Partner not pulling weight with baby

[EllieM103]

Hello, apologies if this isn't appropriate as it is my first time posting on here but I really need some neutral advice. Partner and I have been together for 2 years and have a 3 month old. When she was born and we were in the hospital, he couldn't so enough for us both. Once we got home he was very frustrated and would shout at her If she was crying. He then started disappearing most days. He works 4 on 4 off but now on his 4 off, he works various different jobs every day. He has only recently started contributing to the bills in my house which we live in and woulf question when I bought things for baby. I've insisted we now use a joint account for baby items which has helped as I was just me buying things before.He doesn't change Nappies, do feeds, get up at night. He has very recently started washing bottles but didn't know how to make one. He said he didn't know how so i suggested he read the book the health visitor gave him but he didn't. I feel as though its easier when he's at work because when he's home it's like having a child. I had a very Frank conversation with him last week and said if she didn't want sort his s* out he would need to leave. He hoovered up the day after and then continued as he was before. I don't know what to do. Advice please.

Anyone who shouts at a new born baby for crying is a complete waste of space and I wouldn't want them around my baby in the first place.

It sounds like you got pregnant very quickly in the relationship and didn't really know each other. Now you're getting to know him.

If it's your house he moved into, you hold the upper hand, so you need to decide whether it's worth continuing with the relationship or not. Personally, I wouldn't as you can't trust him around his own child and he seems to bring nothing else to the table

I would be asking him to leave. Sounds like he isn't interested and shouting at his baby and disappearing for days is not good. I would be removing your money from joint account and start planning for being a single parent.

Tell him when you become a father your life needs to change. This means less time for yourself, your hobbies and that your child’s needs come before yours

he has not grasped the impact having a child will have but he needs to accept that some changes are required from how he was operating before the baby came along

he should be helping out with bottle feeding, nappy changing & also you should get a lie in on a weekend

tell him that you never agreed to be a cleaner and cook for your joint living accommodation and that you need him to take on some chores he explicit in what these are and agree that he does them every week so there can be no arguments

tell him it is funny how he doesn’t want to do any of the above things yet expects you to do every single thing relating to the home and baby and that is causing resentment

advise him the alternative is to move out, you will claim CSA and he can have the baby while you have a rest. Not only that you will have one less adult to feed, and clean up after whilst he will he paying rent, CSA and doing his own cleaning!

does he not pay you rent? How are you coping financially?

Never ever be tempted to leave the baby alone with him under any circumstances. There are have been far too many awful stories. His mindset is all wrong and he needs to be properly educated which does not happen overnight. He has shown he cannot be trusted and his bond is obviously not strong enough.

This is really sad to read. You should leave him. Sending love to you.

Hell would freeze over before I had someone in my house shouting at a newborn baby.

That is disgusting behaviour, and completely unacceptable.

Why do people have babies with men like this?

Thank you for the response. Just to be clear, he had never ever shown any behaviours previously to give me any reason not to have a baby with him. She was planned as we both wanted a baby.

The house is solely mine, I was a manager full time and so I'm getting good maternity pay but I've started a couple of side jobs to boost my money, I had no problem being financially independent until I had another adult living in my house with food, bills etc. In the passed 2 months I've asked for rent.

If the house is solely yours I would be wary of asking for rent, because that way he may potentially have a claim on your property, which you definitely do not want considering you now have a baby to think of.

It seems like it's easier when he's not there and you're just getting on with everything yourself. You don't need an extra person there to say they're maybe going to help but isn't actually doing anything. Washing up some bottles isn't being a proper dad. It's not fair.

Wouldn't stand for that. You have an actual baby to care for, you don't need a giant manbaby too.

Sounds highly likely that you have a big man baby to boot out. However I'd try a bit to sort things out before coming to that conclusion.

Men are sometimes afraid to admit they don't know how to do something, caring for a baby is a huge learning curve but you can't just opt out of it. So he needs to learn to change nappies, give bottles, soothe her etc. Starting now. Why the flip hasn't he done a nappy?

On the other hand, there's something called strategic incompetence where someone says they just don't know how to do something and someone else picks up the slack, forever.

Make a list of all the regular housework jobs and ask him to take on some of them. See if there is any support for fathers from your local authority etc. Don't leave him alone with the baby if you have any doubts about his self control, I wouldn't get him to have her overnight yet.

He needs to step up, currently he's adding nothing to your life apart from wearing out your sofa faster and causing stress. If he's not going to add anything, you're better off rid. Probably easier at this point than later, tbh.

I wouldn't worry about that, particularly in the short term, as he'd only be acting like a lodger.

If I were you I would humour him and pretend for now (but dont leave him alone with your baby) whilst privately making a very strong plan to get him out of your life.

When it's easier to do things yourself despite having a second adult around to support you, it's time to do it by yourself and ship him out!!

You wanted a baby, so did he - but it was irresponsible to decide that after such a short time together. As it was 'planned' did you plan how to share the task of parenting? Sounds like the planning was poor. He wanted a woman to look after his baby for him and probably thinks his cock-lodger status is more secure by tying you down with a baby.
The signs were there that he's not a sharer and carer, as he never paid ret bills or food - you missed that as an example.
Enjoy your baby, get him to leave, then with csa, you'll be better off.

There is literally nothing less attractive than a man who proves himself to be a shit father and partner. Likelihood is he will be better when your dc is older and more attractive but if you are anything like me the relationship will be dead by then

interactive not attractive !

It's good that the house is yours. So you can tell him to leave and your life will be easier, more harmonious and much calmer.

I could't respect or like a man who shouted at a baby, let alone love one and want him as my partner.

Your child deserves better. You deserve better.

Your partner has shown himself to be a freeloader. You're pulling all the weight in terms of

• housing
• finances
• childcare

while he acts like a spoiled teenager and makes your life harder and more expensive.