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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive ex and maintenance

11 replies

anotherdisaster · 23/11/2022 13:44

Ex and I split around 4.5 years ago now. He was emotionally and financially abusive. He made my life hell for a long time after we split. I've learned to deal with him finally after some counselling. I let him off with a lot of things in the early days because I didn't want him to kick off. Now I'm not so tolerant. His CMS payments have just been reviewed and have been increased (not by lots, around £45pm) and he is furious. He honestly thinks his overtime should be his and none of it should go to me (I don't make the rules). Now he is telling me that they will have to take it out of his wages because he cannot afford it (so basically he's refusing to increase it) and that he is going to be selling his car and house. He always threatens these things, I assume to make me feel bad for him. He said he would speak to me about it but then never did, deciding to try to guilt me instead. If he had spoken to me like an adult I would have happily come to an arrangement with him if he agreed to have the kids more in the holidays (he has had them 2 extra days this year). he only has them every other weekend. I am so conflicted about what to do if he continues to not pay the full amount. Is £45pm worth the aggro I will receive when he finds out I've contacted CMS. I know he will make my life hell again and I'm only just finding myself in a good place. On the other hand, why should he get away with it?

OP posts:
Santagiveyoursackawash · 23/11/2022 13:51

Let Cms deal with him. He holds no cards then. Or he will always abuse you in some way..

Lizzie67384 · 23/11/2022 18:51

I think you should proceed with the CMS and refuse to engage with him regarding money. He has a legal obligation (not to mention moral!) to pay the correct amount for his children.

anotherdisaster · 25/11/2022 12:53

Thank you both. Just telling me what I already know I suppose!

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Flakjacketon · 25/11/2022 13:04

Agree with pp - let CMS deal with him. I presume he knows that he will have to pay a collection supplement if they deduct the payments from his wages.

amiold · 25/11/2022 13:27

Did he do the overtime because he's genuinely struggling? Don't forget this overtime is based on what he earned last year so he may actually be struggling to make that payment this year (overtime already spent)

Do you need the additional £45? Could you have a private agreement? How much does he pay?

He could just be trying it on of course

anotherdisaster · 25/11/2022 16:18

amiold · 25/11/2022 13:27

Did he do the overtime because he's genuinely struggling? Don't forget this overtime is based on what he earned last year so he may actually be struggling to make that payment this year (overtime already spent)

Do you need the additional £45? Could you have a private agreement? How much does he pay?

He could just be trying it on of course

This is the thing though, he could easily speak to me about it. Rather than have an adult conversation he has resorted to being childish and petty. If he was genuinely struggling I would leave payments as they are. Also, he rarely has the children in the holidays so if he offered to help me out more with that, I'm more likely to be reasonable with him. The money is calculated on how often he has the kids, not just about his income.

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amiold · 25/11/2022 16:20

@anotherdisaster yeah I know how cms works. If he had them more in the holidays it would drop anyways so it's sort of six and two threes.
If he was genuinely struggling why doesn't he talk to you. I doubt he'll sell his home x

anotherdisaster · 25/11/2022 16:20

He also underpaid me for the first 2 years and I just accepted it as I didn't want to cause a fuss and create more hate. I only went to the CMS because he started being abusive and demanding money he believes I owe him (which I don't).

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anotherdisaster · 25/11/2022 16:22

amiold · 25/11/2022 16:20

@anotherdisaster yeah I know how cms works. If he had them more in the holidays it would drop anyways so it's sort of six and two threes.
If he was genuinely struggling why doesn't he talk to you. I doubt he'll sell his home x

I would never want anyone to struggle and if I found out he genuinely was, I wouldn't take more money. But he was financially abusive when we were together so I know how tight he is. I can bet he has zero debts. He has a work vehicle so doesn't have transport costs. He bought his own house 2 years ago. Its hard to trust a compulsive liar who has no real interest in his kids.

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Neverhot · 25/11/2022 16:24

The payments wouldn't necessarily drop if he had them more in the holidays. It depends what bracket he is in.

anotherdisaster · 25/11/2022 16:53

Neverhot · 25/11/2022 16:24

The payments wouldn't necessarily drop if he had them more in the holidays. It depends what bracket he is in.

No they wouldn't drop but I would be more prepared to be flexible if he made more effort to have them. He's currently in the 1-2 nights per week bracket.

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