My husband is cruel

[Eyeofthetiger30]

Hi all - I’m sharing this as I don’t feel I have anyone I can openly share with about this.

my husband is being quite cruel to me. We have just had our first child which I know is putting a strain on our relationship. I opened up to him that since having the baby that I am feeling low and need help and he threw it back in my face and just said it makes him feel like shit that I’m feeling this way. He said getting professional help would not be good to have on my records. He also doesn’t want us to spend money on counselling for me even though we have the money. When I suggested marriage counselling he said as two emotionally intelligent adults we shouldn’t need to pay a professional to give us input. We have been married less than two years.

i feel confident that I’m doing my best as a mother and I love my son very much & would do anything for him, but after I told my husband I was feeling low he said I can’t handle being a mother. He also said I’m hard to love & belittles me & makes me feel so small. He is destroying my self worth. He did this on occasion before the baby was here, so it’s not just because of the stress of the baby. He attacks my character which makes me withdraw into my shell & I can’t cope very well with it - I don’t feel emotionally safe in our marriage. If he apologises he says that I can’t take what he says in the heat of the moment personally, but I can’t help it - the damage has already been done. To the world he is sweetness and light and the perfect husband which is why I don’t feel I can share this with anyone. he seems like two different people, one who is kind & supportive and one who is cruel & mean.

as I’m quite sleep deprived and hormonal I’m not sure if my feelings are valid so any input from the mumsnet community is welcome! Thank you

He is abusive. It won’t get any better. Sorry you’re having to put with an utter git. Congratulations on the birth of your son.

Your husband is an abusive shite. Book counselling for yourself and start getting your head around getting rid of him.

This is horrible op I'm so sorry.
This is not normal or ok, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
What do you get out of this relationship?
I'd argue that telling people is exactly what you need to do. You need real life support and you can only get that from people who know you.
I wouldn't be surprised if others have noticed his behaviors already and it might not come as such a shock.

Do you have friends or family who could come and stay to support you?

OP, your feelings are valid and your husband is an emotional abuser. What support do you have around you? Friends/family?

This type of person doesn't change. He won't suddenly think 'oh, I should be nice to my wife' and stick to it, the cruel side is his real self.

Oh darling, that sounds horrible. You need to see your GP asap, you could have Post Natal depression. Why try to struggle through feeling like this without help? If your have a broken arm you get help so if you need something to sort out the chemical imbalance in your brain, go and get some help. Its not the stigma your DH seems to still think it is. Why worry if its noted anywhere. It shows strength of character to ask for help when you need it, not just struggling on in silence. Its not the 50s.

Once you start to feel better, then you can think seriously about whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is nasty and cruel. Do you have any good friends you could talk to? Don't worry that people won't believe you as you may be surprised at who can see through the "nice bloke, everyones mate" persona.

Be kind to yourself. New babies are hard anyway but even harder when you are coping with an unsupportive, nasty partner.

Go phone the GP now. And congratulations on your new baby.

He sounds abusive.

He doesn’t want you to seek help he knows the counsellor would say your problem is him.

I generally say don’t leave someone within the first year of having a baby but in this case get support for your mental health and then consider what’s right.

The only person who would see your medical records are your doctors/nurse. Over 10% of mothers develop PND depression after a baby and that’s before you consider the other mental health issues which develop after birth. Go and see your GP, it doesn’t look bad on anyone.

Your marriage is over because of his abuse towards you and in turn your child. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over both you and your child.

Pregnancy and or birth are flashpoints for abusive men to further show their true colours. I am not at all surprised he is all sweetness and light to outsiders; many abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Your son cannot afford to grow up seeing you as his other being abused by their dad. I hope you have supportive family and friends but in any case do contact Womens Aid as they can and will help you. I would also seek support from your GP and or health visitor as abuse can and does thrive on secrecy.

Of course your feelings are fucking valid! They are by definition anyway but you explain the situation so clearly and with understanding that it's as plain as day that he is being an abusive shit. Please find someone you trust to have your back and open up to them. You are in the right, they will believe you.

You poor woman.

Your husband is abusing you.

Has done so before you had a child and has now escalated it.

You need to stop protecting him.

Of vourse he is sweet to the world, that is often how they hide in plain sight.

Your marriage is over.

You need to tell family and friends the truth.
You need to tell your GP and health visitor.

He doesn't want you speaking to anyone.
He doesn't want anyone hearing how he behaves.

This is how it continues.

Can you go and stay with family?
Pack a bag and bring the baby.

Tell them the truth.

This is not the end of your life, just the end of your marriage to an abusive man.

You and your baby can have a good life together.

Women's aid are a good listening ear.

I don't know how but this should have been posted to the thread where the lady's ex doesn't want her to breastfeed child because she eats pork. I'm really sorry! I've reported it.

He is a controller and this is going to get worse, not better. The reason he does not want you talking about your problems is that controllers try to isolate their victims from others. Please get help for your low mood. It is very common indeed after giving birth, and there is help out there. Speak to your GP and health visitor.
When you feel a bit better, plan to leave this abusive man. In the meantime, can you go and stay with relatives with your baby? If so, go now, just pack a quick bag and take your baby out of reach of this nasty man.

Life is too short to live this way, especially with a baby. Better to flag up his behaviour now than further down the line. Stay strong. Hoping you have RL support. If you don't, you will receive good support on here and others have said speaking to GP, Women's Aid. Samaritans are trained to listen, they can't afford advice but they can lend a listening ear, which may help you feel less alone.

What a horrible abusive husband and father he is. Abusive men rarely change, that is why people are saying your marriage is over - it will only get worse. There will be the good times in what is called the cycle of abuse and these will confuse you very much because you will wonder why he can't be nice all the time. The answer is that he does not want to be nice to you, he wants to control you. Read
Why Does he do That: ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

He’s abusing you.

This abuse will only get worse and will never ever stop. Get yourself and your baby away from him as he will soon start on the poor child.

Please stay with family or friends away from him. See your hv and gp as you may have post natal depression. He should be supporting you bot gas lighting you.

It won’t look good on your records if you seek help?? Wtf?? Who’s going to look at your records anyway? They’re confidential and should not be seen by anyone apart from the person/ organisation you are seeking help from. They’re not for public display! i work in the medical sector and nobody would bat an eyelid. You would not be judged for seeking help and there is no looking good or not looking good! They are YOUR records.
He’s trying to manipulate and control you so that you don’t seek help and you will eventually feel worse! I can guarantee you that’s why he doesn’t want you to get help!
As the other pp’s have said, he’s abusive. You tried to confide in him about how you feel and he said you make him feel like shit! Awww my heart bleeds for him! Not! Get yourself and your baby away as he will only get worse.

ignore him if you feel the need to seek help from your doctors then do it don’t suffer no one’s going to judge you and certainly not a professional he is abusing you and that’s the end of it seek help off your health visitor they have access to support

Preventing you from seeking medical assistance as it would expose his abuse, probably comes under Coercive control, which is now a crime.

Please tell your GP that he has tried to prevent you seeking help.

It needs to be noted that he told you that it would be damaging for you professionally to seek support.

Second, third and fourth this book recommendation.

partner telling you you “have issues”, “need help”, “can’t cope” or similar when you are going through some perfectly legitimate emotional upheaval as a result of a major life change = massive red flag.

I went for some counseling after I had my DD because I was struggling in my relationship and with parenthood and I wasn’t sure what the root of the problem was. My ex told me he thought I had PND so, after discussing his behaviour and various things I felt were unacceptable, and the fact that I thought it might be better to end the relationship despite having this tiny baby together etc I also raised the possibility that my perspective might be a result of PND.

My Counsellor said she thought I had “post natal clarity”.

Most validating and helpful response ever. Felt more confident relying on my own instincts after that!

Thanks so much everyone for your responses. I have booked to go to the GP and have spoken to a friend about what’s been going on which was really helpful.

Well done. You have made two good decisions there.