Sex

[BlueSlate]

OK. I hope the thread title is explicit enough that anyone who is offended by it hasn't opened it anyway.

I'm not asking anyone for gory details but I have nowhere else I can ask this. I tried posting on the Sex board once about something else but everyone on there is really confident and so it didn't really help much!

I don't have much experience with sex. I'm middle aged but for various reasons my 12 year marriage was mostly completely sexless and with a man who was a virgin when we met (mid 20s) and had some serious hangups about sex. When we did it, it was always missionary.

We split up just over 10 years ago and since then, I generally met men I had short flings with that ended for various reasons but the sex was always the same. Roll on, pump, roll off.

I've been with someone now for just over a year and we're both in it for the long term but sex always seems to be the same. One of us initiates, foreplay in which he focuses on me and then me on top.

I don't think either of us likes missionary. But I'd like to do something different. I know talking to him is the answer but I just wondered what positions other people end up in when having piv sex (not asking for details obvs!).

I just feel very nervous because I'm so inexperienced and I know he picks up on that and wouldn't do anything to make me uncomfortable. So it just doesn't seem to be moving anywhere else.

Thanks

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Google 'Cosmopolitan sex positions'

It'll give you loads of ideas - although some of them do look a bit outrageous 😅

Spooning is a nice, comfortable, intimate (and easy) one! I'd start with just asking what he likes though? Not in the middle of sex, just in a neutral conversation...I was in a stale marriage of 10 years and believed I wasn't interested in sex, had only slept with him...met my current partner and definitely felt inexperienced but I forced myself to ask questions and we both opened up...which led to quite an experimental sex life!x

if you ask him what he likes, he will be quite non committal,
Agree with PP that Spooning is nice, ( can involve a bit of manoeuvring),
if he likes you on top, try mixing that up, try it on a chair or sofa ( him sitting) or you facing the other way, just go for small changes.
enjoy 😊

I bought my partner a Sex position Snap card game for valentines day from Love Honey. Most of the positions in the pack aren't that outrageous - and you could always remove any you find intimidating or too adventurous for you.
Might take the awkwardness out of the conversation?

I'd say the average sex session would involve missionary (with various angles of the legs sometimes maybe, such as maybe the woman's legs/feet on the man's shoulders, but sometimes just basic missionary), doggy style, woman on top. I don't like the 'reverse cowgirl' position but some people like that.

People can try different stuff of whatever kind if they like of course.

Foreplay or sex is whatever the people involved like, or none at all can be passionate sometimes if the woman is in the mood, just 'ripping' each other's clothes off or keeping them on. I personally don't like receiving oral but that's just how it is for me, I just get a tickling sensation. But I know that for a lot of women it can be their favourite sexual activity. I mightn't even like giving oral next time. Don't do anything you don't like- if a bloke can't handle that, he can bugger off.

I'm lucky that PIV seems to hit the spot with me- I know it doesn't for a lot of women.

Doggy style is the best position for me and seems to somehow get at the right areas. Missionary my 2nd favourite. I don't like to do woman on top for long necessarily. But I know that some women find it best for them.

Some people like to go in different rooms, or al fresco in summer sometimes. Personally I prefer staying in one room as to me it makes it better to focus on what we're doing and hit the spot. But everyone likes different things.

Thanks for the responses. I did ask him a couple of times early on what he liked and his responses were a bit non committal! 'Everything you do' and not much else really. Maybe it was too soon and he was uncomfortable but now i feel like too much time has passed and I'm basically saying i'm not happy with it!

I don't think he is particularly comfortable talking about it seriously. He has made a few light hearted comments but I'm not sure whether these are true words spoken in jest or him actually joking. Because he does both at times.

These responses are helpful. Thank you

Relate (the relationship counseling people) have a book I think called The Relate Guide to Sex in Loving Relationships which you might find useful (I think you could buy a kindle version if you don't want a book with SEX in giant letters on the coffee table!). That might give you some ideas about communication as well as things to try.

It's really great that the two of you want to try new things and try not to worry about it feeling a bit awkward at first. Many of us late bloomers can go on to have great sexual relationships and it doesn't have to be wild and crazy to be fun and fulfilling! And you don't have to do every position or technique that's out there, everyone has their own likes and dislikes.

I think communication is the most important thing and the more the two of you can talk about it, the better. I know this can feel really awkward and uncomfortable, but you'll probably reassure him if you're up front about saying that you feel a bit awkward. Let him know that you value the relationship and like having sex with him and therefore want to be able to find out new ways to explore it. As long as you don't come across as criticising his performance thus far, hopefully he will open up as he feels more comfortable and the two of you will be able to discuss things more openly.

You need to get over the idea that talking about your sex life means you are not happy with it. I've been with my DW more than 30 years and we routinely talk about it - we might say something like "I really enjoyed it when you did x" or "I found y a bit uncomfortable the other day". If your DP cooked you a nice meal you would tell them they had got it right, so why not do the same when they give you a good shag?

Dp and I rewrote the karma sutra when we met. Now we prefer quite plain and simple sex. Don't write it off.

I have onli had two partners. The first one was boring in the bedroom and selfish. My second relationship was totally different. We talked about being affectionate,what we liked,I didn't have much clue tbh,and explored things together. Dialogue the best thing. Enjoy.

Even if you stick with regular missionary OP putting a pillow under your lower back will change various angles and can massively improve things xx

Missionary is my favourite, deep with snogg

snogging, and different leg positions etc.. some people think it's boring but I find it the most fun and one you can change ip.

For us, PIV generally involves one or two out of 3 positions, missionary, doggy, or her on top. Missionary can be changed up a bit by changing her leg position, am I kneeling or leant down kissing her. Sometimes if she's on top she'll face away from me. We used to do spooning but we've both put on a few pounds and it's not really satisfying any more. For PIV, anything more exotic seems too much like hard work.

Foreplay, you say he spends more time on you. Is that because that's what you both enjoy, or do you not initiate a hand/blowjob and he doesn't want to ask?

From your comment, I get the impression that you're not that confident about trying new things. If you're really not able to talk about your sex life with your partner, then you're going to have to start initiating or vocalising that you want new stuff with him yourself. Most men find a partner who's confident in bed very sexy (I'm Bi, so have experience on both sides here). So bring out a toy mid foreplay, or say to him "I want to sit on your face", or even just initiating sex on the sofa can lead to new positions.

A lot of men are fairly unimaginative when it comes to sex, we're pretty much guaranteed an orgasm at the end of it, and we're scared we'll be branded a perv by our partners if we suggest anything a bit out there. So you may need to fake it until you make it confidence wise, and start telling him what you want to do

There are many ways to improve your sex life during midlife. Here are some suggestions:

1. Communicate with your partner: Communication is key in any relationship, and it is especially important when it comes to sex. Talk openly and honestly with your partner about your desires, preferences, and any concerns you may have.
2. Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself can help you feel more confident and comfortable during sex. This can include things like exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet, and getting enough sleep.
3. Explore new things: Trying new things in the bedroom can help keep things interesting and exciting. This can include experimenting with different positions or sex toys, or even trying out a new fantasy.
4. Use lubrication: As we age, our bodies may produce less natural lubrication, which can make sex uncomfortable. Using a water-based lubricant can help reduce discomfort and increase pleasure.
5. Address any health issues: Certain health conditions, such as menopause or erectile dysfunction, can impact your sex life. Speak with your healthcare provider to identify any underlying issues and discuss potential treatment options.
6. Focus on intimacy: While sex is an important part of any relationship, it is not the only way to feel intimate with your partner. Focus on other forms of intimacy, such as cuddling or holding hands, to strengthen your bond outside of the bedroom.

Remember, everyone's sex life is different, and what works for one person may not work for another. The most important thing is to communicate with your partner and be open to trying new things. With some effort and creativity, you can maintain a satisfying sex life during midlife. Try this book https://amzn.to/3zQwlkn