Finding my mil overbearing

[7upandup]

Been with dh for fourteen years. Mil was always quite absent in dh life through his teen years and adulthood. The whole time I've been with him we would see mil once every few months. I have a dd from a previous relationship that she's never been overly fussed about...nice enough but no real effort.
We had a baby six months ago. I can't get rid of her now and it's starting to do my head in.
For instance she will randomly text me and tell me she's coming up after her work.
She also comes over once during the week and wants to spend time with me and the baby one to one. And then she texted today to ask what plans we have...we had a few things on but she still wanted to squeeze in. We ran out of time to do
All the things we wanted to hurry back for her coming. She keeps wanting to take the baby for a day but I don't feel ready, plus dd is not a good sleeper and rarely sleeps when in the company of anyone that isn't me or her dad...probably because their technique is different, stimulation and curiosity...which means she's crabby and a nightmare for me after.
I don't want a pally pally relationship with her. I hate the random pop up texts through the day, I find it so intrusive!
I wish she would just visit with dh here for a little bit once a week and just wait to be invited other times!
She brought her new boyfriend to meet the baby too which I wasn't too happy about.

Dh says she just wants to spend time with us and get to know me better but I'm not after new friends or want to spend my day with her and I'm a massive introvert, I like my own space to do my own thing and spur of the moment drop ins fuel my anxiety.
I feel so smothered and trapped with it all.

Tell him to tell her! You don’t have to spend time with her if you don’t want to,

Start saying no when she texts.

“Sorry, we’ve got a lot on today and not sure when we’ll be back!”

”That doesn’t work for us, I’ll let you know when we’re free for a visit”.

Stick to the once a week if that suits you.

Your phone needs a malfunction.. My ils never had my mobile number.. Your dh can invite her round when he is home.

No is a complete sentence here.

Raise your boundaries here re his mother a lot higher than they are currently.

Given how she has been with her son ie a rubbish parent I would keep her well away from your child going forward. She has little to no boundaries. She’s contacting you anyway as she sees you as the weak link here and perhaps even sees you as somewhat easier to manipulate. You feel smothered because you are indeed being smothered. For his part your DHs inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as you and he has fear, obligation and guilt in spades.

Mute her texts. Lock your front door. No to taking the baby for the day – never understood why people want to do this, babies are hard work when they’re your own, let alone other people’s! Just keep repeating “No” to that one, then upgrade to puzzled looks and “But I already said ‘no’, why do you keep asking?” or just a full banshee scream – up to you.

Your DH does need to play gatekeeper here too, though: it shouldn’t have to be on you to barricade her out. He needs to get her to back off.

She sounds perfectly normal to me. She wants to form a good relationship with you and is taking the steps to do that. Why don’t you like her?

Normal?. Some peoples idea of normal is way off. Did you read the part about his mother being quite absent in his life throughout his teen years and childhood?. And why should OP have to put up with his mother bringing her new boyfriend to see the child?. Is this normal to you?

She’s had 14 years to form a good relationship but wasn’t bothered until her dgc was born.

She brought her new boyfriend to meet the baby too which I wasn't too happy about
she wants to be able to feel like it's her baby so that she can pretend she is still young & fertile, just start randomly ignoring her, stop being a soft touch, you can do it.
I'd have loved an interfering mother in law, I'd have (metaphorically) wiped the floor with them, sadly none of them tried it on with me....

You have a husband problem.

Stop being polite.

Stop accepting her pushing into your lifè now that it suits her.

Mute her number and sort your husband out.

She will never be taking your child anywhere.

You need to stop feeling like you owe this woman your time at the drop of a hat.

Decide on how much time you are prepared to give.

Tell your husband.

Do not see her on your own.

Keep saying No and do not answer your door or phone.

This is happening because you are allowing it to.

Stop accepting it.

Because it’s really rude to turn up uninvited.
I really wouldn’t do it if you are already.

Just adding my voice to this. You don't have to do anything. You can decide who to see, when to see them and how long you see them for. You don't need a reason/excuse. It's your choice. Don't let someone else decide for you. Let your husband know that he either deals with his mum and puts up very reasonable boundaries by the sounds of it or you will. Everything can be done politely and with a friendly tone. If she is a nice/normal human being with your interests at heart there will be an issue.

The won't be an issue if she's nice and normal I meant😆

My own mother was not maternal or affectionate with me, yet once I had a baby she was desperate and felt entitled to see it regularly and acted like the granny of the century.

a big mistake here IMO was cutting short things and rushing back, if you began the day by truthfully stating ‘we’re already doing a lot today’, that would be end of message

I’d say that texting back once every few days with a vague ‘been super busy, hope you’re having a nice week, see you X day’ is fine? That should reduce the messages overwhelm and is more than reasonable

Dh says she just wants to spend time with us

How much of his time off work does he spend with his mum? I think he needs to be doing the weekly visits. I haven’t seen my MIL much without DH being there.

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