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Original poster

Sudden strange behaviour

16 replies

loikey · 20/11/2022 23:25

I've been with my fiancé for 2 years. We are in our late 30s. Our relationship was really good in the beginning, but now he has completely changed.

Recently he's done a few odd things and I'm not sure why. For example, I got some new food for the fish and put it next to the tank. The next day it was gone. I asked him where it was and he said he had no idea. Eventually I found it at the back of a kitchen cupboard. It's only us that live in the house, and it can only be him that moved it. He says he has no idea what I'm talking about, and says there's no logical reason why he would move it there.

This isn't the first strange thing to happen. But it's the first strange thing that I know he definitely did. It worries me that he is looking me in the eyes and lying.

He's been going through a very stressful time recently, but he's become very moody and critical of me. It almost feels controlling at times and like I am worried to speak my mind.

What's going on?

OP posts:
Readaboutyourself · 20/11/2022 23:29

2 years isn’t terribly long. I say that from the same boat btw! Have you seen him in stressful situations before or is this the first time?

I can see how he moved the fish food and wasn’t aware of it if his mind is busy… that said you describe him as controlling and there’s no excuse for that.

BatshitBanshee · 20/11/2022 23:34

Two separate issues here maybe:

If he's stressed and preoccupied, then I can see how he's maybe moved the fish food and not realised.

However.

How long are you engaged for OP? Is this the first stressful time he's had with you? Because it's also entirely possible that he's let his best behaviour guard down and has "secured" you so believes he can do silly things like move fish food and swear blind he never touched it to make you believe you're going mad. The criticism and control... Again, is it possible he's let the best behaviour slip? Only you can judge that.

But I will say that when we are hurting, sometimes we lash out at those closest to us. Most people can do that and apologise though without becoming abusive. Have you talked to him about it?

Original poster
loikey · 20/11/2022 23:40

I don't think he's done it because he's preoccupied. It's never moved the whole time we've been together, there's no reason at all why it would get moved. He's done a few things like this and denies it, it's like he wants me to think I'm going crazy.

I guess it is the first time he has been under stress. But he's become patronising towards me and almost belittles me at times. He will say it's just a joke and how I've lost my sense of humour. But I feel like when someone is constantly making comments it stops being funny.

We've been engaged for the last 6 months.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 20/11/2022 23:41

Sounds a bit like he's attempting to gaslight you. That only works on a person who can be swayed into believing things that aren't true to the extent that they begin to wonder if they have done things themselves. You, however, have enough faith in yourself to know that strange things are occuring, but you're not doing them. This makes him look the odd one, and yes it is strange.
I'd say 2 years is when the honeymoon period ends and you find the real person, so beware as this could be his norm and the mask is slipping.
You know him best, so in time you will find out if this is his response to stress or more how he is. One might be supported out of the situation, the other state is a permanent personality trait and possibly better off getting Way from. Do you have a wedding date set? I recommend a long engagement seeing as he proposed before 2 years were up, there could be a reason he wanted to pin you down early before finding him out.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2022 23:45

He's been going through a very stressful time recently, but he's become very moody and critical of me. It almost feels controlling at times and like I am worried to speak my mind.

What's going on?

Who fucking cares what the reasons are? The only thing you should be focused on is getting the hell out of there. He is gaslighting you and deliberately trying to make you feel insecure and off balance. He is not the man you thought he was. This is how abusers work.

Readaboutyourself · 20/11/2022 23:46

loikey · 20/11/2022 23:40

I don't think he's done it because he's preoccupied. It's never moved the whole time we've been together, there's no reason at all why it would get moved. He's done a few things like this and denies it, it's like he wants me to think I'm going crazy.

I guess it is the first time he has been under stress. But he's become patronising towards me and almost belittles me at times. He will say it's just a joke and how I've lost my sense of humour. But I feel like when someone is constantly making comments it stops being funny.

We've been engaged for the last 6 months.

It honestly doesn’t sound like there’s anything to fight for in that case. Thank god you’re seeing this before you’re married.

BatshitBanshee · 20/11/2022 23:47

loikey · 20/11/2022 23:40

I don't think he's done it because he's preoccupied. It's never moved the whole time we've been together, there's no reason at all why it would get moved. He's done a few things like this and denies it, it's like he wants me to think I'm going crazy.

I guess it is the first time he has been under stress. But he's become patronising towards me and almost belittles me at times. He will say it's just a joke and how I've lost my sense of humour. But I feel like when someone is constantly making comments it stops being funny.

We've been engaged for the last 6 months.

If he's become patronising towards me and almost belittles me at times. He will say it's just a joke and how I've lost my sense of humour. But I feel like when someone is constantly making comments it stops being funny is part of the new behaviour then I would seriously start considering whether you want to be legally tethered to him. Do you have a close friend or family member to confide in? Maybe who also know him and can gauge how he is?

The lashing out I said previously wouldn't include this ^ behaviour. The "it's a joke/you've no sense of humour" line is always a red flag.

Original poster
loikey · 20/11/2022 23:54

I have spoken to friends about it. They all want me to leave him.

I think he has been chipping away at my confidence for quite some time, and now I'm left wondering whether I'm overreacting and being sensitive or if he really is a bad person.

It just seems so hard to think that he isn't the amazing guy I thought he was 2 years ago. I can't get my head around the fact he isn't like that now. It makes no sense to me.

He will act like that person every now and then, and it makes me think things are going to be ok. Then he suddenly changes.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 20/11/2022 23:56

Ah, he's insecure about himself, but unfortunately has a nasty streak where it makes him feel stronger by taking you down a peg. Hmm, I'm liking him less the more you describe him.
Have a backup plan so you can do an easy exit, don't get pregnant, don't marry or buy property- easier if renting.

thisisasurvivor · 20/11/2022 23:56

loikey · 20/11/2022 23:54

I have spoken to friends about it. They all want me to leave him.

I think he has been chipping away at my confidence for quite some time, and now I'm left wondering whether I'm overreacting and being sensitive or if he really is a bad person.

It just seems so hard to think that he isn't the amazing guy I thought he was 2 years ago. I can't get my head around the fact he isn't like that now. It makes no sense to me.

He will act like that person every now and then, and it makes me think things are going to be ok. Then he suddenly changes.

Please leave as soon as you can

That's not healthy at all

It will get worse if you marry this mad man

NoPrivateSpy · 21/11/2022 00:08

Trust your gut here. You've seen enough red flags.

Twillow · 21/11/2022 00:10

It's gaslighting.
Your friends don't like him? Not a good sign...

SunflowerTed · 21/11/2022 00:20

Get out before planning a wedding. Will only get worse x

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/11/2022 00:25

Your friends are right. I think you know what you need to do.

watcherintherye · 21/11/2022 00:30

🚩

barskits · 21/11/2022 00:33

loikey · 20/11/2022 23:54

I have spoken to friends about it. They all want me to leave him.

I think he has been chipping away at my confidence for quite some time, and now I'm left wondering whether I'm overreacting and being sensitive or if he really is a bad person.

It just seems so hard to think that he isn't the amazing guy I thought he was 2 years ago. I can't get my head around the fact he isn't like that now. It makes no sense to me.

He will act like that person every now and then, and it makes me think things are going to be ok. Then he suddenly changes.

The onlooker sees more of the game. Please take heed of what your friends think.

Some of the time he's the lovely person you first met. Then he changes. Well, that's what they do. If they were horrible all the time, then you wouldn't stay with them. They give you just enough to keep you hooked, while at the same time confusing you and making you believe that you're imagining things, and that none of it makes sense.

He is gaslighting you. Escape now before it's too late.

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