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Original poster

Getting over someone.

6 replies

Liamb123 · 20/11/2022 15:39

So I’m finding it very difficult to get over somebody and I feel totally embarrassed as I’ve literally only known this person like 3months.
So I met this girl online we spoke for a month then we finally decided to meet and when we did wow it was great instant connection was as if we’d known each other a life time. Things progressed we started video chatting every night and it was so nice we met up a further 3 times and again each time was great. Now I started getting very very attached and I fell in love with her very quickly and she wasn’t quite on the same page she liked me of course she did but she wanted to chill out a bit take things slow but I didn’t listen I still went at 100mph and started getting very overprotective and jealous and to put things short I totally f**ked everything up I just fell too hard it was crazy I’ve never been this way.

She told me I’ve upset her too much and she has a thing in her head where If someone really puts her off and upsets her she will never be able to be the same with that person again.

So yeah we’ve cut things off and I’m absolutely distraught I feel exactly the same pain as I did with my ex of 4yrs which is strange as I knew her 3 months! I’m literally heartbroken and can’t cope. Why am I like this when I’ve known her 3 months and how long will this last as it took me a good 18months to get over my ex who I was with for 4yrs so I’m hoping surely this time it will only take a few months to get over her as I can’t cope with this.

OP posts:
WheresMyDodo · 20/11/2022 15:44

Only time can help you get over someone. If you’re really struggling you might need to see your GP. They can refer you for therapy.

Having said that I think you could benefit from working on yourself, particularly your jealousy and possessiveness but also work on becoming a confident and secure person in your own right before you put yourself out there again and date anyone else.

You are investing too much in other people and are too dependent on them for your own happiness and this won’t lead to any stable relationship.

Watchkeys · 20/11/2022 15:55

What happens when you 'can't cope'? What does that actually mean?

BuryingAcorns · 20/11/2022 15:56

The questions you ask are good ones. Spend time answering them. You threw yourself into the relationship too quickly and allowed some ugly emotions to surface that ruined things. Why were you not relaxed? Why couldn;t you respect her suggestion to take things slowly? Are you scared of being alone? Did you create a perfect version of her in your mind and not really see the real person with demands and needs iof her own? You need to ask yourself (and answer the questions) why you were so needy, why you became controlled by ugly emotions that put her off, and why you are so upset when in truth you barely know her.

It could be helpful (was very helpful to me) to read the chapter in the book called The Road Less Travelled about the difference between being in love and loving someone. It's probably quite a dated, old-fashioned book now, but it does help you see why being 'in love' is so addictive but also not sustainable or real. Once you realise that, you can relax a lot more and allow things to grow at a gradual pace.

Also, you really do need to address issues around jealousy and control before you have another relationship. I'd look for some counselling on this.

Original poster
Liamb123 · 20/11/2022 16:14

WheresMyDodo · 20/11/2022 15:44

Only time can help you get over someone. If you’re really struggling you might need to see your GP. They can refer you for therapy.

Having said that I think you could benefit from working on yourself, particularly your jealousy and possessiveness but also work on becoming a confident and secure person in your own right before you put yourself out there again and date anyone else.

You are investing too much in other people and are too dependent on them for your own happiness and this won’t lead to any stable relationship.

Yes I agree with you. I have been researching and I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style as I have literally every single symptom of this and it literally is me and is caused from childhood. But yes I have a lot of work to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liamb123 · 20/11/2022 16:18

BuryingAcorns · 20/11/2022 15:56

The questions you ask are good ones. Spend time answering them. You threw yourself into the relationship too quickly and allowed some ugly emotions to surface that ruined things. Why were you not relaxed? Why couldn;t you respect her suggestion to take things slowly? Are you scared of being alone? Did you create a perfect version of her in your mind and not really see the real person with demands and needs iof her own? You need to ask yourself (and answer the questions) why you were so needy, why you became controlled by ugly emotions that put her off, and why you are so upset when in truth you barely know her.

It could be helpful (was very helpful to me) to read the chapter in the book called The Road Less Travelled about the difference between being in love and loving someone. It's probably quite a dated, old-fashioned book now, but it does help you see why being 'in love' is so addictive but also not sustainable or real. Once you realise that, you can relax a lot more and allow things to grow at a gradual pace.

Also, you really do need to address issues around jealousy and control before you have another relationship. I'd look for some counselling on this.

Yes great response! I totally agree and to answer a few of your questions. I honestly don’t know why it’s effected me so much when I’ve only known her 3 months and I suppose I didn’t grant her wishes of taking it slow because I liked her so much and just wanted to be with her and didn’t want her to go elsewhere I suppose it comes down to insecurity and like I said I have a anxious preoccupied attachment style which I need to address

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/11/2022 16:39

I didn’t grant her wishes of taking it slow because I liked her so much and just wanted to be with her and didn’t want her to go elsewhere

So you wanted her so much you felt it was ok to disregard what she wanted. It sounds like you do have an anxious attachment style, but this is much.

What sort of relationship did your parents have when you were growing up? Did they respect each other, and listen to each other? Did you feel heard yourself when you were young? Did they make you feel cared for when you were upset, or did you feel unheard?

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