Once a cheat, always a cheat?

[dandelionsandaisies]

My boyfriend and I met in September 2020. We knew of each other for years as we grew up in the same town, but we’d never spoken until one day he messaged me via social media. He was flirting with me and paying me lots of attention via messages and I lapped this up after coming out of a very abusive relationship. My self esteem was rock bottom. I knew that he’d previously been in a long term relationship and after a lot of messaging etc I asked when he and his girlfriend had broken up. He told me they hadn’t and so I took a big step back.

Unfortunately however I fell back into the cycle of messaging him and we met up a few times. I’m not proud of this but I always fall for this bullshit and I ended up being the OW. He still shared a dog with her and was going back and forth to walk this dog despite them breaking up. I accepted this until one day curiousity got the better of me and I contacted his ex, who told me that they were still seeing one another. I was heartbroken. This didn’t last long and he came back to me soon afterwards. What a mess.

I’ve been with him for 2 years now and I still struggle to get past the way we began things. It’s like I can’t fully let him in because I know what he’s capable of and I know how he disposed of me so quickly. Throughout our relationship he’s been very insecure and expects that I’ll get some sort of revenge and cheat. So he asks questions about any male interactions I have, and asks me to tell him whenever a man has remotely made a flirty comment or made some sort of pass.

He absolutely adores me and would do anything for me. I’m his number one priority (now) but the feelings aren’t mutual. I have a career and a dd to think about. I love him but I don’t think I can feel the same way he feels about me. I hate that I was involved in the break up of their relationship but now I’m doubting whether this can work. What do I do?

This time dating should be a fun, exciting, happy time. You sound uncertain and unhappy. If it's not good now, it's not going to get magically better.

Pay attention to your feelings; act accordingly.

My dad was a cheat and stayed that way. I doubt he's behaving for his current wife (30 years on).

Any doubts, means something isn't right. You can make necessary changes and it's not too late to move on and usher in new positive experiences.

If he was capable of cheating once, he's capable of doing it again. Doesn't mean he'll cheat, but you will always know deep down in your heart that he can't be trusted 100%.

Thing is, it's both of you.

Interesting that you can't see that.

He cheated, but you're the woman who chose to cheat with him. You're the woman who chose to sleep with him and put another woman's sexual, physical, mental and emotional health at risk. Ergo you are a risk, I'm not saying you are, just that you can see where his thinking goes.

It's no surprise you can't trust one another.

And fwiw I think his reaction since (quizzing you) shows he has learnt nothing so yep he's unlikely to be a safe partner.

Yes, once a cheat, always a cheat.

If they are capable of it once, they are more than capable again, no matter what they say.

What you do now is recognise and acknowledge that this relationship isn't one in which you feel, secure, and leave. And next, you make sure you don't stay in any relationships that make you feel you're struggling.

That's it. That's boundaries. All you have to do is go where you feel loved in the way you want to feel loved. And if nobody can do it for you, then it's fine, because you're coming from a basis of loving yourself.

I'd bet my house he thinks nothing of the sort. Cheating men don't think in terms of someone putting a woman's physical emotional, sexual and emotional health at risk. That thinking is almost exclusive to women who hate cheating. He's certainly not going to judge his own AP for cheating with him. If she'd been in a relationship herself and cheated on another man, maybe. But as far as his thinking goes, OPs done no wrong.
What he's actually doing is judging her by his own standards. He cheats so thinks everyone else does.
He's also no doubt clocked she's not as into him anymore now she has him full time, and has other priorities, and its making him insecure.

Potatoes/po-tar-toes.

I've known plenty of cheating men who don't/couldn't trust their affair partner once the dust has settled, because 'if they can cheat with you, they can cheat on you'.

But they do comment that they could trust their former betrayed partner. So they clearly don't think like that about all women!

You let him cheat with you so why wouldn't be think he can cheat on you?

That expression doesn't mean that though. It's said to an AP who ends up 'winning' the cheat from their primary partner to warn her or him that theyre likely to be treated the same way.
Ive never heard it in the way you're using it, as most people don't consider a single AP to be cheating. They only have one partner, so they're not cheating on anyone.

I make it a rule not to get into debates on threads, especially when they're clearly days old and the OP hasn't returned. I think you'll find I'm not alone in calling the couple involved in cheating 'a as cheating couple' and seeing them both as such. It's common across all infidelity related boards, books, research etc. it's also well known for the cheating couple to struggle with trust issues after. Google is your friend.