Do I leave him? Or keep trying?

[allaboutmee]

I've been with my partner for 9 years and we have 2 kids, we are both late twenties & had our kids young. We've had our ups and downs mainly due to stress from kids but nothing too bad. In the last year I've been feeling like he is not the person I want to marry and I wonder if I'm wasting my young years with him. He doesn't really help much around the house and can be quite selfish sometimes. I get up with kids most mornings even when I work 12 hour days. I do all the washing, cleaning etc. he won't even walk the dog. He works hard & says he's tired all the time that's why he can't help. I don't want to have sex with him at all or even kiss him. I don't know why, but it revolts me!! I think I could happily be on my own but the thought of not seeing my kids every night when I get home from work just kills me! Or having to share Christmas Day between us. I wonder, should I try harder to make it work for the sake of my kids? I see other couples looking so happy together after years and I don't feel like that. I'm happy when he gets home from work but purely so he can help me with the kids not because I am happy to see him.. Must point out, he is not a bad person, he compliments me every day and is a fantastic dad! I just think the spark has gone.... but I'm worried I will get to 40 and still feel the same. any advice please

I felt this way with my ex who I was with from 23-32. I discussed with him how I was unhappy that I did everything and that there was no spark and then he dumped me! I’d just wanted to work on things but the second I said that, I was dead to him. He was pretty narcissistic.

I don’t think my situation is the same as yours because I never had kids with him (thank goodness) and mine had other issues and was not a good partner like yours sounds like. However, I came to say that I think I was underdeveloped as a person until I was about 30 and this is why I think it’s very common to get with some whilst young and have it not work out. What you said about ‘will I feel the same way at 40?’ is really worth considering.

On the other hand, I think a spark can die if you’re always doing everything for him. How can you feel turned on by someone who represents extra chores and stress whilst not giving much back to you? It may be possible to get the spark back if he did more to support you; then you’d be relaxed enough to feel sexier and more attracted to him.

I think it could go either way. After so long, it’s probably not worth throwing the baby out with the bath water. I’d talk to him and say you’d like a lifestyle change so you can be happier as a couple. Depending on how that works out you will either stay with him or not but you’ll definitely be ok in the end xxx

Why are such men more often than not described as fantastic dads? He is clearly not such if he is treating you like the resident maid/housekeeper who tries to buy you off with some daily compliments. No wonder you do not want to have sex with him.

This man's also not even bothered to take the dog out for a walk. He sees the dog, the housework and all the mental load as your job and yours alone. Not his, no because he is the Big Man. Fantastic dads would not watch their spouse or partner work themselves into the ground whilst looking on. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are not stupid and see you doing everything in the home whilst he, the Big Man who Works Hard, watches on from a sofa. Given how selfish and that ready with excuses for not doing anything within the home do you really think that he would actually bother much with his children post separation?. Probably not given his work so stop torturing yourself about not seeing them every day.

As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

Do not stay in such a relationship for the "sake of the children" and do not get bogged down in your sunk costs (all this about being together for a long time).
Whose sake would you be really staying for; theirs or more likely your own because its somehow "easier" than to face your own fears about moving on with your own life. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

I think you need to talk to him and explain that you need more from him around the house. You say he is a fantastic dad, so is he hands-on with the children?

I can’t help thinking that “women’s Lib” has dealt women a poor deal. It’s wonderful that women can be independent and work in careers, just as good as men can. However, it does seem that the majority of the child rearing and housework and mental load of running a family still falls to the women.

Whilst we can now have it all we often have to do it all as well.

I think you have to spell it out to him that you need more support.

OP - why would YOU "keep trying"?
You seem to already be the only one who is really trying.
You work 12 hour days, do - what, 90%? - of the housekeeping, childcare & pet duty.
Seriously - how much harder could you try?

You know he is selfish, you know you don't fancy him - to the point that even the thought is sex with him is unbearable to you - the only thing that is holding you to him is your fear of losing time with your kids, yes?

So imagine you split.
Now think about how much he does for the DC, home, dog, mental load, etc.
Do you genuinely believe that this selfish man is going to suddenly dedicate 50% of his time to parenting?
Not the fun stuff that he "helps" with in the evening, like bath & bedtime - all of it. The planning, anticipating, knowing what day is football day & having the kit ready, knowing when dental appointments & gym practice is, keeping their clothes clean & ready for all events, meal planning, homework ..?

He's not going to do it OP.
He might TALK about doing it - as a way of pushing back any decision you finally make about leaving him. Or as a method of control/punishment for you wanting to split.
But he won't do it. He's too lazy, too selfish. And how would he even know where to start? YOU do it all!

I think you have to spell it out to him that you need more support.
She has!

He works hard & says he's tired all the time that's why he can't help.

Whereas OP is NEVER tired.
She has just boundless energy after her 12 hour working days. So much that she does everything her partner is too tired for ...

My parents stayed together 'for the kids'. My brother has never had a successful relationship. I didn't until my mid 40s, after a bunch of expensive and time consuming counselling, to retrain me about what relationships between adults are for, and what they look and feel like.

Don't stay together for the kids. You are their example. Unless you want the same relationship for them, show them that breaking up when you're not happy is a viable option.