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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I am completely lost in my relationship right now

16 replies

Team1991 · 19/11/2022 11:19

I am very new to this and was just hoping so some womens advice. I was married for 8 years and in that relationship 13 years. That marriage ended due to infidelity and other issues. Sad thing is we were both very simular and had a lot in common and I was very happy. We had a child together and my ex partner no longer sees our son due to having a new girlfriend and having no interest.

I started a new relationship very fast. He is a very good man, that has a child the same age. We have been together 2 and a half years. I feel like I was catfished into this relationship. He isn't the person I feel in love with at all. He is constantly putting me down and making my efforts seem irrelevant. He makes me out to be a rubbish "stepmum" to his son regardless of my efforts or good intentions. Anything I want in life gets met with his disapproval and answer of no. I just look at my feet and agree with what he wants. He is a massive hypocrite and just turns every argument around onto me. He puts everyone else before me and never priorities a promise he has made to me, or my son for that matter. He threatens to leave if I'm emotional or question him. He is constantly on his phone unless it's because he wants something from me. He does nothing in the house. And when I question him about it or ask for help he complains and makes me feel guilty or conveniently forgets the task in hand.

I just crave the relationship I once had. Somebody appreciating my quirks, saying yes to my wants of putting the Christmas tree up early because it makes me smile, choosing me over other people. Being loved unconditionally. I just know if we stay together I will never experience real love again.

The problem I have is my son in so invested in this man. He is an amazing father. And provides so well for the kids. I don't want to take my sons father figure again. I don't want to be a single parent again. Surely the family life we have is worth the sacrifice of being loved?

OP posts:

Iwantachange · 19/11/2022 11:29

You are letting your son think that the way ur partner treats you is an acceptable way to treat someone. You are giving him the role model that he is going to base his future relationships on. Is this how you want him to treat others when older?

Flippettyflip · 19/11/2022 11:29

I'm sorry you've been suckered into this crap relationship.

Reread your post. He's not an amazing father to your son. For a start, you say "He puts everyone else before me and never priorities a promise he has made to me, or my son for that matter.".

Worse, he is setting an example to your son of how to treat women and what family life should look like. Do you want your son to grow up like this man? And for yourself to endure years of being belittled and undervalued? If not, you need to either take him up on his generous offer to leave, or you leave.

You and your son deserve better.

What's your housing situation? What practical steps can you take to save yourselves from this unpleasant man?

SunshineBoy · 19/11/2022 11:36

These are things you need to give to yourself.

appreciate your quirks and those things that make you happy. You shouldn’t rely on getting these things from someone else. It’s nice to have them validated from someone special but you need to give them to yourself first.

Bollocks2that · 19/11/2022 11:41

I will be blunt. You need to be selfish. Put your own happiness first because when you are happy your son will be too.
Forget about everything else. Focus on you and your son. A short time of disruption and change is better than a long stint of being stuck with an arsehole who makes you feel like shit.

I'm sorry you've had these bad experiences but there's nothing to say you can't meet a good person in the future. Look after yourself.

Original poster

Team1991 · 19/11/2022 11:58

Thank you all for your responses. It's very appreciated. The sad thing is he can be the sweetest man if he is in the mood to be but even when he is I am just waiting for the penny to drop and for it to go south again. He is impeccable in front of the children. He teaches them good morals, life skills, how to be respectful. He just can't always practise what he preaches. We both have our own homes. He lives with me and his is currently rented. It would be pretty straight forward to split. I just keep hoping he goes back to our foundations but it never seems the case 😪. I thought I would be in a different place at my age

OP posts:

Dippydonky · 19/11/2022 12:04

I honestly think you know what you need to do…….. but it’s hard, and that’s making you doubt your gut.

firstmummy2019 · 19/11/2022 12:12

This is who he is. The person you knew in the beginning was an illusion.

He is fine with the children because they are young and plsy along withvwhat he wants. Do you still think this will be the same dynamic when your son turns into a teenager? Your partner sounds like a narcissist. As soon as your son starts chatting back to him, then he will become a victim of his emotional abuse too.

You need to protect your son. End the relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2022 12:15

You need to end this abusive relationship before it further destroys you and in turn your son. What is he learning about relationships from you both?. This is not the role model to show him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up. The Freedom Programme is something you also may want to look at here.

Better to be on your own too than to be badly accompanied.

ExtraOnions · 19/11/2022 12:19

He’s not a “amazing father” if he’s treating you like this … he’s an abusive misogynist

GreyCarpet · 19/11/2022 12:55

He is a very good man

and

I feel like I was catfished into this relationship. He isn't the person I feel in love with at all. He is constantly putting me down and making my efforts seem irrelevant. He makes me out to be a rubbish "stepmum" to his son regardless of my efforts or good intentions. Anything I want in life gets met with his disapproval and answer of no. I just look at my feet and agree with what he wants. He is a massive hypocrite and just turns every argument around onto me. He puts everyone else before me and never priorities a promise he has made to me, or my son for that matter. He threatens to leave if I'm emotional or question him. He is constantly on his phone unless it's because he wants something from me. He does nothing in the house. And when I question him about it or ask for help he complains and makes me feel guilty or conveniently forgets the task in hand.

Are complete contradictions. The him you see now is the real one.

Renrute · 03/12/2022 15:50

You deserve to be appreciated.

PollyAmour · 03/12/2022 16:00

End the relationship and do it now, before Christmas. Send him away. Put up your Christmas tree and have a lovely family Christmas, just you and your boy. This man is a loser. He pretended to be someone he wasn't in order to snare you, and you fell into his trap. He is not a nice man.

Pinkbonbon · 03/12/2022 16:46

You need to get your child away from this man. Its your job to protect kids from growing up thinking horrible behavior towards others is àcceptable.

You are in an abusive relationship and I'm sorry but the person person the beginning was just a disguise he wore to bring you in.

It's called lovebombing, that initial whirlwind. And its a common abuser tactic.

Get away. Get your kids away. Take some time single and reading up on how to spot abusers before dating again.

Watchkeys · 03/12/2022 16:54

Surely the family life we have is worth the sacrifice of being loved

You're being a martyr. The family life you have makes you unhappy, and your kids will know that, regardless of how perfect daddy is with them. They will sense the undercurrent, and that's what you will raise them to believe is the feeling of an adult relationship: nice on the surface, undercurrent of waiting for unpleasantness.

Is that really what you want them to believe, as they grow up? Is that what you want them recreating when they start having relationships? Because they will, if it's the example you give them.

frozendaisy · 03/12/2022 17:21

I would suggest that he moves back to his house when he can break the tenancy.

As a first step say that living together is not working for you.

He will probably blow up, because you are his house slave who looks at her feet rather than express anything. He will threaten to leave straight away, next time he does say yes please go.

Tell your son as much of the truth as you feel you can. He might think your partner is great but he loves you more.

Renrute · 03/12/2022 22:08

Yes🙂

Flip