I would be so, so grateful for your help, advice and thoughts.
I have been in a relationship with a man for the last nine months and yesterday I broke up with him and blocked him and I have woken up this morning and I am full of regret and wondering why I did it, why I reacted like that.
I said that the more I asked him to communicate, the less he communicated. I had brought this up a little earlier in the relationship too. I would ask him direct questions and he wasn't able to express his feelings about anything (his divorce for example - he'd just be silent.) We'd talked about this quite a lot, he assured me he was working on it and he wanted to be better. Recently we'd had a three day run of odd interactions and him not doing what he said he would: We saw each other on Wednesday night and he was distant and uncommunicative. I went round to his house (on his request) and he fell asleep. I left him asleep. He texted me the next morning, apologised and said he had been overwhelmingly tired. We agreed that he would call me later and he didn't. He texted me again the next morning and we spoke during the day. I brought up that I had wanted to speak to him the night before, like he had said he would and he apologised again, then had an issue with one of his DC and had to get off the phone (promising he'd call me back later) and he didn't again. At that moment I felt like he was rejecting me or that something had changed I had no control over and so I took the action the morning after and sent the break up text.
I have never broken up with anyone before, so when relationships have ended I've been there at the bitter end and known that there was nothing else I could do and then been able to get on with my life. Yesterday all I felt was panic that I was going to lose him through signs I thought I saw and felt, that I sabotaged it before he could. Then as he was responding to me (I could see him typing) I blocked him on everything - text, phone, whatsapp. I did not want to face the rejection of him agreeing with me, or saying he was feeling the connection less. I physically felt so sick I couldn't bear his agreement, so I blocked him. I felt temporary relief.
In the text I had explained that I felt I couldn't cope with the communication uncertainty after my own divorce and other issues in my life (my DDad has just died and my Dmum has dementia.) I framed it as my own problem, that I was just a bit of an emotional basket case right now, so I thought it best to leave it until I sorted myself out. I left the door open to get back together by saying it was me and my issues. It would have been clear to him why I was saying what I said.
I woke up this morning with my period. As I get older I have made a lot of mistakes and emotional errors of judgement on the days leading up to my period. I have terrible PMT , mood-swings, and have been known to start arguments and fights for no reason (at work, with men and women etc) in the days leading up to my period. I remembered that tomorrow he had booked and paid for us to go away together for two days to Paris and that I had not even mentioned that, not even thought about it. I thought back over the relationship where he had been mostly very thoughtful and consistent apart from the last three days. I feel like I've made a massive mistake, but then I also don't feel like I even have the tools to tell whether I have or haven't.
I have unblocked him but obviously I cannot see what he typed and replied to my text. I cannot go back now and tell him I made a terrible mistake, can I? If I were him I would be fucking fed up or think I was completely crazy. It was so final. If I had wanted to be with me before this and I had not known there was a problem, I definitely wouldn't want to be with me now.
What can I do? I have been trying to think up reasons to contact him today and to explain why I did that. I announced in the stupid text I needed "at least a few months." What is wrong with me? I don't know what he replied or what he said. He could have offered to call and talk it through and promised to double down on communication. Or he could have agreed that I was right he had been distant, he was not feeling the connection as strongly. Either way I'll never know.
What shall I do?