Knowing all the reasons why but wishing it was easier

[notwhatithoughtitwouldbebutwhatis]

I just need some kind words I think. Or a massive kick up the arse...

Met my husband in my late 30s. After many years of not finding the right one. Amazing - we just seemed to fit and the world went the right way for us. But then...

We got married, had five miscarriages, we both lost a parent, moved house and both changed jobs. I have been overwhelmed by a level of stress I never believed I could take. He continues to be amazing and caring.

But. I am so angry. All the time. And so is he really. It's all so unfair. I want to go back and have the first few years again without all the pain. I want to believe still that I can have a family and not have the awful memories of no heart beats and genetic problems just caused by me being older. The boat for having kids has passed us now and I have made my peace with it. We made new plans. But all the grief and the pain just sits on me and I know it sits on him and I don't know if we can go back to being the happy couple.

So much about my life is amazing. My husband is amazing, my home is amazing, my beautiful cats are amazing. But now it all feels overshadowed by how shit the world can be and I want to crawl under my duvet and not get up. But I have to because my husband is in pain and we need each other.

I feel sad because a part of me knows that from now on life is always going to be that little bit worse if that makes sense. I don't know. Tonight it feels too big and I can't see the way out.

Have you considered going to therapy together? You've been through a lot, both separately and together. It sounds like you could do with a helping hand in processing all the feelings that come with it

You need professional help, you need to grieve and grieve some more and lean in close to one another and find joy and happiness in the small things for now.

It takes so much time to get over such pain, be kind to yourself.

I haven't been through half of what you have but I understand a little in terms of falling in love and then crap happening and losing that happy place - all I can say is for us it's coming back now... Can you try date nights? Going to your favourite places? Could you travel? That has always been my biggest healer and changes how I view my world and the effects stay with me for a long time - and yes, you can't go back but you can go forward and it might be a different happy but it can still be a happy xx

Thanks for the responses. I think therapy is a good idea - I have been looking into it. I resisted the idea of date nights for a long time - it felt wrong to schedule something that used to come so easily. But I think it's also a good idea. Thank you so much

You need to go to couples therapy immediately, as soon as humanly possible. I would also recommend individual therapy.

You clearly have so many positives in your life, you love each other. You just need help processing the disappointment and trauma you've both been through. I wish you all the best.

I am so sorry that you're going through this - your OP was so beautifully written too - quite heartbreaking.

My sister had breast cancer twice in her late 30s and the chemotherapy stopped her being able to have children. She is a super positive person but for a good few years I know her and her partner felt very bleak.

But they came out the other side, accepted things as they were and embraced the positives eventually. She is a wonderful aunt to my DCs and a fantastic daughter to our widowed father.

I think you'll both get there too, but in the meantime sending you a virtual hug.