Pregnant and going through heartbreak

[Zuz16]

Hey team, I am new to this but I need a little bit of advice or reassurance :(
I am 14 weeks pregnant, got pregnant with a guy I only just met by accident but we both took responsibility and he was saying he will be there and his family will support. He already has a 2 year old baby boy going through a lot healthwise, and hasn't got the best relationship with his baby mum (she often doesn't let him see the son) but according to his words, he is still in love with her. Pretty bad situation :( But I am 37 and abortion was just not an option for me :( we went through a lot of arguments to start with but for the past month he was extremely supportive and super sweet up until last weekend, he went out with his mates and all of a sudden went from "I miss you" to "I still love her, I need to take distance from you and the same bs he was telling me before" I really thought things were progressing with us as I was nothing but supportive and extremely nice to him, which he also threw to my face and said me being nice to him is too much for him :( he keeps saying he wants to be there for the baby but I haven't heard from him for over 48 hours now and I am losing hope :( has anyone gone through anything similar?

I think you have to accept if you carry on with the pregnancy you’re going to be baby mum number two who he “doesn’t have a good relationship with” (read: he doesn’t bother with his child or make a proper financial contribution and she’s sick to the back teeth of him) and that he won’t bother with your child, either. He has no intention of being a proper, equal co-parent.

The best thing to do would be to tell him to get lost completely. The last thing your child needs is a dad who drifts in and out inconsistently.

I would just ignore him and get on with life.

I was a single mum at 38 having split from DS’s dad during pregnancy, but we were amicable. He didn’t help really didn’t even take the paternity leave saying his boss wouldn’t let him,! However, I had wonderful parents who were immensely supportive and helped me a lot and lots of friends I could call on for advice. In some ways it was easier to just have me and baby to consider and no one else. The hard times are in the middle of the night when baby won’t settle or when they are unwell and you don’t have any moral support.

However it does get easier as they get older. I can honestly say that those times were the happiest of my life.

have you got family or friends to support you?

Jettison the waste of space after telling him he needs to pay child maintenance.

Sounds like you're on your own.

I think he's trying to create a drama triangle between you and his ex - your only sensible move is to nope the hell out of that.

Don't chase him, don't get involved in any to and fro, don't view her as an enemy or rival.

It ought to be easy for him - he should "choose" you without blinking. You deserve nothing less. Accept anything less and you're settling for misery. That he's playing this game makes him an arsehole and unworthy of you.

You'll be fine without him. Focus on your baby and let him go.

thank you all, I am still in a bit of a shock, as he was reassuring me for the whole 3 months he would be there for the baby and myself and all of a sudden bam...my family doesn't live here, but they are supportive and I have amazing community and friends around so I am not worried about support, but ultimately I will be on my own, which I kinda suspected before I made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. Thank you all for the honesty

I’m sorry he’s bailed but you’ve both only known you were pregnant for 10 weeks - maximum 2 and a half months - and that was against a back drop of him already saying he still loves his ex and his baby having health problems. He wasn’t ever a good bet for hanging around.

It’s good you’ve got other support, lean on that.

As you say, you wanted a baby and now you’re having one. If you’re completely happy going it alone then at least you’ve got plenty of time to get your head around it and make plans to support yourself and your baby.

Give the baby your surname and put in a claim for maintenance as soon as you’ve had the baby.

Sadly the writing was always on the wall.I understand at 37 you wanted to go ahead regardless

Save yourself a lot of heartache and just end it, plan your life for you and your child, you will be fine.