Money incidents

[greennotification]

Just looking for thoughts really. I don't think I'm being gaslit but I think either DH is lying to me or is losing his mind.
There have been two incidents recently both involving money which have worried me.
We are having work done on our house. The first incident is he told me a home improvement item would set us back a few hundred pounds. When I expressed shock at the cost he said that these particular items have gone up in price a lot.
The guy who got us the item then posted his bill through our door. The cost of the item was about a quarter of what DH had told me.
When I pointed this out to DH he then had no recollection of our previous conversation. It was only a few days earlier that we had the conversation. Whether DH was not expecting a written bill, I'm not sure.
The second incident is that when I asked him how much one of the guys was charging for a specific job he was doing for us, he said he'd already paid him some towards the guy's final fee.
It was more than I would have expected this guy to charge. The guy is doing it in his spare time and charging cash. He doesn't seem to be the sort of guy who would charge much over his going rate as an employee.
DH himself said it was a high hourly rate and then complained that the guy hadn't even done a full day. But then said no more. It just seemed off to me.
Getting an uneasy feeling. Any suggestions.

It does sound as though he is lying to you about how much this is costing yes.

The question is, why would he lie?

What do you think his reason for lying about it could be? Do you think he’s trying to set aside some money on the quiet?

Are you saying he inflated the cost, so you'd pay half and he'd pocket the difference?

Does he have form for taking advantage? With buying groceries, for instance?

Apart from this, is there total financial transparency in your relationship?

I think you need to tell us why he would lie about this, in other words, what is he gaining by lying

Hypothetically, if he exaggerated the price to me and I hadn't seen the bill then he could have withdrawn the money, paid the guy what he was due, then kept the rest of the cash himself, and I would have been none the wiser.
What concerns me is that he has zero recollection of our conversation. I could have accepted that we may have had our wires crossed if it he had just said to me the price of the item and nothing more. But he definitely went on to say at the time that the prices of these items have gone up. Like he was justifying it, almost?
He said it with authority. These items aren't the sort of things where I would know how much they cost so I just accepted that was how much it was going to be. When the bill came through I did a double-take as it was so much cheaper than I was expecting.

100% financial transparency. Joint account only.

He does remember, he's just embarrassed he got caught. Because if you think about it, stealing from your own wife is about a low as it goes.

Could be be wrong and embarrassed or is it likely he's lying?

He isn't the sort to get embarrassed with me at getting the price of an item wrong.

Time to go back over the account with a more critical eye. See if it's a recent thing.

What concerns me is that he has zero recollection of our conversation

This should be: What concerns me is that he says he has zero recollection of our conversation.

Yep. When you've got some spare time, and he isn't around, have a really good look at the last 12 months of your statement. Get a cup of tea and sit and go through it.

I'm betting he's done this before.

Yes, I will look over the statement.

I really don't see the issue here, unless there's some back story you aren't telling us? Do you not trust him for some reason? It's shared money in a joint account, if he wanted some for something else he's perfectly entitled to do that, just as you are. Are you that financially controlling that he has to explain every bit of spending to you, or do you have reason to think he's trying to hide certain spending from you?

In the first example he's either lying or he has genuinely forgotten the conversation. Assuming he doesn't lie normally, I would be concerned about memory loss.
In the second example, he's either lying or he has been taken for more money than is reasonable. Assuming he is normally good with money, I would be concerned about a change in his personality.
I would think there are easier ways to extract cash from a joint account, but I cannot think of any right now!

This has got to be a wind-up?!
The fact that it has been suggested to OP to check statements, and OP has said that's what they'll do, shows that they don't control the finances, because they'd already have checked the account if that were the case!
You've spectacularly missed the point of OP's concern about the two examples.

Listen to you gut OP.

Have you online banking so looking at your joint account is straightforward?

If not you need to set this up and get copies from your bank.

If he was losing cognitive function to the extent of completely forgetting this conversation, it would be showing up in other areas.

In your second example, can you speak to the trader yourself and say something like "can you just remind me of the total we need to pay you? I think DH said he'd already paid a deposit, is that right or have I got confused?"

If there's a discrepancy then you have a big problem - not only is your H lying, but he's a very convincing liar, which suggests he could have been doing this sort of thing for years, this is just the first time you've found out (due to the written bill arriving at a time you got to it before he could intercept it.)

This type of behaviour is common with addicts.
Alcohol
Coke
Gambling
Sex workers

Does he often do the shopping, @greennotification? Could he using the old trick of paying with a debit card and asking for cashback?

I would message him the following day next time you have a cash conversation,bright and breezy, "just to get straight in my mind, X is about £y and the 'plastering' is £y per hour. Just so I can attempt to balance out Christmas food and present spends. This correct honey"

Then you have it written down.

I know conversations we have that in the past Mr has flat out denied. Nothing major just odd incidences. I can spot them in advance now so put things "in writing" before we go any further.