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Original poster

Colleague trying to set me up with her son

29 replies

Otessa · 20/11/2022 14:48

A colleague is trying to set me up with her son and I'm not interested whatsoever.

I (mid 30s) came out of a long term relationship earlier in the year and now live alone. Since my break up, my colleague (female in her 50s) kept asking me round to dinner. I don't want to go because I'm a total introvert and also see her more as a colleague than someone I want to socialize with as we don't have a huge amount in common, but I eventually run out of excuses and end up going out of politeness.

While I'm round at hers, I chat a bit with her son who's around my age and lives with her. Just polite small talk.

A few days later at work, she takes me aside and asks if it would be ok to pass on my number to her son, and that she was going to suggest to him that he takes me out to the cinema. I felt so awkward! I'm not into him at all. I mumbled something about not being ready for a relationship and left.

Later in the evening she text me saying she wasn't trying to set me up, but that me and him are in similar positions, hurting from a previous relationship, and it could be good for us to hang out.

How do I tell her I'm not interested without offending her? I'm kind of annoyed that I've been put in this position but I suppose her heart is in the right place. I have to work closely with her several days a week so I don't want things to feel awkward, but I really do want to be left to my own devices, it's made me feel like a charity case a bit.

Btw, this colleague is rather sensitive and takes offense easily.

OP posts:
upfucked · 20/11/2022 14:49

Let her you don’t want a date the son of a colleague as it may get awkward

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 20/11/2022 14:50

Can you say something about professional boundaries or similar?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/11/2022 14:52

'Thanks, but I'm fine on my and not looking for another relationship.' (Especially not with a man who's mummy sets up his dates for him). Do the bit i brackets silently.

Miss03852 · 20/11/2022 14:52

I’d just say you aren’t ready for a relationship and want to stay single.

DuchessDandelion · 20/11/2022 14:52

You really appreciate her thoughtfulness, but you're just not in that place at the moment and taking some much needed time for yourself. But you hope her son is doing alright and had he heard of meetup as it might really suit him right now if what he needs is company?

Natty13 · 20/11/2022 14:52

She probably wants him out the house and realised her best chance is foisting him on to a different woman.

Seriously though, I'd tell her very clearly that I am really needing my own space right now and dont have time or headspace to be buolding new relationships (friendships or otherwise). Invent a few hobbies if that makes you feel better- you can't spend time with her son because you have rock painting class 5x/week.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 20/11/2022 14:52

Your best bet would to just say he's not your type and you're not interested.

Any other excuse will just give her a chance to say "but..." and give you a reason why your excuse isn't good enough.

I used to get people trying to set me up all the time at work and its just awkward and annoying so you have my sympathy.

RedWingBoots · 20/11/2022 14:54

Either meet up with him and agree you don't like each other in that way - my elder siblings did that with introductions made by parents, family friends, colleagues etc - or tell her it would be difficult dating a son of a colleague.

Btw one of my friends is married to a BIL of one of her former colleagues. However they met by chance thousands of miles away. Due to the type of people they are it isn't an issue at family meet ups.

Rosie22xx · 20/11/2022 14:54

Just say to her thank you for thinking about me and I really appreciate your help but I am not looking to give my number out or make any new friends at the moment. I have my friends and family to support me and plenty of people to talk to when I want to. But again thank you. And thank her again for the meal it was very kind.

If she takes offense to that, she's got personal issues or selfish for her son and not actually bothered for your needs. She should respect any answer you give as long as its not rude, which I don't think this is.

Good luck!

cleanfreak12345 · 20/11/2022 17:45

You need to be clear with her and keep it brief and simple

I'm not looking for a relationship right now, thank you

If she mentions it again just repeat it

IhateMattHancock · 20/11/2022 17:48

Natty13 · 20/11/2022 14:52

She probably wants him out the house and realised her best chance is foisting him on to a different woman.

Seriously though, I'd tell her very clearly that I am really needing my own space right now and dont have time or headspace to be buolding new relationships (friendships or otherwise). Invent a few hobbies if that makes you feel better- you can't spend time with her son because you have rock painting class 5x/week.

😂

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2022 17:51

Btw, this colleague is rather sensitive and takes offense easily.

That's her problem, not yours. She is being really inappropriate.

I would stop going around to hers, and if she ever mentions going out with her son again, shut that down immediately. You're not interested, and it's never going to happen.

serenaisaknobhead · 20/11/2022 17:52

"I hope I don't offend you but I'm not interested. Thanks."

IhateMattHancock · 20/11/2022 17:54

Thanks but I'd rather eat my own gall bladder.

Original poster
Otessa · 20/11/2022 18:08

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2022 17:51

Btw, this colleague is rather sensitive and takes offense easily.

That's her problem, not yours. She is being really inappropriate.

I would stop going around to hers, and if she ever mentions going out with her son again, shut that down immediately. You're not interested, and it's never going to happen.

You're right.
My problem is how do I stop her asking me round to dinners etc all the time without upsetting her and creating an atmosphere at work. I think she can't fathom the idea that someone might be comfortable spending time alone as she is the total opposite - she has a large family that all live with her or just down the road. Her house is constantly full of people. I have genuinely considered coming up with a fictional boyfriend so I have a consistent excuse to get out of these invitations 😅

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 20/11/2022 18:10

Btw, this colleague is rather sensitive and takes offense easily.

Is that how you ended up feeling corralled into accepting her dinner invitations?
Because you seriously did not want to go, did you?
Since my break up, my colleague (female in her 50s) kept asking me round to dinner. I don't want to go because I'm a total introvert and also see her more as a colleague than someone I want to socialize with as we don't have a huge amount in common, but I eventually run out of excuses and end up going out of politeness.

I suspect her son is the least of your problems.
Telling her "NO" is a simple matter of just asserting that you are not looking to date right now. If she raises it again, repeat that - & also tell her that you are not going to change your mind so can she stop mentioning it please.

However - as she operates from a manipulative position (takes offence easily, assumes her 'sensitivity' trumps everyone else's 'sensitivity') I doubt she'll take your politely expressed "no thanks" lying down. Expect pushback, & interrogation, & hints, sighs, imprecations to just go on one date & see ... etc etc
At which point you will be free to tell her that she's making you feel uncomfortable & you no longer wish to socialise outside of work.
You'll have to pepper that with inane courtesies about how you'll continue to enjoy working with her, respect her as a colleague blah blah ... because I can see her becoming quite possessive & demanding of you.

This forced 'friendship' is end-able, once you get to the point where the suffocating obligation feels worse than the temporary pain/embarrassment of having a conversation like the imaginary one above ...

Original poster
Otessa · 20/11/2022 18:15

cleanfreak12345 · 20/11/2022 17:45

You need to be clear with her and keep it brief and simple

I'm not looking for a relationship right now, thank you

If she mentions it again just repeat it

But when I said this, she backtracked and denied she was trying to set us up. Though a single man taking a single woman to the cinema is clearly a date?? She said me and him had been through similar and it would help us both to talk.
The whole thing makes me feel
1)pretty uncomfortable
2)pissed off because it's added unneeded stress in a job which is already stressful
3)like because I'm currently single and choosing to live alone, I'm someone to be pitied, which I resent

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 20/11/2022 18:15

DuchessDandelion · 20/11/2022 14:52

You really appreciate her thoughtfulness, but you're just not in that place at the moment and taking some much needed time for yourself. But you hope her son is doing alright and had he heard of meetup as it might really suit him right now if what he needs is company?

Something like this, then invent a new bf in a couple of months.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/11/2022 18:17

… and if she’s going on about you being friends, then make the above ‘time to yourself and catching up with old friends..’. And maybe mention lots you’ve been up to if she asks.

Don’t worry to much, she will probably give up once rebuffed a few times.

WarmBeerAndSandwiches · 20/11/2022 18:25

With people like this, the fewer 'ins' you give them the better. You need to be polite but blunt. I would just say you like to keep work separate from home and don't want relationships that cross that barrier. Say it's nothing personal, just a rule you have as you've seen the fall-out when things like this go wrong. If she keeps trying to persuade you say: 'No, I'm sure your son's very nice but I've made my mind up about this and I won't be changing it.' Repeat it like a broken record and don't be bullied into changing your mind, it's very inappropriate of her to have done this in the first place.

billy1966 · 20/11/2022 18:29

She sounds awful and a complete PITA.

She is hugely inappropriate sticking her nose into your private life.

Good advice to tell her no and keep repeating it.

I think if she continues to push you will need to tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate and making you feel uncomfortable in you work place.
That you would like to keep your private life separate from your workplace.

If she really doesn't accept this I suppose you should consider HR.
She sounds a bit off.

You really wouldn't want her as a MIL.🙄

IhateMattHancock · 20/11/2022 18:34

In work situations, keep your private life private.

gamerchick · 20/11/2022 18:37

Her heart is definitely in the place of getting rid of him OP. Tell her no and not to ask again

Ofcourseshecan · 20/11/2022 18:40

DuchessDandelion · 20/11/2022 14:52

You really appreciate her thoughtfulness, but you're just not in that place at the moment and taking some much needed time for yourself. But you hope her son is doing alright and had he heard of meetup as it might really suit him right now if what he needs is company?

Yes, that’s a kind but definite way round it. AlsoLet her you don’t want a date the son of a colleague as it may get awkward

Natty13 · 20/11/2022 18:44

I actually remembered something a friend of mine did. She doesn't like sharing details of her private life at work but it's social currency to make conversation with colleagues so every time she was going on a date she'd say she was "going for drinks with my friend Natty" "going to cinema with my friend Natty this weekend" etc. She was always going in to the office after spending the night "at mine". Once she took me to a work event and the amount of people who said "oh Natty we have heard all about you/you sure spend a lot of time together, that's when she told me what she'd been doing!

Why don't you try that? Doesn't need to be a real friend you use as an excuse but you could always make one up.