Is closure necessary?

[StrugglingTurtle]

Someone I really loved has completely changed and I am struggling to accept him and the situation. I feel in limbo and when I try and discuss it, it's clear it isn't up for discussion. I have my theories but I'm scared to raise it in case I get a load of "abuse" from him. I need to put this to bed inside myself as I'm unhappy and it is eating me up. Is it worth attempting to get closure or if not how do I simply let go of it all and move on?

No it’s not.

Well, closure from the other person isn't always available so no, it isn't necessary.

I think you can make your own closure from the situation though. I don't know the ins and outs here but I suppose it would be about being clear eyed regarding the situation, thinking through what's happened, why your relationship has irrevocably changed and making a decision to accept that, mentally send this person good wishes and then deal with any feelings that come from having drawn that line. Saying goodbye in his absence, if you like.

Thank you. That is helpful. I want to feel peace and calm about the whole thing. I do until I start thinking more and then a sort of bubbling of anguish rises inside me and I think I need to have this big lengthy chat with him. But I don't think I'll get any answers and I don't actually think he wants to hear from me any more. I think he is just humouring me which is tragic.

I think you've got the measure of the situation and just need to work through the information you do have, and accept it rather than pursuing answers about why your friend has changed, what this means, will he ever come back. As you say, he doesn't seem so keen to provide these answers. Writing it all down chronologically, ending with your current feelings might help.

Sorry, I assumed he was a friend for some reason but still stands whatever the relationship

I do keep going through it all in my head and I can come away feeling calmer and more reasoned about it all. I do feel used/abandoned and I'm grieving how things used to be. But I don't think it will ever return. But how I long for it to return. I miss him and I hate that I feel this way.

I agree with @hugefanofcheese, you need to make your own closure, OP.
Take back your power and move on to a brighter future. You got this.

Closure is the recognition that you don't care about it anymore. Nobody else can give you that. It's something you give yourself, as a gift.

I just need the ball of anxiety inside me to dissipate. I hope it happens soon. I desperately want to reach out but when I do it always seems to be worse afterwards. I fuck it up somehow. I'm fed up of feeling this way.

You can find your own closure without the input of the other person.
I find writing very therapeutic. You could doodle and do charts, comparison tables, a 'tree' of possible reasons or outcomes. It helps get this tangled up mess in the head down in a more coherent thing in black and white so if you haven't tried it, I strongly recommend you write about what happened and what you need to know from it and why and so on.Really dissect it and be brutally honest. You can burn or rip it all up later or save it to reread in moments of weakness.

I will give the writing a go. I want to let go and I want to feel better again so I can concentrate on my life and feeling better again. I have six weeks until the new year and I can't start it like this

I agree with all the others - it has to come from within.

What I found helpful in a similar situation was telling myself (kindly but firmly) that it didn't matter why he did what he did, the point was he'd done it, and that nothing he could say was going to make me feel any better.

For me there also came a point after a couple of months where I was just wasting emotional energy in going over it all again and then I had to train myself to stop thinking about it and think about something else instead (again, said to myself with kindness and compassion, not beating myself up about it). As I recall I started thinking about Christmas baking instead every time I found myself thinking 'but why...' thoughts I'd already thought a million times before. You might not be at that stage yet but you might find that approach helpful when you are.

All best wishes for the new year!

As I recall I started thinking about Christmas baking instead every time I found myself thinking 'but why

@Squooka I hummed the Postman Pat tune!

OP, you can retrain your brain. Thinking about things you don't want to think about is a habit, like smoking, and you can choose to give it up.

I'm not sure what you mean about reaching out then feeling worse, but why are you putting that down to you fucking up? Is it not that you reach out and then the other person hurts you, so they're fucking up?

@Watchkeys I understand what you're saying but I find I end up tripping over my words or I say something and it gets over interpreted. Then I get called out for it and I end up digging holes and I just feel awful. I guess I want him to like me again but I just don't think it will ever happen.

I don't know the postman pat tune but I'm going to find my equivalent.

I understand what you're saying but

Why is this a 'but'? You go on to confirm that you are being interpreted wrongly. Communication is a 2 way thing: when it goes wrong, it isn't one person's 'fault', it's just like having a bad line on the phone. The only exception to this is if someone is being deliberately unpleasant, and giving what you say hurtful meanings.

Either way, if you're trying to say good things and the other person is interpreting bad things or unhelpful things, in a consistent way, from your words, it's an unhealthy situation for you, and you are responsible for pulling you away from it.

The healthy approach here isn't 'He keeps misinterpreting me, so I must be saying it wrong', it's 'He keeps misinterpreting me so there's no point trying to communicate with him'

Why is it so important to you that he likes you? What if he doesn't like you? Can't you just let that be? Do you like you? Do you respect you? What you're demonstrating is that you need him to like you because you hold his opinion in very high esteem. Why is that? What's so special about him, that his judgment is so important to you? Is he some sort of qualified judge of characters that you highly respect?

Think this is the answer to your question really. You don’t actually want closure (which is the closing of the interaction with a view to moving on), you still want him to change his behaviour. Wanting someone to talk to you or like you again is wanting things to be different and not accepting that they aren’t what you want.

The closure comes from accepting the situation as it is and focusing on a new future for yourself. It’s not easy and can take time. But the longer you focus on wanting him to be different, the longer it takes to get true closure.

Closure is just something someone came up with. It’s like “love languages”. It’s just an idea and honestly I don’t think anyone ever gets what they want from it.

So just focus on yourself - lots of self care and positive talk

@Watchkeys your post made me cry. Not in a horrible way but just in a facing facts way. I guess I do value him so highly and he no longer values me the same. I thought he did. He made me feel special, understood and loved and now I feel abandoned and lost. Tragic but true.

I do like me but I have had a horrendous year and it has finally caught up with me. With this on top I'm struggling massively to see the wood for the trees.

He made me feel special, understood and loved and now I feel abandoned and lost

Are you abandoned and lost? I suspect that you may be special, loved, and very understandable, and those are the things you don't feel about yourself. What can you do for you, that makes you feel special? The solution to all this is in meeting your own needs. If you spend some time being your own pet project, being indulgent, being focused on you and your wants and needs, you will start to feel like a person who is worthy of having your needs met. That's what makes the desperate feeling disappear. It's not that you stop needing stuff, it's that you feel it's readily available to you, rather than something rare and precious. It stops you getting into any further unhealthy relationships too, because if someone is spending money on you and travelling for hours, you'll think 'Why does he have to do this to meet his needs? Why isn't he finding an easier way?' rather than focussing on what he's doing for your failing self esteem.

So, look after you. Nobody can do it better. What do you want? What do you need? What would help? Try that helpful, forward line of thinking, rather than critically looking backwards with 'What's wrong with me that I fell for this obvious crap?!' You met a guy and fell for him, and he was lovely to you: that's what happens in successful relationships too. The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.