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Relationships

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Original poster

He used to do BDSM

24 replies

Zoftspins · 19/11/2022 10:22

When my partner was 41 he started dating a 28 year old woman. They were together for 4 years and engaged. She got him into BDSM as he had not done this before. She told him if he really loved her he would do BDSM. He went along with it but said he didn't enjoy it. He was the dominant. She was quite abusive to him in the relationship with constant put downs, shouting and ended up cheating on him. After they split he was so low he contemplated taking his own life and had his notes ready but a friend realised what was going on and saved him. After he went to counselling and rebuilt his life.

Recently we were joking around and he pulled me in for a kiss, after he said he still had the dominant side left in him. He later said jokingly what did I think when he said about him having dominance in him. I got really upset and said I'm worried he will want to find someone more adventurous. He was horrified and said he loves me and does not want anyone else. He asked how long had I felt like this. He said we when we go on our adventures he finds that adventurous. He said he does not want to do BDSM as it ruined him. He said he no longer has any of the equipment.

Is it possible he can avoid revisiting BDSM altogether? It seems unhealthy his ex told him if he loved her would do it. I'm not criticising anyone who does this, it's just not for me. I just don't want him to possibly relapse when he has the opportunity to leave me now. He has not asked me to do anything like this or attempted it.

OP posts:

Raveon2000 · 19/11/2022 10:32

Sounds like hes not interested in bdsm, if he was he would be hinting about trying stuff by now? From what you have said, I don't think you should be worrying,he was honest about a part of his past but he loves what he has with you

Snugglemonkey · 19/11/2022 10:36

There are some people who have fetishes so strongly that sexual partners are less individuals and more supporting characters to the fetish. Not v many though and if this was your partner, you would know, as he wouldn't really enjoy vanilla sex and he would be pushing for the addition if kink.

Many people do thing in specific relationships, because if the dynamic of that relationship. I have been with men, been with women, had vanilla relationships, had kinky ones, open ones, monogamous ones. I have tried lots of things. They have all been different, but the quality of my relationships has not been dependent on any sex act. I have had boring kinky ones and exciting vanilla ones.

Don't get caught up in thinking about his past. If he is present with you now, if he is invested in your relationship, then he is choosing you. He is tailoring the relationship to you. He knows what he is choosing.

itsallmuch2much · 19/11/2022 10:53

Well, you only have his side of the story. I'd be turned off by the fact he was 41 and she was 28. How long ago was this out of curiosity?
I would believe that he can park BDSM off to the side with a different partner but I don't know whether this will be enough or if he genuinely didn't enjoy it and won't miss it. I think he is likely to try it on with you before moving off though. I guess you just have to take him for his word. It's a bit unusual that you got really upset about a joke. It's all so intense.

Peoniesandcream · 19/11/2022 10:55

"Relapse"? It's not heroin 🤣. If you're not into it don't do it. I struggle to believe he did it for 4 years without enjoying it though

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 19/11/2022 10:56

This man is throwing so many red flags around that I lost count.

Are you really sure you want to be with this man?
He doesn’t sound right at all!

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 19/11/2022 10:58

How long you two have been together?
How old is he now? How old are you?
Do you have background woth abusive men?

SleepyTimeTea · 19/11/2022 11:03

Somehow I'm unconvinced that this poor man was forced to be dominant for four years to a 28 year old.

It doesn't make sense. If she was forcing him to do it the roles would have actually been reversed and what would be the point for her?

He didn't need to tell you how he had sex with his partner for four years and he didn't need to joke about still being dominant. He's trying to get you into it without telling you he is in to it.

How old are you out of curiosity?

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 19/11/2022 11:03

Why has he even told you all this? I’d be upset that he’s comparing your relationship to his past one and bringing it up when he’s kissing you.

medicatedgift · 19/11/2022 11:12

He wasn't the dominant.

Onnabugeisha · 19/11/2022 11:15

Just say no, not happening. And if it’s a deal breaker for him, it’s a deal breaker.

Hawkins001 · 19/11/2022 11:15

All the best op,

Original poster

Zoftspins · 19/11/2022 11:26

medicatedgift · 19/11/2022 11:12

He wasn't the dominant.

I agree, he was the submissive as she told him what to do so she was the dominant one.

OP posts:

actualnamechange · 19/11/2022 11:28

He is a good manipulator getting you to buy all this bullshit.

medicatedgift · 19/11/2022 11:45

He wasn't necessarily the submissive either.

yellowsmileyface · 19/11/2022 15:37

I think you're asking the wrong questions OP.

I'm always dubious of men who claim to have been abused by their ex girlfriends. I'm not saying it never happens but especially with how much older he was than her it seems quite unbelievable. Him telling you he almost killed himself over it feels like manipulation to me.

I also wonder why he would be bringing up his "dominant side" if he supposedly didn't like it and was forced into it?

How long have you been together and how soon into the relationship did he dump all this on you?

ButterflyLeg · 19/11/2022 15:46

He's testing the waters with you.

You sound terribly insecure.

OldFan · 19/11/2022 16:43

How long have you been seeing each other?

In my experience it can sometimes take a while to stop thinking in a BDSM way once you've been into it for a while, but it does pass.

If you've been together for some time, maybe he was just having a moment.

If he was into it enough to definitely want it from a partner, he'd probably have looked for someone on the fetish scene.

You've told him you're not into the idea, so that should be the end of that topic now.

tsmainsqueeze · 19/11/2022 16:54

Snugglemonkey · 19/11/2022 10:36

I think this is a great explanation .
Most people at sometime will talk to a new partner about their previous experiences, it doesn't have to be a red flag .

category12 · 19/11/2022 17:02

If he is telling the truth about him only indulging in it to please his ex, then I wouldn't worry - it should be in the past.

It's whether you believe him.

It's a bit weird that he said that if he's no longer into it.

josuk · 19/11/2022 17:03

Your post is a little confusing - was he submissive or a dominant in his previous relationship?
In a way - it’s easier to imagine a usually vanilla guy trying out a dominant role with a partner - as by nature of male/female sex males do usually take a leading (slightly dominant) role anyway. It’s harder for me to imagine a vanilla guy easily going along with a submissive role, and maintaining that for 5 years.

Regardless - it’s not something he can relapse into. It’s not an illness or an addiction.

By the sound of it - he isn’t missing his ‘more adventurous’ past. No need to bring it up, really. It’s not somehow superior to the sex you are having.

Relationships are more than the kind of sec you have.

Snugglemonkey · 19/11/2022 20:45

josuk · 19/11/2022 17:03

Regardless - it’s not something he can relapse into. It’s not an illness or an addiction.

He certainly was not dominant if she was running the show.

Zanatdy · 19/11/2022 20:50

I was thinking it didn’t sound like he was the dominant. Sounds like he’s happy with your sex life. I’m sure BDSM can be exciting for some, I don’t mind elements of it but I wouldn’t want to be physically hurt, so not for me. I wouldn’t overly worry about this unless you see any signs he’s not happy

OldFan · 19/11/2022 20:56

I don’t mind elements of it but I wouldn’t want to be physically hurt, so not for me

@Zanatdy You don't have to do everything under the 'list' of BDSM activities. A lot of people don't fancy pain, they just like a bit of dominance/submission. That's not uncommon at all.

But I have my own opinions on it nowadays and gave it all up.

NattyNatashia · 04/02/2023 11:40

There may be some confusion about Sub/Dom reading some of the comments. She may have been the dominant person in the realtionship in 'real life' but wanted to be submissive when playing, this is very common. You often come across people who have power in their work life wanting to be submissive. 'Subspace' is a very powerful escape. Also BDSM is often misunderstood and covers a huge scope of activities many of which are not for me but some I really enjoy. It can be very subtle and doesn't have to involve any equipment at all, I enjoy words very much.

All that said it sounds like he's trying to say something and doesn't now how. I always encourage people o be open and honest about their kinks and desires. It may not be for you and that's fine and you need to be honest about that too. However you might find with aa good conversations and perhaps some negotiation you might find something you both enjoy. I would say don't make assumptions about what it is or what he wants and be open minded.

I hope it all goes well.

Flip