Midlife financially dependant women FREEDOM thread

[mefree]

I wanted to start a thread for other women like me, who find themselves after raising kids, in very unsatisfactory, not quite abusive but certainly toxic relationships/marriages and are trying to work out their escape plans when the odds are stacked against them.
I also wanted it as a resource I can come back to when I'm being sucked back in by him.

My situation:
I'm 45, perimenopausal, exhausted, scared and drained thoroughly from supporting a man who cannot do anything for himself whilst also financially dependant on him because I have chronic mental health issues and am being assessed for autism, adhd and cptsd.

We live on his minimum wage salary in v.expensive social rented 3 bed accommodation and I cannot work because of how the above longstanding conditions affect me.
I have not applied for PIP yet as I was putting off the trauma of having to justify why I cannot do most things unfamiliar outside of the home.
I am the one solely responsible for keeping us financially afloat even though I'm not coping anymore and I can't make the finances stretch in this current economy.

Husband is a chronic heel dragger, possibly ADD and is useless at managing finances or remembering anything.
I have had to 'mother' him all through the marriage and he has childish tantrums which although I never have been physically hurt, they have scarred me mentally because a big man shouting and throwing his weight about is f*cking terrifying frankly

I have to do all the 'womens work' of basically everything you can think of, I've been his personal unpaid counsellor, his maid, his cleaner, his diary keeper, his shag only when he feels like it, he finds it difficult to remember to be affectionate or do anything unless prompted.
He has never had any ambition, loves to plod along and make things easy for himself while I struggle on.
He can barely even wash up his own plate and cannot use the washing machine or hoover without it breaking for some unkown reason.

He has the cheek to go through bouts of psychological ED (it's not physical as he's been tested for everything and now has healthy BMI).
I just cannot be bothered to keep up this charade any longer.
My mother is dying of cancer and I am low contact as she was the enabler and my father was the narcissist.
I have grown up children and will not burden them of my troubles.
I have no family support and no money of my own.
I am very sad at how I've been raised and what my life has come to and how I'm left with all these awful feelings.
I am a cliche.

I'm scared I will be gaslighted by the medical profession and not given the help support I need for my condition.
I take HRT and no that didn't magically cure everything.
HRT can't make a shit man good or shit parents be nice unfortunately.
I am terrified I will not be able to get any benefits to help me escape.
If I could work and support myself I would.
I am very unwell and think I would be better off not here on a daily basis.
But I'm getting angry, why the f*ck should I hurt myself because of these shite people in my life?

Naturally we have no savings so I cannot escape right now, but this is my plan and the reasons I keep telling myself so I'm not sucked back in:

1. Get formal diagnosis.

1. Apply and dispute any refused claims for PIP and UC.

3.Downsize social housing 3 bed to a 1 bed property that can take pets.

1. Ask husband to leave.

1. Update UC so it covers everything.

7.Separate all finances.

1. Apply for divorce.

Reasons why I must do the 8 things:

1. Because in 27 years, all my efforts to help him have only led to 27 years of him heel dragging, arguments and me left feeling utterly drained. Each argument drains me further and I am running on empty.

2.Because in the last 3 years, despite me taking care to boost his ego, self esteem, health , guide him psychologically, spending vast amounts of our budget on generic viagra, he still manages to f*ck it all up with bouts of psychologically ED. This makes him angry, I feel unsafe, unsexy and unloved and not motivated to have sex with him. He is extremely unattractive when in this mode.

1. Because i have suffered long enough with chronic mental health conditions, suspected adhd, autism and cptsd. It is time i put my health and mental health first , get it diagnosed, put on my records so i can be safeguarded as a vulnerable woman and access benefits financially that i am entitled to.

1. Because i have suffered long enough with a man that has drained me so utterly and made little effort in return, whilst i have suffered the effects of perimenopause and narc/enabler parenting and toxic dependant marriage.

5.Because he always lies and makes excuses for his failings and i can no longer lie to myself or make excuses to myself that he is a decent/sexy man when he just isn't.

1. Because i have to accept he isn't right and i have to accept I'm in a shit relationship.

1. Because I'm tired of it. I'm tired of always making everything right all the time just to play out a fantasy in my head where he's right for me, all because i have no money of my own right now.

1. Because when I've done all the 8 things, I will have financial independence and i will not have to endure a bad marriage with a man who drains me and makes me feel shit.

1. Because i will be free and not want to kill myself anymore.

If anyone can add anything I've missed that I can do in the meantime, all suggestions that aren't snarky are welcome. If you want to write your own experiences and situation please add yours here. Write as little or as much as you need to to get it off your chest. Thankyou for reading 💐

Because going to bed alone, in your own bed in your own flat is a lotal joy.

Because you will no longer need to compromise or negotiate with another person concerning your life.

My path was a little different to yours, moved into a one bed recently. This morning I ordered a pink rug for my living room.

www.irugs.co.uk/pink-9x12-palazzo-area-rug-33119866?pos=1&rt=aisle

This living alone stuff is magjcal. You can do it.

Wishing you all the luck 😢💜💜

Very best of luck, mefree - you can definitely do it and the feeling of total freedom at the end will make all the struggle worth it. Your DH doesn't deserve you and you are worth so much more!

Keep us updated as you can do this!

There is a lot of projecting in your post. You said you don’t want to fill in PIP forms to justify why you can’t work so are choosing to be financially reliant. You also say you’re the one solely responsible for keeping you and your husband afloat but that only happens because your husband has an income. It must be difficult for your husband to carry the financial burden for you both. You say you don’t like doing the cleaning etc but surely if your husband is working and you’re not, then you’d do the cleaning? Also ED isn’t something men have any control over, much the same as you don’t with regards to your mental health condition. It seems OP everyone in your life is a problem, only you can help yourself.

What @Dumble has said . Ultimately OP, what you allow is what will happen. Lots of people come from challenging backgrounds and then face life challenges. You have listed what you need to do. You now just need to do it.

Also the ED comment i thought was unfair. Your marriage does not sound happy and clearly strained for a long time and, in the same way that women will not want sex when they are not connected/happy, men will be the same. There will be grievances on both sides .

You can only fix yourself. This needs to be your mantra. You might find a very different version of you on the other side of this. Maybe give women's aid a call and see if you can get some support to make this happen for you. Good luck OP!

You also say you’re the one solely responsible for keeping you and your husband afloat but that only happens because your husband has an income. It must be difficult for your husband to carry the financial burden for you both.

Agree with this. Your husband is keeping you afloat through working.

Your comments about his erectile dysfunction are horrible.

Whilst I wish you all the luck in the world, it doesn't sound as if your DH has had an easy ride here either. You say he's happy to plod along, but he gets no plaudits for being the only bread winner. I think you are so angry, that you may have lost some perspective along the way. Do you think you could have a proper chat with him about the way forward? 27 is years is a long partnership, can you be open with him? I do hope you manage to make some changes for the better. Everything is possible, one day at a time.

hasn't had an easy ride

Im pretty sure you won't get UC while you are living in a house with your husband earning? Maybe if he earns so low you'd get a couples allowance to top up?. I might be wrong but a friend of mine with 3 kids and financially dependant on her husband tried to leave and ultimately it was futile. She had to be homeless first, the kids wouldn't go with her, so she stayed.

Firstly re your diagnosis etc and your capacity for work. Online working? Sideline business you can mainly do from home?

Secondly ED. Psychological ED is ime more complicated to treat than physical, its not a case of 'oh this blockage prevents blood' its far more complex. And nobody's sexual desire can be flicked on demand. Its quite a brutal view you have of it, as if he is just stubbornly not getting an erection to make you feel crap. Im sure he wants to not be in this position either. I dont know many men who would.

As others have noted, you manage the finances but he brings them in. He isn't ambitious, but that isn't a moral failing, plenty of people find happiness with their lot. If he has been bringing in all the money, surely it is obvious that you do the cleaning in return and manage the diary?

Leave by all means if you're unhappy but recognise that you aren't just a victim in all this, choices have been made along the way