I need to LTB don’t I?

[Effoffdailymail]

Ive been married for 15 years, 1 child aged 11. We’ve not had the best marriage from the start due to his lying about money, moods and shouting and constantly working to avoid any family time. But this weekend he collected me and a friend from the pub and became involved in a road rage incident. Our child was in car too. Someone dangerously cut him up at a roundabout and he wasn’t having it so decided to chase them in the car. He drove at speed to try to catch them and ended up racing through a country park at night. My kid was screaming and crying, so were both me and my friend. I eventually got him to stop the car. And he took us home. He’s always had a horrible temper but he’s never been like this before. I keep imagining what would have happened if he caught up with the other car or if we crashed. He’s apologised to me and my child but I can’t quite get my head around how he’s acting like nothing happened and that now he’s apologised I just need to move on. I fully expect to be told to LTB but I feel a bit numb and like I’m overreacting.

Yes love. You need to LTB.

My exdh used to do this regularly, or even get pissy when someone over took him at all on the motorway, he would have to speed up to get in front again. He would never listen to me when I begged him to slow down. Earlier this year he actually drove dangerously with our children in the car and I ended up reporting him. It's not worth the risk. LTB is definitely the right thing to do if your ready to do that, but I also do recommend reporting his dangerous driving. You can do it anonymously. Good luck

Your are under-reacting.

Not just to this appalling incident - but to 15 years of his lies, dodgyness with money, moods, shouting, & avoidance of family life.

Please don't take that as a criticism though OP. It's an entirely normal response to living with an abusive partner who has worn down your resistance for years & conditioned you to expect nothing except walking on eggshells to keep an occasional peace.

Please keep posting for support - when you are ready, as much or as little as suits you.
In the meantime, start thinking about practicalities. What is your housing situation, are you working, would you be able to fund you & DC living independently?

@shieldmaiden7 - what happened following your report?
Honest question, not a goad - but as there was presumably no evidence, did the police take any action - even just a visit & a warning?

@KettrickenSmiled I have a friend who is a police officer who advised me put in an anonymous report as I know from experience he is a functioning alcoholic who is most likely over the limit when he drives to work in the morning. What pushed me to report him was the fact he was going over 90 in a 70, and snap chatted his gf at the same time while my teen DD's were in the car. They did that a photo of his speed but they never asked for that. They just asked for his licence plate, car model, home address and usual route to work. They said they would patrol the area and look out for him. We don't talk and he barely sees the kids so I don't know if anything from it. He's on their radar nonetheless.

He put your, your friends and even his own terrified child’s lives in danger all because he couldn’t control his anger. You are under reacting if anything, especially as he can’t get a grip on his anger at home either. I would LTB, do it for your child if not for yourself. He deserves to feel safe.

Wow, @shieldmaiden7 - also, well done.

@shieldmaiden7 Good for you. Thank you for not flaming me. I’m not sure reporting the incident now would achieve anything. It’d be clear it was either me or my friend and if there were fines/points on licence it would be family money that covers it as our finances are all shared. I’ve considered separating before but always been too scared to go it alone. This time it’s different. If I put up with this then what would it actually take for me to leave? We both work full time and house is mortgaged. I wouldn’t be entitled to any benefits and don’t know if I could afford to keep the house on myself. Also don’t think DH would leave. He would just sit it out until I change my mind or he wears me down. I think I’ve been worn down by years of shouting and me trying to keep the peace that I’m scared to make the move. I don’t even know what 1st step is. Do I get a solicitor to draft up a formal letter of separation?

I don’t even know what 1st step is. Do I get a solicitor to draft up a formal letter of separation?

First step is UTTER SECRECY about your plans.
Second is a house valuation when he is out.
Then confirming sum payable to mortage company, whether there are any term-dependent penalty clauses, & working out what equity you might have.
Copying all paperwork - bank details of all accounts joint & separate, pensions, cars, any other assets.
Removing you & kids passports, birth certs, health records to a safe location.
THEN a trip to the lawyer. If you have discreet friends or family, ask for recommendations.

Don't even think about 'serving papers' for divorce until you've done all that.

Sorry OP I know it sounds cold & hard. But you need to deal with the practicalities before you get to the nitty gritty of divorce & all the emotional fallout you'll need to manage through it.

@KettrickenSmiled Thankyou. That sounds like really sound advice but seems so deceitful. He is not computer literate, he doesn’t even have mobile phone banking and all our money is paid into a joint account and I sort out all the financial admin.(all money paid straight into joint account after an issue years ago). Only 5 years left on our mortgage. I can’t imagine he could or even would do anything drastic financially. Financially we are similar salaries. But I get the feeling you’ve got experience of separation? My instincts are telling me to get it out in the open so I can’t change my mind.

OP - there is NOTHING deceitful in acting to protect your & DC's future.

You are taking copies of the family assets. Family assets which you own at least half of, because you are married.

Your H is abusive, aggressive & worrying.
Angry & Controlling men ramp up their abuse whenever they feel their control is slipping. Do NOT talk to him about even the possibility of a split until you have taken the steps detailed above.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

Please contact WA - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Yes you do. Perhaps your friend will be supportive in real life.

My instincts are telling me to get it out in the open so I can’t change my mind.
Your instincts are those of a reasonable person who expects to deal with a sad break up with respect & parity.

Your H's instincts will be nothing like yours.

HE IS AN ANGRY & CONTROLLING MAN.
www.docdroid.net/KPEiiPh/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Link to free e-version so you can conceal your copy. YOU MUST NEVER ALLOW HIM TO SEE THIS BOOK. This book is a bible which should be on the curriculum for every teenage schooolgirl. You will recognise your ex in the pages.

Also OP, this is a really good time to have a quick chat with your GP and make an official log of his verbal abuse of you. If you end up further down the line in family court disagreeing over arrangements for your DC, having this evidenced will be useful and could also mean you get funded legal representation as a victim of DV.

I appreciate all of the kind advice. I’ve never felt abused as I always think I can stand up for myself but after reading a couple of chapters of Why Does He Do That, a lot sounds frighteningly familiar. I think the enormity of what I need to organise and do next is sinking in. I’ve spoken with my friend and she will help in any way she can. Not sure how I’ll get through Christmas this year though.

Talk to your friend who was in the car with you. Tell them what you've told us about his behaviour in other ways, and I'm sure they will do everything they can to support you.

If that friend had been me, I think I would have wanted to report him to the police, but wouldn't have wanted to do that if it was going to cause trouble in your marriage.

Does he now acknowledge that he could have killed you all?

Before telling him anything,make sure you move what js yours from that joint account into an account of your own. It's very common for his sort to drain the account once they find out you are leaving. Make sure your wages are paid into an account of your own from now on too. Take no chances.

You’ve had some great advice so just sending love and hugs instead.

Yes. He put your child in extreme danger as a result of his anger. Leave him for that alone. Your DC needs to know that you'll protect her from ever being in that situation again.

I am divorcing my husband. Up until then I always thought he had a very laissez faire attitude to money and in fact his over generosity with friends and family would annoy me.

However, as soon as we started discussing divorce it is all about the money! He has even said that I could manage but he can’t. He is very entitled and just because he likes nice expensive things, he thinks he should have them, therefore our divorce should take that into account.

What @KettrickenSmiled has written is excellent advice. If you are right, no harm will have been done. If we are right you will save yourself a lot of heartache.

I really wish I’d known this before I said I was unhappy in the relationship. He moved to divorce in literally hours.

He could have killed you all.

He could have left you all with life changing injuries.

OP, kindly meant but I don't think you are fully realising how utterly terrifying this would have been for your son.

He will likely never forget it.

I think both you and your friend should tell the police what he is capable of.

Flag it with your GP.

You need to figure out why you think protecting you son is sneaky.

You definitely need to take @KettrickenSmiled's excellent advice.

Start your planning now and I would not be getting into a car again and I certainly wouldn't allow my child to.

You need to sit with how you would feel if knowing what you do, he killed your child with his actions, or anyone else.

This is a very dangerous man.

What a complete bellend, he wasn’t interested in any of you all he was interested in was to get even, how pathetic, very selfish. Immature, and he could have crashed causing untold injuries,he sounds unhinged! That’s not normal behaviour! And yes my advice to you is to get the ducks in a row.