Aftermath of Love Bombing

[Annabananna1]

I was love bombed. For about 4 - 5 months.
It's ended very suddenly. Recently.
I look back and think what the hell was I thinking!? It's so obvious he was full of shit and none of it was real but it was so intense and felt like we were falling in love. Why didn't I see it at the time and why do I feel so absolutely gutted and lost and sad.

Has anyone been here before. Tell me how to feel better.

The reason you fell for it is that even though it was transparent, it still gave you something you needed. You have to recognise that this is something you can give to yourself, and start doing it, and then you won't miss getting it from him, and you'll be able to separate out the good feelings he gave you from the shit way he's left you feeling.

So, work out what he gave you. Love? Reassurance? Physical affection? Protection from life's knocks? Work out what it was, and start working on how to give that to yourself. It works twofold: once because you're solving the problem, and twice because you're distracted form thinking about him, and start to focus on you.

Wow. That's insightful. Thank you.

You say it was obvious he was full of shit but was it? Love bombers are extremely convincing. You did nothing wrong.

To a large extent we are programmed to being blinded in love. Infatuation overwhelms most people in the early stages of attraction. Lovebombers take advantage of that giddiness and push it further so you are not thinking.

That’s why some people put in place boundaries for themselves in the early days of meeting someone. Not to play games but to give themselves space to reflect on things. To ask the question what’s the hurry and do I have any control on what is happening.

Lovebombers peel off when faced with someone countering their behaviour with boundaries.

You say it was obvious he was full of shit but was it? Love bombers are extremely convincing. You did nothing wrong.

Hm. I suppose with hindsight it's easy to say it was obvious.
He went to such great lengths to see me, I suppose even if I thought it was all a bit intense / soon, I thought he must genuinely like me a lot if he'd skip work to see me or drive three hours to where I was staying. Or spend money on me.

So, what was it he gave you that you needed? what did he make you feel that you miss feeling now?

You're invalidating yourself about the way you dealt with the situation, and the situation itself was caused by you invalidating yourself. To explain, 'What was I thinking?!' is invalidating. The 'validating' response is that you were thinking the sane thoughts of a good person with a normal set of emotions, and there's no need to question yourself on it.

What you're doing is saying 'He did something bad to me, so what's wrong with me?', but there's nothing wrong with you. You wanted to fall in love, you met someone who was really loving, so your feelings developed. That doesn't make you faulty, that makes you capable of love.

The whole reason you want to fall in love in this grand way (travelling hours to see you etc) is because you are in need of something; probably self respect. hen when you get such grand respect from someone else, it fills the gap.

I'm in a situation now where the cynical part of me thinks I'm being love bombed. I'm maintaining my boundaries but if it turns out I am they are doing a pretty good job of it. If it goes tits up then it really is totally on them. You will feel better. Its a shit time of year for a break up.

@Northernsoullover

You don't trust your partner's love. Why would you stay? Even if they're genuine, the suspicion must make things feel horrible for you.

What boundaries do you have if you suspect deception and simply wait? When will you know? Boundaries aren't to do with 'not letting a person too close', they're about making sure we have our own backs sufficiently that if we're let down, we know we'll be ok.

Maybe he was genuinely in love with you but then had a change of heart, or mind. It's out of your control, do your best to move on from it. Bullet dodged.

@Watchkeys it sounds worse than it is. Having been in a similar situation to the OP previously you get burned. My boundaries include saying no (which is never met with anything other than 'another time') and just living my life with the same commitments as I had when I was single. I don't want to highjack the ops thread though (I'm doing a good job of it). The main difference this time is that there is absolutely zero future faking which is always a red flag.

I think any discussion of boundaries is helpful for OP.

How do you know what is future faking without hindsight? Healthy relationships start with a view to a blissfully happy future, and that's what future faking looks like.

Continuing in a relationship where you suspect love bombing is a lack of boundaries, however much you maintain your previous commitments. In a healthy relationship mindset, you leave when trust wavers. You don't keep seeing your friends, going to badminton on Thursday nights, and hope to god your bloke isn't lying in the way you think he might be.

Remember there's nothing wrong with a passionate fling - sometimes we are at a stage of life when this sort of relationship is absolutely fine, the crucial thing is to keep at the back of your mind that it is likely to be short lived, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it whilst it lasts. Protect yourself basically but have fun. I've been there and actually it was what I needed at the time, shortly after I met dp and I knew he was different, he was for keeps

I’d be very suspicious of a man skipping work to see me. Smacks of irresponsibility, impulsiveness, immaturity and being put on a pedestal.

Well balanced, mature men don’t do this.