Friend talking to scammer: what would you do?

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in Relationships or Mental Health. Bit of both. Ongoing saga, I've posted about it before and had plenty of comments, good and bad. Walk away. You're over-invested. Get a life. Keep your nose out.

Friend said she wanted to open up and tell me something at the weekend. She's been "talking to" (never met, never Facetimed/Zoomed only shared photos that could be of anyone and spoken on the phone) a former catalogue model in Florida since the summer. I had heard of this before and they asked her to talk with them on Telegram, not normal texts or WhatsApp etc.

He is in love with her, has lost his wife to breast cancer, he now wants to settle down with someone and live a quiet life, and she is the one.

Knowing her track record I asked if she was sure he was real, and she said yes, here's his voice message to prove it (it sounded like someone with an African accent pretending to be American) and also he hasn't asked for any money (yet.) Also he doesn't want her "talking to" other guys, he wants her all to himself, which proves he's genuine, doesn't it?

When she told them she needed time to think about moving to sunny Florida from cold and wet North Yorkshire, they said that they weren't prepared to be messed about. Cue lots of crying and her sending impassioned messages how sorry she was, give me another chance, you're breaking my heart and making my depression worse, please talk to me.

What would you do:

Be there when it all hits the fan.
Hope it does all hit the fan to give her a wake up call (and support her when it does)
Give straight talking (though she'd get cross if I was to do that)
Nothing.

Doesn't sound like there's much you can do, have you spoken to her about reverse searching his image?
Encourage her to watch the BBC daytime programme with Kym Marsh ( I can't remember the name of it) they speak to people who have been romances scammed.
Where did she meet him?

She's seen the Kym Marsh/Ashley-John Baptiste show, and one with Rav Wilding. She still thinks this one is real though.

She "met" him when she played a WOW or OMG! game on Facebook, posted the results (you know, something like "What would Clare look like as one of Santa's reindeer") and any Tom, Dick or Harry can respond.

She got a message on the lines of "I really like your picture, you look so interesting, let's be friends" and off she goes like a rat up a drainpipe.

I think if it was my friend, I would send her an article so she can compare to her experience…. She may well not listen, but I would tell her gently that she will no doubt be asked for money and told a sob story.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10087921/amp/Online-security-expert-reveals-SEVEN-telltale-signs-online-lover-actually-scammer.html

I'd tell her straight that I have no doubt it's a con but I'd stick around to be a shoulder to cry on (possibly rolling my eyes when she can't see).

She does sound annoyingly naive though.

You are right to be concerned but she will never be convinced. Even if she walked away now she will be targeted again. Try to get her to focus on practicalities. Sooner or later he will be asking for money to sort a visa, tickets etc. if she is already aware of the process and obstacles to getting a green card and visa it may just set off alarm bells. What is there to keep her here?

Get your email fired up and bombard her with screen shots of all the fake profiles a reverse image search throws up.
keep repeating bluntly it's a scam.

Honestly? If she was a well loved friend I wouldn't hold back with what I thought and do my best to prove to her that it was a scam, even if she ended up never speaking to me again.

Yeah it sounds like you'll banging your head against a brick wall, is she particularly vulnerable?
Can you reverse search his image and show her the results?
Is she wealthy?

oh no! I played words with friends for a while and honestly I got this exact story several times a week! A man saying hi I like your picture bla bla bla - then usually he was in the army so lonely - has kids (single dad) as wife sadly died!
It's text book scam!!

Get her to watch catfish Uk!

Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do to help her - she will not listen

Does she have money?? i'd be concerned she will send it to him

Realistically she can't really pack up and move to Florida though can she - so the only issue here is that she starts sending him money is the real worry!

And aftermath when it goes tits up

Not vulnerable really, just needy.

No, because I don't have his image unfortunately. She showed me on her phone.

Not really, no. She owns the house outright and lives on benefits but gets about £1400 a month, so she's able to cope. Nothing that these guys would be interested in - but you never know.

A single dose of straight talking and if she continues to be silly, then be there when the inevitable happens. Some people can’t be helped and would rather live in denial. Your friend is an adult and is fully entitled to be reckless.

They would be interested in anyone who fell for their scam antics whether moneied or otherwise; these types do not care at all. Telegram is also known for attracting romance scammers.

What would I do? I'd tell my good friend that she was a complete idiot and she'd clearly taken leave of her sense. I'd tell her not to be so bloody dense

Bit this is assuming she's a good friend

Even better for them. They can ask her to to take out loans against her house. All her savings will be gone.

I find it hard to believe when people are this dense. I'm not sure I could be friends with someone who'd fall for a scam, I'd find it incredibly annoying for someone to be that naive. Obviously it's different if someone is vulnerable in some way, or very elderly. But just "needy"? I'd be too irritated.

even if they got £50 a month from her its worth it to them as they are getting £50 a month from probably 50 other women. they will be sitting at a computer all day as their job messaging different women and men from around the world. its a full time job to them. I sat next to a woman in a thai internet cafe 20 years ago who was doing just that - had several windows open with messages to different men.

omg! when i was online dating, i had contact from someone with the exact story hes told ur friend!! my reply was goodluck but looking for someone closer to home. not sure what to advice, but its definitely a scam

She is vulnerable, due to her mh issues, and her desperation to be given another chance shows how easily she can be manipulated. If she gets benefits despite owning her home presumably that is non means tested ones like PIP.

She seems well and truly sucked in.

You can check his phone number by using Trucaller, it's very handy for this type of thing. It will bring up the name of who the number is registered to. Or most saved as I think. I'm not sure I'd she'd give you the number though, but if she saw something dodgy, it might make her think twice.

Otherwise. You just have to sit on the sidelines and wait for the train wreck to happen sadly.

Is there a way you could find him online and catfish him into thinking you're a lonely widow of means? Then show screenshots to your friend.

Also if you search for his name, you'd find it if he lived in Florida. It's a lot easier than here and even basic websites will tell you the other addresses attached to him and who he lives with. You can even search their arrest record.

Start with this as a basic.
www.whitepages.com/name/White-Pages/FL

It’s so difficult, I’ve (professionally) known a number of these and the people getting scammed are so hard to get through to. I think I’d try to drum it in to her: you do not send money, you do not send money. That’s the only possibility I see - the chance of you convincing her that he’s fake before he asks for money is slim to none.

Have you asked her how she intends to move to America? You can't just move there cos you want to. Is the next phase of this, that she starts sending him money to get a green card ? I think I'd have one really good go at telling her very plainly that it's a scam, maybe telling her you know of others who have been told the exact same thing, encourage her to join a RL activity, then wash my hands of it.

This. If she doesn’t listen I would back away from the friendship.

*What would you do:

Give straight talking (though she'd get cross if I was to do that)

Of course she will; she's an emotional vampire, loving ALL the excitement and drama she can suck out of other people to feed her self-importance. Anger, tears, fears, begging, despair, she loves it all.

The fantasy model is just the ticket seller to her prima-donna stage show. She's on centre stage, you are the audience , ( no doubt,along with many other friends, family etc). She's the star, basking in the spotlight of your concern, and revelling in all the attention, sympathy, advice , worry , time and energy focussed on her.

I'd tell her just once, and very hard, that its an obvious nutcase scam. She should walk away and that's exactly what YOU are going to do. You're walking out of this tacky little Disneyworld circus. End of discussion.

Then stick to it. Every time she strikes up the music, ignore, shut it down, refuse to listen or discuss.

Pip and universal credit.