it with any partner again. My DH knows generalities but I have never gone into specifics or numbers and never will.

The rule of three. Works every time.

Just watch this - it explains everything in a minute far better than I or anyone else in this thread could possibly do: