@SpicedPumpkin Im sorry it’s been a little while - leaving itself took up a lot of energy and the last few days I’ve really slumped. I think the Adrenalin has left. I felt very “up” and first and now I feel utterly exhausted and quite low, but thinking about my lost babies mainly. He took it really well. I wonder if he feels on some level I had the strength to call time on something that didn’t work for both of us. But I also think it might be another cycle — behave well in this scenario, expect things because of it. Whatever it is, I’m best on my own.
So, Spiced, I wanted to say — I am 35 and someone who, with or without a partner, has fertility issues and of course I’ve mentioned multiple baby losses at all stages. Losing a baby is still parenting. You see which of you carries the grief, who does the work to memory make and gather, who visits the baby’s “spot”, who talks about them. You see who is not there. It’s very clear, as soon as you have a child, lost or not, that it’s a larger burden to take care of an adult and a child, rather than a child. And in reading that book - Why Does He Do That? I realised those precious babies I have held did not deserve to grow up around abuse and absorb the same attitudes I did at home. As a parent, you have to make hard choices about what is right for a child to live through and having said goodbye to very poorly children to save them from suffering, I wouldn’t want them or any others to be born just to be on the receiving end of the kind of behaviour my ex exhibited at times (remembering at times he was loving and sweet). You and I have been through trauma - so we know it’s important not to do trauma to others. And that’s not to mention the fact that children in homes with EA from the dad end up bonding with him more and having more disagreements with the mother.
My feeling is that - while egg quality does decline with age (and can be ameliorated with certain vitamins - read It Starts With The Egg) - a specific fertility problem is generally there with you for the long haul. It’s going to be hard for me to have kids with or without my EXDP - AND I know I don’t want to knowingly put my kids in the position of having an EA dad, so it wasn’t a factor in my decision. I am so intent on kids. I love mine so much. My lost little ones. I’m looking into forging ahead with IVF as a solo mum. But even with 4 years of infertility and loss behind me, at 35 I know I do still have time to meet a partner. It’s just not the choice I’m making because I’ve been trying since 31 and am so desperate to have kids and not interested in dating. So I would just encourage you to know that we are young ish, five years is a lovely time, any fertility issues will be treated by nhs, and a round of IUI by yourself isn’t that expensive. The cheapest offer I think is London Womens Clinic. Three goes for 2k plus donor sperm.
Im sad to say too but I could have said all those things about my EXDP but now I have some distance I’m sure they were all bc of EA and not an ASD. I think the difference is: if he is really neuro diverse and it’s hard for you, he would go and get diagnosed. And if he isn’t, he won’t, because his agreeing to these things being issues for him is part of his manipulation of you. He thinks - however subconsciously - “neuro diverse? Thanks for the excuse!”
As for my break up, the thing that is helping most is just to imagine the things I want in life that I could never have with him. My baby growing up in a calm household where I feel free to get up and do my own thing without comment. Really delicious sex.
And the feeling of not worrying about a relationship, not worrying how he feels, is so new and so great. It’s a whole other career I am not longer running after. Although my mind doesn’t want to use that energy for anything else rn, it just wants to sleep!
Thank you to everyone who hand held. Im so glad it’s done. I’m just so exhausted by it and I don’t want to feel this way ever again. I’m sad that it might mean the end to a dream of a partner, kids with them - but I am no longer young enough to risk not having children just to keep something alive that’s not real. The path now seems messier, but I’m excited that it’s something I chose rather than a path that everyone was walking down and so I fell into it, thinking this was the way things had to happen. Good luck to everyone leaving. I believe a thoughtful person who leaves never regrets it.