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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling down after speaking to mum

16 replies

H34th · 19/11/2022 09:57

My mum lives a flight away. She video-calls every day. She's hard of hearing so conversations can be very hard.

Anyway, she's just called. Asked about my dc. I've told her dc is upstairs as not happy with his breakfast. I said it v matter-of-factly. Next thing I know she's judging my dc, saying dc is v fussy and he's growing up to be a grump. And why I haven't given him these other things (a long list of alternatives) for breakfast.

Then she asks about my online shop and whether I am getting orders. I say I have one at the moment. She says you're not going to get orders anymore because of rise of cost of living, etc., why would people spend their money on my handmade products when they can buy much cheaper factory made alternatives, etc. When I had a lot of orders she'd say things like why do you do this to yourself, your messing up your eyes, stop wasting time on that already.

My sisters (older than me) are v similar to mum.

My dc can be v challenging and they don't know the half of it.

My shop is really suffering at the moment and I have sleepless nights thinking how to adapt/ move forward or give up altogether.

I cannot share my problems with my family because there's zero empathy and validating. Just criticism whatever I say and do. Always making me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

Just felt ranting a bit. Hope that's ok on here.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 19/11/2022 10:01

'I cannot share my problems with my family because there's zero empathy and validating. Just criticism whatever I say and do. Always making me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.'

I have a very similar experience with my family. It really hurts - you want to be able to share and open up and be heard and supported. Its taken me years but I've learned to accept that I just can't do that with them. I manage it by limiting contact with them and not sharing very much information, and never anything that I'm sensitive about

I'm sorry OP, it's shit, but they are not going to change. It's about trying to minimise the hurt for yourself

RandomMess · 19/11/2022 10:05

I'm so sorry, I coped by going very low contact.

Flowers
Redberries85 · 19/11/2022 10:10

I’ve started to snap back at my mum and say ‘Stop judging me’ or ‘that’s not very helpful’. I think she’s been so shocked that I’ve snapped back as I’m usually quite calm. It has made her think a bit more before she comes out with her cutting comments. I’m also much more ready for them and will just put her back in her place now. It might not work with your relationship but I was getting so upset with it and I thought only I can change my response

ButEmilylovedhim · 19/11/2022 10:14

What stood out for me is that she video calls you every day! That’s an awful lot when all she does is criticise and question. Is there anyway you could cut that down? Even every other day would be a massive improvement. I bet it’s easier to say than do though. Is the video calling so she can lip read a bit too? I have to speak to my mum every day and text a lot due to circumstances and though she is very sweet and well meaning I do play candy crush or similar to have my brain is elsewhere. I feel for you. It’s the exact opposite of helpful, what she says to you.

H34th · 19/11/2022 10:56

Lottapianos · 19/11/2022 10:01

'I cannot share my problems with my family because there's zero empathy and validating. Just criticism whatever I say and do. Always making me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.'

I have a very similar experience with my family. It really hurts - you want to be able to share and open up and be heard and supported. Its taken me years but I've learned to accept that I just can't do that with them. I manage it by limiting contact with them and not sharing very much information, and never anything that I'm sensitive about

I'm sorry OP, it's shit, but they are not going to change. It's about trying to minimise the hurt for yourself

It's so sad, isn't it.

OP posts:
H34th · 19/11/2022 10:58

RandomMess · 19/11/2022 10:05

I'm so sorry, I coped by going very low contact.

Flowers

Thank you and sorry it was hard for you too.

OP posts:
MorningBrew · 19/11/2022 11:09

Redberries85 · 19/11/2022 10:10

I’ve started to snap back at my mum and say ‘Stop judging me’ or ‘that’s not very helpful’. I think she’s been so shocked that I’ve snapped back as I’m usually quite calm. It has made her think a bit more before she comes out with her cutting comments. I’m also much more ready for them and will just put her back in her place now. It might not work with your relationship but I was getting so upset with it and I thought only I can change my response

I tried that when I was younger. She never saw my pov, underminig me, saying I'm overly sensitive, etc.
She's a very different person to me and I am just enduring our long-distance relationship, at this stage. She's had a lot of health issues throughout her life too.

Good for you though. Definitely the right thing to do.

H34th · 19/11/2022 11:14

ButEmilylovedhim · 19/11/2022 10:14

What stood out for me is that she video calls you every day! That’s an awful lot when all she does is criticise and question. Is there anyway you could cut that down? Even every other day would be a massive improvement. I bet it’s easier to say than do though. Is the video calling so she can lip read a bit too? I have to speak to my mum every day and text a lot due to circumstances and though she is very sweet and well meaning I do play candy crush or similar to have my brain is elsewhere. I feel for you. It’s the exact opposite of helpful, what she says to you.

Every day is a lot and the fact it is a video call rather than just a call feels so intrusive.

She's had a lot of health issues throughout her life, recently turned 70 and with the pandemic etc I think she really needs the assurance of frequent contact. Especially as I am so far away.
I try and keep the conversations short and luckily her internet connection is often quite poor!

OP posts:
ButEmilylovedhim · 19/11/2022 12:20

I’m glad you can manage to keep the calls short! Yay for poor internet! I can absolutely see that video calls are much more intrusive. My mum needs constant contact and reassurance too plus she’s very anxious about how I am, if I’m safe etc. I find it quite stifling really. But she’s on her own and just has a lot of time to brood and worry. Just how it is really. I don’t tell her stuff now if it’ll worry her or she won’t quite understand. It’s a tough age for them definitely and it affects us too. I’m taking notes of what annoys me now in the hope I’ll remember not to do it to my children but maybe it’s inevitable and I will anyway!

I hope all the situations with your dc and your shop improve. We are very much the sandwich generation now!

Caroparo52 · 27/06/2023 14:47

Avoid energy suckers. Unfortunately your relatives sound like that. They leave you feeling worse than before you started talking to them.
Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. Difficult with relatives to cut them off completely but you have to protect yourself first.

Suggest cutting contact down significantly to say twice a week. Don't let the conversation drift onto topics where your dm goes on and on.
Cut it off with change of subject. You're an adult now. She can't boss you about or dictate any more. Be a bit blunt
" sorry mother love to catch up.... short on time so let's talk about you... we're all fine here" etc.
Don't give her any evidence to get moaning on.

Good luck

thecatsmeows · 27/06/2023 16:42

'I cannot share my problems with my family because there's zero empathy and validating. Just criticism whatever I say and do. Always making me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.'

I've had this all my life with my mother - I'm now nearly 55, the only daughter, and my mother is 81 and also lives on the other side of the world...I relocated to get away from her. Being around her was so bad for my mental health that I had a nervous breakdown when I was 23 and tried to kill myself.

I'm now very low contact, speak to her on average once a month or so, not actually seen her face to face in 13 years. It's incredibly sad, and I sometimes get very angry and upset when I see friends/partner having 'normal' relationships with their parents (I've been total no contact with my father for 34 years).

For the sake of your mental health I think you really need to cut down quite drastically the level of contact you have...even those with 'normal' parents don't usually speak to them every single day.

Mary46 · 27/06/2023 16:46

Keep conversations short. Agree op quite draining. My mother is negative sometimes I zone out lol. She 80. I learnt dont tell her too much you just get comments

H34th · 27/06/2023 19:26

@Mary46
@thecatsmeows @Caroparo52

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 28/06/2023 11:54

Yes its tiring listening to it. Op I think they self centred at that age mine is the same

Laserbird16 · 28/06/2023 12:01

I'd try to look for empathy and support in others. I'm sure you know your mother and your sisters can't provide what you need but that doesn't stop it being any less hurtful.

I suppose hurray you are far away. Can you take back some control with the calls? Call her at a time convenient to you, then slowly drop the frequency?

My best tactic with my mother is to ask about her. She's easily distracted by talking about herself and it takes the pressure off me!

GiveOverRover · 28/06/2023 12:09

I cannot share my problems with my family because there's zero empathy and validating. Just criticism whatever I say and do. Always making me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

Do you ever feel like not picking up the daily call? What would happen?

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