Should I help my mum escape my dad?

[Calmondeck]

My parents married at 20 and I don’t think have ever been happy in their 48 years of marriage. They were wonderful parents but not good partners. My dad has had affairs which shattered my mum’s self-esteem and self-worth to the point that she has seen a lawyer twice about leaving but still hasn’t found the courage to go. (Both times she asked me to set up the meeting with the lawyers). My dad has also been financially abusive, hiding money and changing his will so that my sibling and I would inherit his money, not my mum. Until yesterday, I would’ve considered my mum the fittest and healthiest person I know - at almost 69, still running 10km 3x week, swimming, Pilates, hiking etc, and a very healthy diet. Yesterday she had a stroke.

Our extended family is in shock, how could someone so healthy have a stroke? I truly believe it is due to lack of sleep, stress, and unhappiness co-existing with my dad.

I live overseas with a young baby. When I was pregnant I flew home to try to emotionally/physically support her to exit the marriage, went to the lawyer with her etc. She still felt unable to leave.

She’s currently in hospital and doctors are hopefully early signs are she’ll regain full mobility. But is this the catalyst she needs to leave? How do I support her?

My dad’s reaction to the stroke - left her to call the ambulance herself, she traveled solo to the hospital because he wanted to take a shower first, is now complaining that her room is a mess and he’ll be “searching high and low for hospital appropriate clothing”. Is in disbelief that it’s a stroke and thinks she’s just tired and “won’t admit that she’s getting old and needs glasses” (for the blurry vision from left side of the body suffering the impact of the stroke) I’m not a violent person but I want to smack him.

what do I do?

I'd read your Dad the riot act about his awful comments, and tell him that you don't want to hear any complaints and that you expect an adult man to be able to function on his own.

If you think your mum won't receive proper care from your dad whilst in hospital and when discharged, and there's no one else to help her then I would look to coming over yourself to support her. Is there any way she could move to your country and live with you?

Yes I’m already discussing with work what options I have to work remotely so I can go to support her. it’s a 10 hour time difference so not ideal but they’re being kind so far.

I just don’t know whether this is the catalyst she needs to change her life and leave. How do you support someone who doesn’t want to be trapped in the marriage but is so fearful, mostly financially, of the future that they stay?

She's had ever such a long time being in this situation that changing it will possibly take a traumatic event or just a really long time. Maybe the stroke and your dad's callous reaction might be enough to tip her over.

Perhaps it could help if you could work on a plan for her financial stability if she leaves him, where she might live, how she would fund herself and so on. To show her that it's possible?

You see a solicitor with her and get her some honest advice about her financial situation, especially if that is the part which worries her most - plus your Dad might have fed her all sorts of lies

Then consider if she is able to medically cope post stroke. If your Dad won't care for her, it will possibly be a decision between getting in carers, residential care, or living with you

Lots to think about and early stages but she needs info to make a decision and you need to blunt and firm with your Dad

Update in case anyone has advice: my mum has been sent home from hospital and has physically recovered from the stroke. She is mentally and emotionally wrecked, not to mention a few days after returning home from hospital and seeing a printed email exchange between my dad and a former colleague who she believes he is having an affair with, including lots of use of “love”, pet names for eachother etc. She has told me not to fly back (I’m 23hrs flight away) but has admitted she “probably needs to leave”. She is paralysed by financial fear but also seems to have an inability to forward plan. Even about the most simple things in a day she finds it difficult to forward plan. I’m just wondering if anyone has been in a situation like this before - where you’re dealing with an adult but they are almost so childlike in their inability to do things without assistance/guidance. I have flown back before to help her when there was previous evidence of my dad having another affair but then she got so overwhelmed by the idea of the logistics of leaving, that she shut down the help. I’m really worried she’s becoming depressed. I feel like she needs some kind of caretaker who will ensure she keeps to task - seeing lawyers, accountants, a psychologist. Do such people exist? Or this is usually friends or family

Very difficult situation OP. The only way she could get some help keeping her on track would be if her capacity dropped to the point where she was assigned carers or a social worker - and I doubt they would be briefed to actually help in the way she needs. Effectively it sounds like she need a PA/life coach.

Does your sibling live closer, could they help?

Can she stay with you for a while so she can get some distance from the situation?

I know she's only 69 OP, but given the situation she's in I wonder if you'd get some specialised advice from the Age Uk helpline? You could ring them and talk to them, and they might have ideas or be able to point you towards a service.

The fact that your dad appears to be getting his emotional (at least) needs met elsewhere is a complication. Have you spoken to him at all about the deeper issues?

I have nothing but sympathy for your mum, and for you trying to help and support her.
www.ageuk.org.uk/services/age-uk-advice-line/

Thanks for your kind words @EvenMoreFuriousVexation . Yes, some kind of life coach is exactly what she needs. I guess this is part of the issue with marrying at 20, she effectively moved from being a child with her parents to a wife with my dad managing everything and 48 years on she is utterly co-dependent.

@pippinsleftleg i live on the other side of the world, and she has just been here for 6 weeks. I tried to engage her on this topic while she was here but she said this was her only weeks of happiness in a whole year and she didn’t want to ruin them by talking about the marriage.

I feel so helpless

Were the hospital staff aware she was going to return to an abusive situation?.

I would contact their council's Social Services department and ask for your mother to receive an assessment of need as a vulnerable adult. She needs to be flagged up with the authorities.

It can take women several attempts to leave their abuser and ultimately that is her decision to make. Sadly for you she may never choose to leave her abuser; she may still love him and fear him in equal measure. People remain in abusive relationships for all sorts of reasons; fear of the unknown, fear of their abuser, money worries to name but three. Their relationship is both codependent and destructive and she gets something out of this relationship with him. This sort of treatment from men is perhaps all she has known her whole life (what if anything do you know about her own family background?) and to make such a change from that may still be a step too far. The old saying, "you can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink" could well apply here.

Would she come and stay with you? Make a plan. Womens aid have a live chat. If that helps. You can only help her if she will help herself unfortunately. Has she got friends she could stay with?

Even if you moved back permanently, there's no guarantee she would leave him, but it must be almost impossible to help from the distance you are.

Might she be a candidate for sheltered accommodation if she were to leave?

As soon as I became an adult and had the resources, I started offering to help my mother leave her marriage to my father. I too thought serious illness would finally spur her to want to exit, but it just drove her deeper in.

I hope you can get her out, but you need to be prepare emotionally, because that may not happen.