Abusive husband is being perfectly nice and it's throwing me off.

[Toomuchwine89]

He was awful last weekend (no physical violence) to me, but worse to the children.

I rang Women's Akd

Oops, didn't mean to post.

I rang Women's Aid on Monday morning and they were great. I've logged the emotional abuse with my GP, got a Women's Aid outreach worker, explained to the council and applied for Universal Credit in my name.

But he's been perfectly reasonable all week, apart from throwing some clothes at my child and the odd comment to me. I feel like a fraud.

You're still in an abusive relationship just in a different phase of the abuse cycle, if they were terrible all the time we wouldn't stay, instead it comes in phases.

This is how they work @Toomuchwine89 , mine is the same and I understand completely the fraud feeling. I found it helped to write all the awful stuff down so I can read back through it when I’m wondering if I imagined it all, or when I’m at risk of getting sucked back in. Take care of yourself xx

I was shown around the refuge and agreed to be put on the waiting list for a space that should be coming up in a couple of weeks. But a different worker rang me up to do the risk assessment and she was nice enough but seemed to really minimise what were going through and said I wouldn't be able to have the refuge place if someone else needed it more. She'll give me a decision on Tuesday apparently.

But then I had the original worker saying that if I stayed with him and tried to make it work, she'd have to involve social services. I don't know what to do tbh.

He's still being abusive. No level of abuse is acceptable. Throwing things at your child? Nope. I'd be long gone.

Thank you.

This is certainly not my first abusive relationship sadly so I understand the cycle... It's just with the lady on the phone minimising things a bit and the fact that he doesn't hit me or anything, I feel like a fake.

I'd be inclined to think that he knows what you're planning (I presume that as you're hoping for a refuge place you haven't told him you're leaving). And that means you're probably at one of the most dangerous stages. He isn't cured, he just doesn't want to lose his emotional punchbags.
Others with more experience and practical advice will hopefully be along, but I would be very careful from now on.

He throws clothes at your children.
How long before this is a shoe, a book, anything else that’s hard ?
He won’t use his fists as that’s obviously deliberate, he’ll pass off things he’s thrown at a child’s head as “ I was aiming for the floor/sofa/bed”
Your children should not be experiencing any of this. The WA worker was correct— choose him over your children’s well being and SS will become involved.
Get out ASAP. His”nice” phase won’t last.

Him being nice of course is all about the manipulation as the previous posters have said. To stop you going. If you stay it happens again. Dont be put off by the people trying to minimise it (perhaps they are thinking of their workload). You must push forward and get out. Its not ok for anything to be thrown at a child…. things only get worse. You must protect your children.

I'm almost certain he knows something is up. He said to me the other night "I hope you never leave me". Plus I've just sort of shut down now i.e. Not giving him reactions and not getting upset when he's awful. And he's been acting so much better!! But no I definitely haven't told him what I've planned - which makes me feel SO guilty. He'll be really angry and upset when he finds out, especially as I'll be "taking his children" (I have six, but only the younger two are his. He's fine with them, but can be quite cruel to the older ones).

Yeah you're right there, he doesn't really use violence but he shouts. I mean ok, we all shout sometimes. But he can just flip in a split second, and scream and shout in the kids' faces, swearing and calling them names.

I'm definitely not going to choose him, but my confidence was shattered yesterday. The second lady from Women's Aid just didn't seem that bothered compared to the first. And I'm scared. Because I need them. I need a refuge space potentially, I need legal aid, I need to be able to talk to them.

Okay I didn't think of the workload thing. Apparently our area has higher than average DV 🙄 so you could be right tbf. Thank you.

Maybe I've exaggerated the clothes thing. Basically he had sorted clean laundry into piles and he told my 9 year old to take her pile up, while holding it out. She didn't move immediately, but was walking towards him really slowly, just being a bit silly. He threw them and they hit her in the face and she cried. It's all on camera - I've got a couple set up to keep an eye on our puppy.

6 kids, more than one abusive relationship - please when you do get support to leave make sure it's for the last time this time. And get some proper counselling / freedom program to not end up in this position again. Men are predators of some women and the next one is only round the corner

Please put your children first. This is not OK.

What else can I do?

They've said about the Freedom Project, but I do have my toddler on that day. All of my relationships have been abusive, including with my parents.

He was awful last weekend. But worse to your children.

He threw clothes at your child ( clothes this time )

He is fine with the younger ones but awful to the older ones.

There is nothing about protecting your children that anybody should be able to minimise. Wether she was having a bad day, or had an opinion, or possibly just put the phone down from something horrific, don't let her tone distract you from your duty as a mother and UK law, which has a very clear view on failure to protect. He is already causing trauma.

You need to also sort the puppy. If he can't be trusted with children he can't be trusted with one that can't talk. Try cinnamon trust for foster. You may get housed quite quickly, it's the smaller places that are thin on the ground, and women fleeing DV get top priority. Just be prepared to go anywhere.

Good luck OP, your doing amazing. You CAN break this cycle, show your kids what needs to be done. You sound like a strong woman. Take your life back now. You have taken steps that other women sometimes can't and they are the right ones. Don't hesitate to reach out if you want a chat. 🙂

Thank you. She really knocked my confidence but I'll keep going.

He's jealous of the puppy too of course but I think there is a lovely rescue lady here and she's willing to help.

I've got to stay local 😢 I've got two kids at secondary school and plus my husband would go MAD if I "took his kids". Saying that though I don't think he'll be having unsupervised contact! Or does it not matter if he was nice to his own?