Single parents - how do you cope with being alone?

[CreatingHavoc]

I split with my ex about 6 months ago. I have 2 dc, 10 and 6. I really struggle with being alone. I can't bear the thought of something happening to me while it's just me and them here. I'm so anxious all the time. I have health anxiety and I'm recovering from minor surgery at the moment and I'm really, really struggling. I keep thinking I'm going die and there will be no one here for them. It's making me want to get back with my ex just so I'm not on my own. I'm terrified constantly and not coping well at night. I can just about cope during the day but the night times always get to me. How can I get over this?

If you are afraid of intruders, Install an alarm you can zone at night just to cover the downstairs?

Look at getting a pendant alarm to wear on your wrist so that if you become unwell overnight you can summons help easily without using your phone?

Take homeopathic Arnica to help your anxiety. I bought the by “Royal Appointment” brand which worked really well for me. Find it via Amazon, made by Ainsworth.

Can you take a few days away with the children? I did this years ago during a period of high lonesome anxiety & somehow it broke the “spell”
& my night time nervousness melted away.

Sorry ! Not Arnica.

It’s ACONITE for anxiety.

Have you taught the kids (or at least the 10 year old)what to do if an accident happened? To call emergency services and then their dad/family member, friend?

Just so you take real practical steps that if, and it's a BIG if, it could to happen to any of us.

I am assuming the minor surgery was to improve something. You have been through surgery so you are not so anxious to be so fearful to not get things addressed. This should give you some comfort.

Can you not just talk to your ex? Does it have to be "get back with". Can you not just support each other as parents? I am again assuming he is DC's dad. But if anything happened to you they would go to their dad, usually. If this isn't applicable then get a legal guardianship document drawn up if you don't have one. Dot the i's and cross the t's. Perhaps taking some steps to cover your children should the worse happen can relieve some of your burdens.

Have you got a support network of friends and family? If so, could you arrange that you message someone at night and again in the morning? Then you can be assured that in a highly unlikely worst case scenario someone would be quickly there for your DC?
Most intense fears pass in time but it can be helpful in the meantime to know there's a plan in place to manage the thing you fear.

Well oldest is old enough to call for help, even the youngest, wouldn’t they go to their father?

I have no one really apart from ex, who admittedly lives v close by but is a nightmare to get hold of. He is their dad.

Oh I’ve just realised you posted the other day saying how awful he was

Could you have a conversation with your ten year old where you go through what they should do in various emergency situations? If the smoke alarm goes off, if someone seems hurt or unwell..tell them who they should call, their dad, 999, etc?
Its a good excercise to do with children anyway and you can keep it general, reassuring them how unlikely it would be, but that it's best to have a plan.

Hi, I read your other thread recently.

I’m a widowed parent with a young child so totally relate to the anxiety. I’ve gone through periods of big health anxiety and general anxiety too. You’re not alone in that.

I think this is being exacerbated because of your surgery and recovery period, so hold on to the fact that this is temporary. You are safe right now, it’s difficult, but you’re still here.

It sounds like also it might be partly grief from your relationship ending. You’re adjusting to life alone after being in a relationship and that’s a big shift. Allow yourself time to grieve, and recognise anxiety is part of you reorganising what your world looks like now.

Can you see the anxiety as a messenger - telling you to take some action so you’re more secure in future? Is there anything you can do to start building a new network? Even when you’re in a relationship, it’s not ideal to be totally wrapped up in your partner and you need some friendships and support for you. Can you reach out to some local people on the Frolo and Peanut apps? When you’re feeling up to it, start joining some local groups? Park run/exercise class, or a church, or kids groups where you can chat to other parents perhaps? Do you work and could you make some conscious connections there eg ask people for a coffee or join a group there?

Anxiety can also be because of past stress/trauma - is there anything going on there that needs addressing? And it can be helped by exercise/good diet.

Also think about what you can do to reassure yourself. This might be just kind self-talk, like:

I’m doing this
I’m capable
I know I’ve made the right decision to split
This is temporary
I will find a way through
Bit by bit I’ll figure out how I want my life to look
etc

Brad Yates on YouTube (search “Brad Yates anxiety” etc) does some great tapping videos and affirmations which has really helped me in the past.

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink thank you so much for the advice. It is really difficult. I totally broke down last night and caved and called my ex. He came round and just sat with me. Probably not the best thing to do but I just fell apart. Feeling more capable this morning but then it's always the night times that get to me.

Most single parents are perfectly content alone. Have you seen your GP about your anxiety?

Can I ask why you broke up? Who broke up with who? You seem to still be very heavily reliant on him and he seems to still be there for you a lot (more than most exes would), whose decision was it to end things?

@altmember im having cbt for health anxiety.

@SpinningFloppa it was initially my decision but then we both agreed it was for the best. We live very close to each other though so it's hard to properly let go. I do feel reliant on him but I don't have anyone else I can rely on unfortunately.

Being on my own is way less scary than being in a relationship that doesn't work.

Now that would give me nightmares.!

Night times are naturally harder because that’s when all the hubbub of the day dies down and there’s only you and your thoughts/feelings!

Glad you’re getting some help for anxiety.

Maybe in the day time when you’re feeling calmer you could write yourself a plan for what to do next time you’re feeling night time anxiety? Maybe a little reminder to yourself to do something physically calming (exercise, warm bath, tapping, 478 breathing?) and emotionally calming (music, favourite film, call a friend, try meditation?)

And in the day time, see what you can do to address the anxiety/feelings bit by bit? CBT will help, and maybe try journalling or something to get your thoughts and feelings out? My mind settles much better at night when I’ve made time for my feelings during the day.

In my view single can be very good at times. But it's only having the children and no adult company. Then going to bed can be scary but you get use to it.

I don't know why you broke up but please try to show you ex you can parent a lone he might use it on you one day to take children off you if he meets someone saying your unfit mother.

Just try finding things in your area. New groups online where they meet up.
Try striking up conversation with mums at school. Although some can be quite clicky just kept to themselves.
Try even just enjoying your time with kids doing stuff with them.

I actually was single a few years forgot what it was like to have a man in the home when my partner moved in. But yes it's good having extra adult around. Especially one whom you hare a bed with to hold you. But you get the bed to yourself, TV etc. Cool what you want and do basically what you want.

You will get there and in your area there should be support for women like yourself with anxiety. Talking therapy they help you out the stuff you can control and can't control.

I am worried about debt got huge bill can't pay. You can sort that out.

Then I am worried I am going to die. They talk to you about worry time. Try focus on what you can control not what you can't. It difficult I know but with you ex seeing how reliant you he can use to that to manipulate you anyway he wants. So be careful please

@Quiegal thats a very good point. He recently made a remark along the lines of "if I didn't care about you and want to help you, I'd be taking the kids off you."
I definitely need to sort myself out.
Thanks for advice and tips @Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink I'll be referring back to this thread for reminders of how to cope.