does your dh always want to solve things for you?

[duvetdeb]

dh grew up in a house where he always took responsibility for fixing things. i am trying to get him to understand sometimes i just want him to listen. he looks genuniely puzzled but is doing his best. do you have a way to explain to your dh you justt want him to listen?

This is just how men are. They don’t find just talking about things therapeutic, they like to problem solve then move on and don’t see the point in just raking over things. mines the same.

Yes always and like you, sometimes I’d just like him to listen. I’ve explained that, but he finds it hard to just hear what I’m saying.

Yes. But that’s men!

I just want to vent. I don’t want solutions

I think it is more of a common trait in men than women generally. If you want to chat without an actual concrete solution manifesting itself and being acted upon,call a friend

I had to explain this to DH early in our relationship, he does get it now.

Yes! It can be quite maddening! But I know it's because he loves me and that's one of the ways he shows it.....

This happens from time to time in our house. I’ve learned to talk to friends when I just want to rant and vent, dh attempting to fix things is often well meaning but infuriating when I just want to talk about something!

No not in our house.

God yes! It's very annoying!

This doesn't annoy me at all. I might like a moan sometimes, but ultimately I want solutions. I'm generally pretty adept at finding them and fixing the problem myself, but appreciate DH's input when I've hit a dead end. I find it weird people only want to talk it over and not fix whatever it is TBH! I'm also probably very like OP's DH, and assume if someone is talking about an issue they are looking for a brainstorming session

Since becoming a listening volunteer for the Samaritans, dh has got so much better at just letting me complain.

I write in a diary though because I don't want him to think I do nothing but complain!

I don't think it's just a male thing. I am a woman and a natural "problem solver". DP is much more emotional, whereas I am more rational.

It's taken quite a few years for us both to realise that when I'm upset about something, I'm looking for help to find a solution, and when he is upset he literally just wants someone to give him a hug and say "there there".

This is also DH & I.

A lot of men are 'knights on white horses', they feel good solving a problem. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes this princess just wants to vent. I don't need to hear, 'what you want to do is...' I just want a validating, 'Mmm sounds grim, have a cup of tea.'

I'm glad you said that.

I've spent years listening to my sister vent about the same issues. Over and over. If she'd just chosen one of the possible solutions in the first place there would have been no reason for all this angst.

It's illogical. And such a waste of time. 😀

But I love my dsis. I put my ear pods in and do the ironing while she gets it out of her system.

I don’t think it’s a gender thing.

I (a woman) and my mom are fixers.
My dad would happilly whine and complain until the end of times.

I don’t think it’s a ‘man’ thing, I think it’s a ‘people’ thing.
I had to stop my DH moaning to me about stuff because I’d give him solutions but he wouldn’t do anything about it, then he’d continue us to moan and I’d get stressed. So I told him that I don’t want to know.
‘My dad is the same, he tries to solve peoples problems and gets stressed on their behalf.

A few years ago I was talking to a friend who was attending marriage counselling with her husband. She told me that one of the best things they had taken from it was to ask each other if they were ‘looking for comfort or advice’, before they started these kind of discussions. They both knew what was needed/wanted from the other, and she felt like it had helped avoid lots of arguments.

Watch When a Man Loves a Woman with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia with DH. It's the premise of the whole film.

Same here, plus you can see from body language, tone of voice etc what response someone needs, be it a listen, hug etc.

Yep then he gets annoyed with me if I don't accept his solution 🤷‍♀️

thanks everyone. your perspectives helped.

fwiw to add some perspective to the fixers on here, in this situation, the problem is something i'm dealing with and am capable of doing so. in that sense i don't need his help to fix it because i can do it. i just wanted to talk about the stress in th emeantime. it's something that will take a month or two to finish. i guess i'll stop talking to him about it in the meantime 😀