Can a female / male friendship work?

[Jaykay2]

Hi.
I met a bloke 4 years ago where I volunteered and we fancied each other immediately.
He’s in his 40s single and lives with his parents and I am in my 30s married and have young children.
we’ve never taken it further than admitting this and have an amazing friendship. I stopped volunteer work and started a job which he helped me prepare for and he also helped with my exams while he was at work. I visit him each week at his work to catch up, but we don’t really message each other much.
He went on a lads holiday last month and brought me back a heart shaped keyring of the country and said he’d saw it and thought of me.

my problem is over the past 4 years I have asked him out walking/running a couple times and then last week I said did he wanna meet for food as it was my birthday and he said no again. When I messaged him and asked why , he said he feels uncomfortable going out with a married woman.

This has upset me as I don’t have friends he is my only friend I have no family here either and he is someone I feel I can be me with, shall I move on from this friendship?

"We fancied each other immediately" you've said it yourself op this isn't a friendship.
He's right to back off.

I don’t think you should be spending time with him at all as you fancied each other; you’re asking for trouble. How would you feel about your husband spending time with some woman he fancies?

He’s right.

he has set reasonable boundaries not wanting to meet up 1:1 outside work.

you want to dump the whole friendship because of this? When you admit you don’t have many friendships.

you push his boundaries- food for your birthday- ok if part of a group, not ok 1:1.

it reads like you want more, and are pushing for more, and are prepared to lose a friendship if he doesn’t give you what you want.

back off, respect his boundaries, and enjoy the friendship as it his.

If you want more with him, then it's clear you have to end your marriage. This guy doesn't want an affair with a married woman. Are you willing to end your marriage? If not, then just accept the guy's boundaries about staying as "friends". If you are willing to end your marriage, then you need a serious talk with the guy as to whether that's what he wants you to do, so you'll be "free" to explore a new relationship together.

He's absolutely right for backing off, your married with kids, you shouldn't even be instigating this, if your unhappy in marriage, then get a divorce and look for the right person after, don't have an affair

Of course a male/female friendship can work but not in your case because you fancy him.

"This has upset me as I don’t have friends he is my only friend I have no family here either and he is someone I feel I can be me with, shall I move on from this friendship?"

This is the issue here. Outside of your marriage he is your everything . He is your only friend that you also happen to fancy. He may have been attracted to you when you both first met but, overtime he now understands your situation and has got to know you and with kindness OP, the attraction has very likely worn off for him.

You need to make other friends through work or hobbies and stop relying on this man . I wonder also if there are issues in your marriage that led to you fancying him in the first place .

Op, personally i do not think men and women can be just friends. That is my experience anyway. I also suspect through both personal experience and seeing via others , that a wedding band does not always stop attraction either.

With kindness OP, you need to back off totally and make other friends. Visiting him at work each week is ott. He is telling you he not going to get involved in your marriage. If you are unhappy, you need to to address the issues in your marriage and if they cannot be resolved, you are better off alone to rebuild your life .

Male/female friendships can work but NOT when there's mutual attraction and one of them is already in a marriage (and that's before you get into the whole "he's my only friend" element which is also unhealthy).

Hi thank you for taking the time to reply. All the replies have helped.

so with the comment saying he doesn’t fancy you now he knows the situation, I’m really confused. Coz he does give mixed signals, so whenever he sees me he always say how stunning I look, and what would happen if we were alone. someone did notice him saying it once and said I was out of his league. He does message to ask how I am and if I’ve been somewhere he always asks if it was 3 of us who went or 4 of us . Meaning my husband. He will also check if I got home ok albeit the next day,

in terms of my relationship I do need to address it, it’s something that scares me as I tend to just get on with it and not think of it. He’s a good man but has no interest in me or the children and no desire to do anything travelling wise or even career wise. We’ve been together over 20 years and I do love him it’s just that after becoming a mum I’ve changed and want more for my children. I have broached the subject to him and he hates that I am not as reliant on him and did ask me to stop work when I started. I also said I wasn’t happy in our relationship and he said just remember if you leave me, I am due an inheritance and i won’t be able to spend it on you.
I do rely on him for money but apart from that we lead separate lives.

I hate being in this situation to be honest and I know it’s easier to stay. And I also know I need to stay away from the other man. Knowing all this doesn’t help. But your answers have given me a better perspective on things and how I am acting. Thank you.

Can male/female friendships work? Certainly, but unfortunately this is one of the cases when it can't, because you are in a relationship and you say there is attraction between you, so it's a no from me, even though in general I am a cheerleader for cross-gender friendship.

Yes they can work. No if you fancy each other and one/both of you have a family at home, that makes it unfair on everyone else involved.

so with the comment saying he doesn’t fancy you now he knows the situation, I’m really confused. Coz he does give mixed signals

A wedding band doesn’t stop you being attracted to someone else, or then being attracted to you, you don’t stop being human because you’re married. It’s your responsibility to put boundaries in place to protect your marriage (limiting contact with the person, meeting in groups or simply backing off if you feel vulnerable to the attraction of another). If you aren’t doing that, you need an honest look at why that is.

It sounds like you like the compliments and attention from him, which leaves you on dodgy ground pursuing a friendship with him. If your marriage isn’t meeting your needs that’s where your focus needs to be either in repairing your marriage or leaving it. That needs to happen independently of anything that might be going on with your friendship with this other man.

Its unfair to everyone for you to limp along in your marriage while fostering something else. He may be giving mixed messages, but so are you.

In the 4 years of knowing him, why have you not made other friends? Could it be that he's been fulfilling the need, so you haven't tried?
You need to form other friendships, you also should address your marriage problems, which sound miserable. If so separate with DH, are you not intimate anymore? If not, it explains why you are ripe for an affair. The thing is, your DH may well have one too.
How soulless to have a conversation about staying around for the inheritance money. Seems like your DH isn't bothered whether you like him or not, just as long as you stick around to look after the DC because he can't be arsed with it.

Male/female friendships can work but not when they are based on physical attraction. I don't fancy any of my friends...

He's an escape for you and you want to pour all your time akd energy into him. He doesn't want that because, it would seem, he has boundaries even if you don't.

Sort your marriage out and make some actual friends.

I've had male friends all my life. One of my best friends now is a man. We've been great mates for 20 years and never any hint of sexual attraction between us. So yes I definitely believe men and women can be friends.
In your case, you both fancy each other so that completely changes the dynamic!! I don't think I could be such good friends with a man if I fancied him - or worse still, we fancied each other! And he's clearly uncomfortable that you're married. Sadly I think you need to accept this.

In answer to your OP question, yes. I’m female and have male friends. So do lots of other women I know.
In your particular situation it sounds as if you’d like more than friendship (perhaps you both do) and he’s sensed this so is backing off a bit. Perhaps understandable.

Yes but not if you fancy him!

I have male friends, they will only ever be friends, I'm also friends with my ex. I have boundaries

My best friends are male. Id give my last penny to my best friend and hes a married man and i have a DP.
however this is also on the basis that this has never happened;

we fancied each other immediately

That's not a friendship. You're keeping him close for other reasons. Unless you're both in a position to date, it's a recipe for disaster. Don't ever mistake this for friendship

"He’s in his 40s single and lives with his parents".

Here in lies your answer. Do you feel a man in his 40's , still living with his parents has a life to offer you or contribute to yours?

Look at your marriage OP and leave if you are unhappy. That is ok. It is ok to leave a marriage that is not working for you. If you are unhappy, you can end your marriage.

But, please do not think this guy is a catch. 40 yrs old and living at his mums??? Would personally
make me question his financial viability and life ambitions/choices at the very least. Not someone worthy of me and all I have achieved. Does he have a whole load of baggage? What is actual the attraction with this guy? Why are you so addicted to him?

This is about you. If you were happy and settled in yourself, this guy would not even get a look in. Be happy and fulfilled in yourself OP and, all the best that life can offer will follow for you.

"I do rely on him for money but apart from that we lead separate lives".

Stop relying on your husband for money and lead your own very separate life. I suspect when you do this your and have your freedom, your " friend" will hold little to none interest for you.

Bin them both off and start living your own life Op.

Callmecath thank you! You speak such truth. I know he wouldn’t usually have a chance with me and he doesn’t have baggage just always more a less lived with his parents. I really appreciated your comments.

I do feel like a total idiot to my husband but I have started earning my own money. I moved here 4 years ago and in that time I have taken 3 exams and got myself a career which I love. I just feel a bit unhappy in my own life since moving here I feel I have missed out on a lot as I have no social life at all, I love to dance but my husband doesn’t and so what do you do! I did suggest going out for a meal as I love dressing up but he said we could get a takeaway. Last year he offered to buy us a puzzle to spice up the weekend but he has forgotten the puzzle! I would love to make friends and people saying that’s a problem in itself. I left school at 16 and met my husband 3 months later and that’s it. I would love to have girlfriends and go out but how does one make friends in their 30s. I dont go anywhere to meet friends. I am thinking when my youngest is at school I may join a gym.

but after all this I am going to take peoples advice and stay away. I did for 6 months this year and felt amazing for it so I shouldn’t have gone back coz I feel like crap. I just need to work on myself. I am thinking of taking a level science it will give me something to do. I hate watching tv in the evenings and my husband loves to. I don’t know why I feel so unsettled and I’ve no idea how to get over it I feel I am suffering in silence as not a soul ti speak to. But I have really appreciated the feedback, it’s made me realise how silly I have been.
Thanks 😊