So sad for my children

[SycamoreSeed]

Long story very short, my two DC (12 & 14) don’t see their narc dad as he has demonstrated time and again that he can’t be consistent or protect them from harm. He has their phone numbers but doesn’t really bother to get in touch with them.

last month, his sister got in touch to discuss giving contact one last go as he was now living with her once again while she helped him sort his life out yet again. On the first visit, he did something that put them in danger and I said it won’t be happening again unless in a contact centre.

Before this contact, my children were added to their family WhatsApp which included XH, his sister and her family, his younger brother and his family, whose eldest son is in year 7 with my youngest at the same school. She has really struggled with this dynamic, knowing he is her cousin and not knowing him at all. She hasn’t seen the uncle or his wife since she was a baby and has never met her two cousins. The group was fairly quiet and my youngest didn’t post much and my eldest not at all.

This week, my youngest was given a homework task where she has to ask people a question. She posted it in the family WhatsApp but had changed her WhatsApp name to another name. The uncles wife (UW) then asked who it was and she replied immediately with her name. UW then started questioning her on why she was using a different name before posting a patronising passage about what a name is etc. and she was generally being quite rude and argumentative. My eldest then posted sticking up for my youngest. The cousin then got involved and blocked them both from the group.

I’m so upset and angry with UW for behaving in this way when she is fully aware of the issues with their dad. Yet again, my children are being rejected by his side of the family. I’m also concerned this could lead to issues between the cousins at school.

I did consider messaging her but I thought it could possibly make things worse. I never liked her when I was part of their family as she’s very competitive and mean, the type who pretends to be your friend so she can get close enough to say horrible things underhandedly. I suspect her clear dislike for my children is connected to her dislike of me even though I last saw her a decade ago and they are children vs. her 40 years. I shouldn’t be surprised that she couldn’t extend even a shred of kindness to two children who have been traumatised by their dad’s abuse or attempt to help them feel part of the family. Even so, my protective instincts have kicked in and I want to tell her what a horrible thing it was to do to children put in a group of people they barely know. So instead I’m venting here. My heart breaks for my children, they deserve so much more than the shitty hand they’ve been dealt and these shitty, petty people 😔

If it was me I’d cut them all off. Ask your children to be polite towards the cousin in school, treat him as they would any other student, but no need to go further than that.
If their father can’t be bothered organising contact with his own children he’s not much of a father.
It’s the old saying “ you can pick your friends but not your family”. If they’ve upset your dc then there’s no need to contact any of them again.

We have narcs in our family and the best way to communicate with them is not to communicate.They cause damage in ways that a normal person can’t begin to imagine.
I’d remove DCs from the WhatsApp group if the ‘grown ups’ can’t behave and ignore any questions. If they become unbearable remove yourself.
Have your kids got social media accounts yet? My narc SIL befriended my 13 year old DS and got up to a whole load of shenanigans on there- fortunately I had access to the account so could observe exactly what her modus operandi was.

OP - your last sentence sums up how I feel about DH family. If it’s any consolation my DCs are early twenties now and aren’t bothered by it - they see ‘family’ rarely and know them mainly through the lens of social media, which doesn’t cover them in glory…. instead they’ve got many good friends.

@Fleurdaisy, thank you, that’s the conclusion I’m coming to. My eldest isn’t bothered about seeing him or his family but she’s very black and white about things. My youngest is much more forgiving and has fewer memories as she was so young when I left. I think she’s starting to realise who they really are though.

So very true @Fluffygoon. They were actually kicked out of the group following the exchange which I realise is for the best. Still, that protective part of me is seething that they would do this them. Im glad to hear your DC aren’t affected by it now.