How long does it take your other half to calm down after an argument?

[mae2014]

I don't know if I've just desensitized to it or if its the norm,

How long does your other half take to calm down after a fairly big - ish argument? Mine causes a huge commotion and it takes quite a few days for him to settle/talk to me again. And during that time ill be walking on absolute egg shells either told it's over/hes done, just to hurt me until he calms back down again..

Whats your experiences like?

Are you sure he's not a narcissist? The egg shell feeling is usually how it starts and always feeling like you're doing something wrong/not good enough. Does he ever start arguments and shout at you or rage at you and become destructive/abusive? My ex was like this

I opened this expecting to relate in the sense that I'm the one that takes longer to cool down...then I read you said days!? That's just unfair. I get needing time after an argument to cool off and to wrap your head around things that might've been said, and there's sometimes some awkwardness after an argument but a couple of hours is even too much for me! Definitely not normal to feel like you're walking on egg shells for days!

My DH is like this. It’s terrible...

Even after the worst arguments we try to clear things up within a couple of hours.

Err we don’t have big bust ups. We get irritated at each other sometimes but talk it through like grown ups

About 5mins after we finish the argument (ie. We agree to disagree and huff out of the situation).

Gosh not days but he does struggle with getting over it in the moment. Can be quite quiet and withdrawn for a few hours afterwards.
I can blow up and then feel instantly better. But then he's a muller and incredibly empathetic. I have very little emotions going around my body. They just come out when required only!

This sounds emotionally abusive OP.

My oh, like all humans, has his thoughts but he is always entirely reasonable during an argument.

• a disagreement is had
• we might not speak for an hour or so while we collect our thoughts but we never do “silent treatment”
• if we need to speak about practical things “the shop is coming”, “can you put the bin out?” Then we do so normally and courteously
• maximum a couple of ours later one of us gets fed up and makes the first move to be friends again.
• we say sorry and we move on

Granted we have never had a blowout over something massive like an affair but usual couple arguments big and small we have had.

he’s really great actually, never shouts, I’m probably the unreasonable one when we argue tbh!

My EXDH’s record was two weeks.

That's what I was thinking. Those I've turned to for advice have just said don't poke the bear when he's angry/give him space and time,
I understand people need time/cooling off period but its bloody hard to sit and say nothing :(

Oh god, life is way too short for that. I don't think dp or i would have the stamina to hold the sulk that long. About an hour of quiet time is usually it and it's never the silent treatment. That has literally never happened in over a decade long relationship.

It’s emotional abuse OP - he’s not mature or reasonable to disagree with - he shuts you down by shutting YOU down. It’s not healthy - he is modelling terrible behaviour if you have children.,
You need to tell him it’s not appropriate or healthy.
He does it because HE wants too.
Look up womens aid or signs of abuse.

Yeah that’s what I’ve been thinking to be honest. We only talk when it’s on his terms - when he calms down he can see how irrational his behaviour was and “he didn’t mean” what he said, but at the time it’s so hard to listen to it all whilst having to try remind myself “he doesn’t mean it..”

im caught between does he need time to cool off or is he just being a dick 😅

Days? 😳 I couldn't live like that OP

We don't have many huge blowout arguments but usually any fights just keep going until we reach an end to it same day. Either it fizzles out or one/both of us apologises - usually by taking a bit of time in a separate room until one of us calms down and goes in to give the other a hug!

I'm usually fine in about 10 mins! Couldn't handle 2 days 🙈

Couple of hours tops. And always sorted out before going to sleep.

My dp will usually be quiet for a few days. Never any apologies and then things go back to normal. We don’t argue much these days luckily.