Partner of 4yrs gaslighting me about my weight

[Polly5592]

So last night whilst I was hoovering I noticed he was looking at me strange..

He then told me that the dress I was wearing (your typical t-shirt dress) was making me look horrendous, really really round.. then he told me that my weight has become an issue in our relationship (I'm 5ft 9 and I'm a size 16-18) and I need to get healthy and fit.

Bearing in mind this year I've ran the Great Manchester half marathon, the London marathon and various other runs between these events, I watch what I eat but yes.. I have gained a stone since the marathon.

It's our 4 year anniversary tomorrow and I genuinely cannot believe that this has happened..

I mentioned that none of my ex's have ever had an issue with my weight or 'size' but he then told me that my ex's have never got me to achieve so much (I'm pretty certain I've completed these events myself..)

He's also been cooking very unhealthy meals when it's been his turn to cook.

I honestly don't know whether to walk away as I feel incredibly hurt and embarrassed or whether to stand my ground?

Thanks again Watchkeys - @Polly5592 please excuse my derailing, I will stop that now.

Are you doing ok @Polly5592 ?
Please be aware that you do not owe any of us updates (or news of decisive action - that is YOUR choice) - but it's ok to keep posting for support.

"He then told me that the dress I was wearing (your typical t-shirt dress) was making me look horrendous, really really round.. then he told me that my weight has become an issue in our relationship (I'm 5ft 9 and I'm a size 16-18) and I need to get healthy and fit."

From the OP: "He then told me that the dress I was wearing (your typical t-shirt dress) was making me look horrendous, really really round.. then he told me that my weight has become an issue in our relationship (I'm 5ft 9 and I'm a size 16-18) and I need to get healthy and fit."

He could certainly have chosen better words but what he is saying is that the dress is very unflattering on her and that her weight gain is becoming a problem. He is being honest, isn't he. The OP can simply ditch him if she doesn't see her weight as a problem, or if she does and if she wants to keep the relationship - then she can do something about it.

Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

@OnTheRoll

Choosing different words isn't the issue. He's told her she needs to get fit. That's his need, imposed upon her, which is also known as control. It's representative of an unhealthy relationship, not a poor choice of words, and yes, OP can walk away, but she hasn't, so the advice you gave falls flat, because it's not based in reality.

He doesn't sound very bright it should be easy to quickly and quietly freeze him out, yes he deserves a good telling off/reading the riot act etc but don't waste your breath, it would be easier for you if you just quietly get rid.

He's totally out of line. Rude and uncalled for. When a partner talks to you with such contempt the relationship is usually dead in the water. You'd be smart to walk away.

However, I really don't get what part of his behaviour would fall under gaslighting...

I think it is the way he delivered the message is what I would have a problem with. He was so so nasty. Also it would be one thing if you have a problem with your weight and he was trying to help but you clearly don't
Size 18 is big, no getting away from that but a stone is not a huge amount of weight to put on so its not like you have gone from a size 8 to 18
He was clearly happy about the way you looked when you got together and I can't see how 1 stone would make much of a difference to that
he sounds like a nasty prick to be honest .. run !

This. It doesn't matter about OP's weight, it could have been about anything. That's why her weight is irrelevant.

I couldn't ever forget those words or look at my partner the same. I'm so sorry!

I don’t know about gaslighting but he is horribly rude and abrupt that’s for sure. I would tell him if he doesn’t like me how I am he knows where the door is, if this was the first time he’d spoken to me like this. If he has form for putting you down I would take that decision out of his hands and kick him out of the door myself.

I would start being very critical about his appearance, you look terrible in that T-shirt look at your belly sticking out look at your thin legs look at your bald spot etc etc
Tell him it's a problem in the relationship and you need him to do something about it.
OR
Agree with him your weight is a problem and tell him you'll get back in touch when you've reached whatever weight he thinks you should be
then just ghost him👻

As others have highlighted, that's not gaslighting. Look up what gaslighting is. He's acknowledging your size, which is a fact. It may be unwanted/rude but it's not gaslighting, it's not like you're underweight and he's making you doubt that over a period of time. You are overweight.

It doesn't sound like you really like him tbh or he's that into you for who you currently are, more an idealised version of you where you've lost the weight. Probably not worth fighting to stay together.

I didn't advise her to walk away - all the other posters did. So it is not my advice that has fallen flat 🙄

We need to know what this man looks like, is he a chiseled Adonis?

I do agree that it's not strictly gaslighting but there is a 'gaslighty feel' about it because he claims to want OP be slim and fit and yet the food he cooks her suggest that he really wants her to carry on being overweight so that he can knock her down because that feeds his ego

Just to play devil's advocate... or maybe he just cooks the type of food he wants to eat and expects her to exercise portion control?

Well yes, I imagine that would be his plausible deniability get out clause?

The OP can simply ditch him if she doesn't see her weight as a problem

Looks like advising her that she should walk away if she doesn't see her weight as a problem to me.