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Original poster

Living together

22 replies

pinkpanthapp · 23/11/2022 08:13

So DP is 40 and has never left home (lives with his parents). Both of us have DC from previous relationships and I currently live alone with my DS in a 1 bed flat. We have been together for 4 years. DP now stays over probably twice a week as the sleeping arrangements are uncomfortable (he is in the living room). The problem is, there is no talk of us actually moving in together properly other than me bringing it up constantly and him making it sound like I'm asking for the world. I'm starting to feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. He has a lot of hobbies so also spends a lot of time on these. In other ways he's amazing, great with my ds and a lovely guy but am I just wasting my time?! I feel like I'm becoming such a nag and I don't want to be that person. I should probably add I work part time and he has a very good and well paid job.

OP posts:
Wombat27A · 23/11/2022 08:19

Yes, you are wasting your time.

You are just one part of his life, either settle for this or move on.

NoSquirrels · 23/11/2022 08:22

am I just wasting my time?

You are if you see this relationship as a committed co-parenting partnership if 2 adults living together and sharing domestic life, yes.

He clearly does not wish to compromise any element of his life that currently suits him just fine.

SomeBeings · 23/11/2022 08:26

You want him to move in and he wants to carry on how he is. Neither of you are right or wrong. You just want different things.

Why is it that you want him to move in rather than just staying over a couple of nights? Do you want more kids or do you want to spend more time with him?

I think three of you in a one bed might be a bit of a squeeze?

mirrormirroronthewalls · 23/11/2022 08:29

Living at home at 40 is unusual but not actually having your own room
and sleeping in the living room just seems really strange to me. You say he's got DC so presumably he didn't live with that partner either? Does he work? Is there a physical or mental health issue as to why he sleeps in his parents' living room? Sounds like there's bigger problems going on here. 😬

Twizbe · 23/11/2022 08:30

You're wasting your time.

something2say · 23/11/2022 08:31

Be careful what you wish for, that's my advice. I have not really enjoyed living with people. How much do you want to compromise??

Original poster
pinkpanthapp · 23/11/2022 08:33

@mirrormirroronthewalls sorry I probably wasn't very clear, I have a 1 bedroom flat so when he stays at mine he usually has to sleep in the living room. For me this is even more reason for us to look for somewhere to live together as the way things are at the moment don't really work.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 23/11/2022 08:34

Yes, I would say you are wasting your time. A 40 year old man with kids who has never left home. A home where he does not even have a room but sleeps on the sofa. Sorry but I'd run a mile alone at that.

JungleBellsHoHoHo · 23/11/2022 08:36

Sounds like you want to live together because you want to get a bigger flat, not because you want to actually live together. He is never going to leave his parents

Original poster
pinkpanthapp · 23/11/2022 08:40

@JungleBellsHoHoHo that is not the case at all. I actually love this man and want us to have a home together but where I am currently living that isn't possible. I pay all of my own bills and that will carry on even if we live together. I am not looking for a free ride.

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 23/11/2022 08:43

I'd have a honest discussion with him that you'd like to move forward together by finding a place you can both enjoy but if that's not what he wants then you'll have to end the relationship. Until you know where he stands you can't do much. Have the conversation then you'll know if you're wasting your time.

Bananalanacake · 23/11/2022 08:44

I hope he pays his parents rent, he must have lots of money as he doesn't have all the usual bills, maybe this is why he wants to stay.

JangolinaPitt · 23/11/2022 08:46

You are wasting your time if you are constant asking and he is acting like you are asking for the world.

Gsds · 23/11/2022 08:47

If he didn’t leave home when he had his own children, he probably never will. Living with parent obviously suits him fine. If living together is a deal breaker for you, yes I’d say you’re wasting your time

America12 · 23/11/2022 08:48

KatherineJaneway · 23/11/2022 08:34

Yes, I would say you are wasting your time. A 40 year old man with kids who has never left home. A home where he does not even have a room but sleeps on the sofa. Sorry but I'd run a mile alone at that.

He sleeps on the sofa at OPs house. Presumably because she has a son and only one bedroom.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2022 08:52

You are wasting your time on this man and why are you putting up with this?. Your bar here re relationships is way too low.

It suits him to live at home. He can avoid getting serious in his relationships by having an obstacle of his mother. If things don’t work out, he can always convince himself that it was because you didn’t impress his mother or you weren’t as perfect as you should be.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2022 08:54

No relationship should be about using your efforts to prove to a man that you love him and you’re the woman to make him change, in the hope that one day he might reciprocate. You certainly shouldn’t have to have to concern yourself with getting him out of his mother's.

KatherineJaneway · 23/11/2022 08:55

America12 · 23/11/2022 08:48

He sleeps on the sofa at OPs house. Presumably because she has a son and only one bedroom.

Show quote history

Oops! More coffee clearly needed in the Janeway household.

Bookworm20 · 23/11/2022 14:53

It does sound like you are wasting your time unfortunately.

A 40 year old man who has never left home. And seemingly has no desire to do so. Doesn't sound good.

If he does agree and you do move in together, make sure you can easily extract yourself as you may find you then become his surrogate mother figure.

I think for me, a man in his 40s still living with parents for no legitate reason would be a total turn off. Certainly not someone I think I could rely on to be an equal partner in a relationship anyway.

If he wanted a proper relationship with you and to live with you, he would be doing all he could to make this happen.

billy1966 · 23/11/2022 16:49

Of course you are wasting your time with a man child who has the perfect set up.

His parents paying the bills, full fridge, laundry done, all his lovely hobbies to enjoy and you to scratch that itch a couple of times a week.

Why on earth would he EVER give that up?

Not a chance.
Not a notion of moving in with you.

Highly unlikely you would enjoy it either as you would have to play mother with him.

His life is EXACTLY as he wants it.

He's going nowhere OP.

Raise your bar.

Watchkeys · 23/11/2022 16:56

I feel like I'm becoming such a nag and I don't want to be that person

Don't spend time with people who make you into a version of yourself you don't like. Boundaries, in a nutshell.

Opentooffers · 23/11/2022 17:03

Yes you are clearly wasting your time. Money is not an obstacle, so he likes it justthe way it is - for the last 22 years of his adult life, that's a deep habit to break.
Do you realise, if in the unlikely event you did live togethe, he would expect you to do everything for him, basically become his parent substitute (bet he's never cleaned a toilet in his life).

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