Is it ok to be in an ok relationship?

[Theunromantic]

Whenever I have my doubts about my partner who I have been with since I was 18 (12 years ago) I think back to this time 3 years ago when we were on the brink of splitting up. My dad said to me 'well it's not terrible with him is it? He's a decent bloke and he's not abusive is he?'

I felt so shocked. What a low bar?! But maybe not? Is it ok to be with a nice guy, who is a good father to the young child you share, and wants to make you happy? My frustration often lies with my DP not really making any decisions, having no ambition and the way it often feels like he's settling for me.

On another note, I bought our house, my pregnancy was a surprise and he's never approached the subject of marriage. It's all got me wondering if he's really committed to me or even particularly engaged with life.

It's difficult to imagine not being with DP. Finances make this tricky but I also can't imagine him facing life alone. I love this person and want the father of my DS to be ok.

So I guess what I'm asking is, am I maybe expecting too much? Maybe things being ok will do?

Really I think there is no correct answer to this, it ultimately depends what you want out of a relationship. However, it does sound like you want more.

As a quick response to your title, the answer is no, it is not okay to be in an okay relationship.

As a longer response to your post, the above still stands. You are still SO young. You're 30. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a mediocre relationship?

I totally get how hard it might be. I was in a relationship at the age of 18. Split after 6 years and it was so difficult as he was all I ever knew as an adult. I felt lost afterwards. Fast forward to now (I'm a similar age to you), and I'm so much happier.

It sounds like the attraction has gone. If you think there is a chance to get that spark back then go for it! However, if you've already accepted this this will only ever be an okay relationship, then you need to leave. You both deserve more from life. Your child deserves to grow up knowing what real love is. Kids are smart, they can sense when mum and dad aren't fully in it.

The hardest battle you'll have here is overcoming your fear of being without someone who has played such a major role in your adult life.

Ask yourself, do you want to be feeling this way when you're 40? 50? 60?

Did you tell him you want to get married?

It depends what ok is to you.

If you're content with each other, have similar goals, and enjoy life together then that's better in my opinion than chasing a long term relationship that's based on maintaining the honeymoon phase.

If you've got different goals, different priorities, are drifting, have different love languages and don't feel like you're making the most of life together then you're probably incompatible.

There's nothing wrong in realising you've grown apart and amicably splitting if there's no way of resolving the issues.

It is ok to be in an ok relationship

the grass is greener where you water it

you think he is settling for you how?

can you elaborate on his lack of ambition?

why didn’t you purchase the house together?

I guess it depends on what you want out of life. Remember - this is it. You don't get to press the Reset button and get another go at life if at some future age you decide that this wan't the life you wanted. There are inevitably plenty of struggles and challenges in life, and we need a bank account full of love, laughter and joy to carry us through the difficult times. Our primary relationship should be one of the sources of that wealth. If it's not, that means other areas of life have to be even more fulfilling.

Thanks everyone,

Just to answer a couple of Q's

• with marriage, I've either been indifferent or mentioned it might be nice. I guess I'd like it if this was something he expressed he'd like to do off his own back. He doesn't really share his own wants and needs though.

• we sometimes enjoy life together. We're quite alike but sometimes I crave an extrovert to bring me out of my shell a little. When I feel brave and suggest we do something new, DP shrugs and say 'hm, if you want'. If it was the other way round I'd definitely be more enthusiastic about trying new things, and it's just a bonus if it's a suggestion from him!

• I think I'm an easy option. The money for our house was a combination of my savings and inheritance from my nan. I told him I was pregnant and his reaction was just 'guess that's happening then'

• no ambition to do anything. We have a rare child free day off together tomorrow and I asked what he would like to do. He answered 'what do you want to do?' he has a qualification to do a better job than what he's in but doesn't want the challenge, would rather stay what he's comfortable doing. He never organises anything. We're going on our first family holiday next summer and he hasn't offered any help in organising.

To me these seem like big issues at your young age. You don't seem to be getting any joy or fun whatsoever from your relationship and he seems to take the easy option with you housing him and not bothering to use his qualifications and abilities to even slightly challenge himself. I think this will only get worse and you will end up bitter and resentful and probably just bored.
It's not unreasonable to have a day out doing something fun or a holiday once a year and an unenthusiastic partner can suck the fun out of it quick enough.
My view is you shouldn't settle for it. There is so much experiences to have from just local days out to more ambitious holidays away, and sharing all the process of planning and experiencing it is surely part of having a partner. What you say you want is hardly de a demanding or unreasonable.
Also, it looks like you are already questioning the inequality of you buying the house and him not really progressing at work or wanting to. This will become a bigger issue over the next 5 years if it stays the same.
It's a brave decision to make when on the surface there are no obvious big issues, but I think you see your future and it's not what you want.

And the bar your dad sets is way too low

Who owns the house? Is it all in your name?

Not sure it's a popular opinion but I think yes.

It’s really soul destroying to be with someone who is essentially just a passenger and is kind of tepid about the relationship and life in general. It’s not terrible per se in the sense of being abusive or toxic but it drains you, holds you back and generally means you have to be the driving force for everything - parenting, activities, goals, even new experiences together. Makes me extremely depressed as it sucks all the energy out of the family and relationship. Which in my view is not an ‘ok’ thing at all. I aspire to more in life than a pedestrian relationship with someone who isn’t too fussed about engaging with me or life. Saying ‘guess that’s happening then’ in response to becoming a father is depressing.

Truth is, there are lots of people who are content with (what I see as) bland lives, to just let life happen and don’t really want to engage or be adventurous or just connect more deeply. He seems like one of those.

In my view yea that’s more than enough to leave.

Lots of people have qualifications to do things but choose a job they are happier/more comfortable in. Which I think is fine. If he wasn't working at all that would be different. What job you do has to be a personal choice.

Having said that, I agree you sound unhappy. It will only feel harder to make a change if you invest more years in the relationship.

On a separate note, if he 'isn't particularly engaged in life', then that sounds like he may be unhappy in himself.

@Theunromantic You two desperately need to talk to each other.

I think learning to so under the guidance of a joint counsellor would be the best way to do this if at all possible. If going to see a relationship counsellor together is not an option at this time, then can you both go out of your house, to somewhere in a pleasant, and relatively quiet place (eg check the website for when it is usually at it's quietest)?

I think if you could look for some advice on how to start, and then precede with these conversations (you will probably get some excellent advice right here in your thread - but unfortunately probably some crap advice too) then that could help you both overcome any reticence either of you may have at the the beginning.

I'm sorry that I do not feel qualified or experienced enough to advise you directly on your opening question OP, but I think there are too many different answers, and none would be either right or wrong depending on the individuals concerned. But I do wish your whole family unit the best outcome for yourselves, and much good luck on coming to your decisions 💐💐💐

You own the house? Definitely don't marry him.

I also can't imagine him facing life alone

And you think he's your responsibility? A relationship where you feel responsible for your partner isn't ok.

What do you think would happen to him if he had to go it alone?

The grass isn’t always greener. Some learn that the hard way, some find the grass is greener, the whole thing is a gamble really

You can choose the option that's best for you at any time. If you make a bad choice, you can change things again. 'The grass isn't always greener' is a great immobiliser. 'Settle for unhappiness because you could always be more unhappy' will always apply, until you are the unhappiest you could possibly be. Race to the bottom mentality.

I disagree watchkeys - the grass is greener where you water it

the poster has an ok relationship which is what most people have is it not? Or do most people after ten years have ab amazing, exciting, lustful super relationship? Just not realistic on the whole! A small proportion maybe but otherwise things just tick along usually

the guy lacks enthusiasm- well not everyone is enthusiastic! Good luck chasing that characteristic but there will be other characteristics lacking - in my relationship we call this working to our strengths so we each take on what we are best at and don’t get upset that the other person isn’t good at it or interested

You disagree because your aim is 'what most people have', and that, to me, is a low bar.

OP, chase what you want, not someone who fails and you have to look for strengths in that aren't the strengths you'd like to see. Don't let anyone tell you that you should try to be satisfied when you're not; it's advice to disrespect your own feelings, and therefore poor and invalidating.