This is a long one; but I’d really appreciate your thoughts….
I met my husband 10 years ago. I was 37 and single, no kids. He was 44 and had been married twice before- once was to his teenage sweetheart in their early 20s & they grew apart after a couple of years and from the 2nd marriage he had 2 kids. They were together throughout his 30s and early 40s and divorced after she had an affair. He had had a mental breakdown where he tried to take his own life, but had been treated and was well when we met.
At the beginning he was amazing. He swept me off my feet! We’d go on weekends away; posh dinners; we’d have so much fun. After 2 years he proposed and we had the most amazing wedding. A few months later I became pregnant with our DS. It was a traumatic few months- awful emergency C-section birth, followed by the deaths of my grandmother and father in quick succession. He supported me so, so much at first. He really was my rock. Then we moved into a doer upper and he moved jobs and it all started….
He became increasingly withdrawn. I couldn’t get him to do anything around the house. We were having some renovations done and he was rude to the builders to the point where they refused to come back and I had to sort it out. He missed our DS 1st birthday day out because he had work to do. He lay on the bed one day crying and at that point I made him go to the GP. He got some help, NHS counselling that lasted 6 weeks, but it’s not been enough.
The work around the house is piling up. He has become very frugal, saying he can’t afford to do things- he earns almost £100k so we’re not on the breadline but he’s so consumed about the cost of living crisis; he acts as though we don’t have any money- he won’t let us put the heating on, our tumble drier has broken but he won’t buy another one. Yet he spends £500 on a new power tool! He refuses to look at a loan/ remortgaging to get the work done on the house that we need; and with everything as it is at the moment that’s not going to change. So we have a half finished house that’s too small for us. I pay for almost everything- we have a joint account for bills which we contribute half each to; but it doesn’t cover it all, and I’ve racked up £40k credit card debt keeping everything running- after school & holiday clubs and birthday & Xmas Presents and uniform - and also I have to admit, on shit because I am so, so unhappy. He never compliments me anymore. I couldn’t tell you the last time we had sex. Certainly not in the past couple of years. He has put on loads of weight and has lost the joy of life. EVERYTHING makes him angry- he’s just shouted and pulled everything out of the Tupperware cupboard because one fell out and now it’s all over the floor and it’s my fault for not stacking it properly.
He regularly makes remarks about the housekeeping but I also have a F/T job. I organise the cleaner, food delivery, window cleaner etc. He occasionally does stuff such as laundry and announces it!! It wouldn’t occur to him to do the shopping but he complains when the fridge is emptying, so then gets a delivery for what he wants. Which is usually booze. He drinks most nights and constantly snacks.
But sometimes he does nice things too- I mentioned something I liked and he text me to say he’d bought it for me.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Every night he sits on his phone playing scrabble, or doing more of his never ending work, or watching You Tube videos. I feel invisible and unloved. Do I leave him and break up the family or keep trying??
I’m sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading x