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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me make sense of this?

16 replies

Veryconfused12 · 20/11/2022 22:40

I’ve been on three promising dates with a guy from one of the apps. He seems very taken by me and quite full on. He admits to being intense etc which has made me cautious. I’ve been very honest about wanting children and a husband. He has a teenage kid. Last date I told him about my timeline and said I would understand that if it’s too short for him etc that would be ok and we can part ways. He said he is open to a baby with the right partner. Marriage he doesn’t want to rush etc. all fine. We agreed to date and see how things go.

He messaged the next day to say he couldn’t stop thinking about me. We arranged a date for following weekend. Tonight we exchanged a few naughty flirty messages and I jokingly invited him over with a winky face. And he didn’t like this. He said when he suggested Netflix and some alcohol the other week, I didn’t take to it kindly - to be honest, all I did say was I wasn’t looking for just sex. He spent a long time reassuring me he didn’t want just that either. Anyway tonight he said he couldn’t believe I was asking him over etc. I said I was flirting / teasing and not yet but if we continue then definitely he can come over. He then said he was confused. Then he randomly dropped into conversation ‘remember you want kids’ and I said ‘yes?’ And he replied ‘I don’t want kids.’ I said ‘ah ok thanks for letting me know.’

What on Earth happened?

OP posts:
MarmaladeFatkins · 20/11/2022 22:51

nothing happened, I think? he sounds like a dickhead?

ThanksAntsThants · 20/11/2022 22:55

He’s got you confused already, you’d be a fool to think it’ll get better.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 20/11/2022 22:55

you told him you wanted kids and he felt like you wanted his sperm for a kid.. i think you put him off. it's ok of course, but i'd feel similar in his position if i was a bloke and someone told me they wanted kids by x date in the first couple of meetings. not that they wanted kids, but the potential urgency of it.
That would be my best guess at what happened. may be wrong .. .jsut a thought

Veryconfused12 · 20/11/2022 23:01

No what I’m confused by is we had this chat about kids on Friday night and all was fine.

tonight we exchanged flirty msgs and when I told him I wasn’t being serious about him coming over for sec tonight, he just randomly dropped into conversation that he didn’t want kids - it was sudden, random and deliberate

thats it 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
sausage767 · 20/11/2022 23:04

He was leading you on about the kids thing, telling you what you wanted to hear so he could sleep with you. Then when you backed off he told you what he really thought. That’s my take, bullet dodged.

MarmaladeFatkins · 20/11/2022 23:09

probably what @sausage767 most likely. or he met someone else. or something else. I wouldn't waste energy trying to work it out. for what purpose?

minticecreamisjustok · 20/11/2022 23:11

He doesn't like you having your own suggestions about having him over when you previously turned him down. He didn't like your joke so he's lashing out by going against what you are looking for. All a bit immature really, just block and keep looking.

Veryconfused12 · 20/11/2022 23:14

sausage767 he was only a few dates away from sex if that’s what he really wanted 🤷‍♀️ it’s like he was upset I was joking about him coming over tonight but he already said he couldn’t as he was already in bed for an early start. I am so confused.

OP posts:
Veryconfused12 · 20/11/2022 23:14

minticecreamisjustok that’s what I thought, how weird ? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 23:24

I don’t understand why you’d invite somebody over and use a flirty emoji if you didn’t actually mean it. What’s the point? Why mess around with weird games? Perhaps he was making a point.

That aside, you’ve just luckily learned early in that you aren’t compatible. Little time wasted, easy to move on.

Readaboutyourself · 20/11/2022 23:25

For some people on apps there’s a very good reason they’re single.

See that red flag flapping whenever they say they’re ‘intense’ & run the other way. It’s code for controlling.

EmmiJay · 20/11/2022 23:25

Mind games and ✨️tantrums✨️ already😬 It won't get any better. Leave him where he is I think.

PenguinLove1 · 20/11/2022 23:27

Ill play devils advocate-

From his perspective, he tried flirting last week suggesting netflix and a drink and you shot him down and said you weren't up for sex so quickly
Few days later you do something similar to him in a message and he reacts- he is probably a bit frustrated at your double standards as its ok for you to joke about and not him

Tbh it sounds like you are giving mixed messages - on one hand you are giving very clear short timescales for kids etc, on the other hand you wont let him flirt suggestively but can do it yourself a week later - i think id give him the benefit of the doubt and be clearer on your communication- if sex is off the cards for a while, don't suggest otherwise as a form of flirting and get annoyed if its taken the wrong way

Greennetting · 20/11/2022 23:28

Avoid anyone who describes themselves as intense

It normally translates into self involved and emotionally draining

BatshitBanshee · 20/11/2022 23:37

The subtext for "intense" is always controlling and abusive. If I had to guess, he didn't like that it was initiated by you because then he didn't have the "control". Weirdo. Block and move on.

AnnoyedHumph · 20/11/2022 23:40

Red flag

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