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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deal with another woman staying over

17 replies

Supernova18 · 21/11/2022 11:13

I know I have posted before and opened up to some fair comments. My ex told me 3/4 weeks ago his new gf who he has been dating for 3 months now would be staying over with her child. Her child is 18 months and my daughter just 1. How do you accept this and get your head around it. I am very on edge as he shrugs it off if asked if its serious, or if this is a step family set up (meaning consistent, with her child etc).

His response to my mum today was it is upsetting when he is asked if it would be consistent and step family comments are ridiculous (maybe they are?). Please someone help. I am so down and upset as his comebacks are 'I cannot speak to her even in January' followed by crying emojis as he seems to think by then we will be good friends. 3 months seems so soon for someone to be staying around my daughter and I am not sure how I calm my nerves, I suffered from PND and attachment with her.

OP posts:
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 21/11/2022 11:17

It seems too soon in my opinion too so I understand how you feel.

Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do, as he is her parent too.

I think it's reasonable to ask him if it's serious as you don't want multiple partners introduced.

I would just try and make the most of your time when he has her, at the end of the day he is her dad and you have to trust him. Luckily she's so young, if it doesn't work out, she won't remember.

RoseAndRose · 21/11/2022 11:21

I think 3 months is far too soon.

But you can't do a damned thing about it, unfortunately

Dogtooth · 21/11/2022 11:26

I don't think you can do anything about it. Can you find an article that explains why stability is good for kids, and send it to him?

Maybe this kind of thing? www.mind-balance.org/post/core-childhood-need-what-makes-a-stable-environment

I wouldn't make it about the partner per se, much as you might want to. Focus on what your child needs and how it could be upsetting for her to cope with lots of change if the relationship doesn't last.

Original poster
Supernova18 · 21/11/2022 11:38

I agree that it is hard for them to see each other if they both have children. However, 3 months is nothing and that is my worry. He corrects a relationship or any comments about it being more to 'dating' which suggests its casual and that I am being ridiculous with any type of suggestion of it being more of a family dynamic (which is surely is with 2 kids and a female and male no? who stay over, babies up in the night etc?).

OP posts:
JackieQueen · 21/11/2022 11:41

Sorry that's tough for you op. 💐 I wonder what he would say if you wanted a man staying over, he'd probably see it differently!

Quitelikeit · 21/11/2022 11:45

Think about this from a risk or safety perspective- from your post there are no concerns in these areas and it’s these things you need to be concerned about when your child is outwith your care.

try not to dwell, your child won’t realise it’s a relationship she will just see this woman as a person

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 21/11/2022 11:50

In my experience, women are more attuned to the needs of small children than men. It might be a positive thing to have another adult around. I would insist on meeting her first though, maybe go for a coffee together?

starrynight21 · 21/11/2022 11:51

I know it's tough, but to the children there won't be any issues. They are both just babies really, they don't have any idea about relationships etc. As long as his gf is nice to your child there won't be any problem.

supercali77 · 21/11/2022 11:55

Id be more concerned on impact of kids if kids were older tbh. At 1 Yr and 18 mo they're just 2 toddlers bumbling about and playing with toys. Also as others have said, theres not much you can do to prevent it.

pictish · 21/11/2022 11:58

It’s his call. You can’t stop him and to be honest, there’s no stand out reason you should. Your child will be fine.

Venetiaparties · 21/11/2022 11:58

I would probably talk about contact day time only for your baby and not have any sleepovers for the time being. I am assuming your child is not breast fed? Could there be another reason? I wouldn't want strangers living with my baby, no.

Very difficult for you op. I would want to move away as far as possible from someone that showed so little regard for our baby's welfare.

notanothertakeaway · 21/11/2022 12:22

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 21/11/2022 11:50

In my experience, women are more attuned to the needs of small children than men. It might be a positive thing to have another adult around. I would insist on meeting her first though, maybe go for a coffee together?

@TortugaRumCakeQueen OP has no right to "insist" on meeting the new GF for coffee. Imagine if OP formed a new relationship and her ex insisted on meeting the new partner! Talk about controlling

OP I agree it's premature, but you can't really do anything about it, I'm afraid

pictish · 21/11/2022 12:27

I agree. One can ‘insist’ on meeting for coffee all one wants but one may well be left wanting. There is no obligation to.

pictish · 21/11/2022 12:30

Also

“I would want to move away as far as possible from someone that showed so little regard for our baby's welfare.”

So little regard? What are you on about? His gf is coming over for the night…so what? You’d remove your child from regular contact with her father for this? I think you’re nuts.

Original poster
Supernova18 · 22/11/2022 11:16

Thank you everyone again. On my hard times, this is the place to come for a voice of reason. He messaged my mum yesterday saying about talking etc, but whenever that happens he throws in my face how wonderful life is, how its all my fault, how he wants me to see how amazing the life they are building is, how shes a brilliant mum to my daughter. Then he erupts at the term step family and says its utterly ridiculous and nonsense.

I know I cannot do anything about it, he told me everyone thinks I am a joke to be worried and concerned and sent my mum a load of crying emojis to go with that message. He has been with her 3 months and before her there were 3/4 other women. I know I have to trust him, so I will and just eleave him to now get on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Supernova18 · 22/11/2022 11:34

I also don't feel ready to meet her. He was awful when we split and kept coming and going. He left me with his daughter hysterical with her reflux, both covered in sick and went and stayed in a hotel room with a woman....He then said he would get with anyone to get at me. This woman he got with who he has known for over 10 years, so that should give me comfort. I feel its just wasted my time sadly, as I have no family close to help me and he knows this. Unless I agree to everything he wants 'I have to find alternative help' e.g. if I have my hospital appts. He has told me if I move closer (2 min away) he will help me.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 30/04/2023 12:43

This thread is a few months old and the op hasn't been back since last November. However I think her concerns were/are valid, her ex husband sounds simply awful in several ways and I cannot understand why his girlfriend wants to stay with him when she has a baby herself.

By now of course he may have moved on to someone else.

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