If anyone has any words of wisdom I would be very grateful. I don’t understand why this hurts so much. I’ve been crying for four days now. Sorry if this is long.
I split from my husband almost 5 years ago, and one of the first things I did when I became single again was get in touch on FB with a guy I met when I was younger and had a brief fling with. We met 27 years ago when I was 19 and he was 20 - he was working where I went on holiday with my family, we had a brief romance, wrote to each other and met up a few times afterwards but it just fizzled out naturally. The first night we met we sat on the beach getting stoned, laughing and talking for hours then had the best sex, it was ridiculously perfect and romantic. As he lives so far away we kind of accepted it couldn’t go anywhere. I never forgot him but just thought of him fondly.
When I got back in touch with him nearly 5 years ago we got on just as well as we used to and began meeting up for a friends with benefits kind of situation. It wasn’t even so much about the sex, he lives about a 3 hour drive away and often drove just to spend one night, even if we didn’t have sex. He was divorced with a 10 year old but also very wounded by his marriage ending, as was I. We established early on that neither of us were likely to relocate any time so that kind of settled it. At first I was absolutely uninterested in anything deeper and it worked really well for ages. Every single time we met up it was so good and we made so many awesome memories. After about 18 months I began getting more attached and getting feelings and when I asked him he didn’t want anything more serious so I had to stop seeing him. I was heartbroken and cried for days, because it had been so good every time we saw each other, but then felt like I had got over it. I felt fond of him but didn’t think I still had feelings.
We didn’t speak for a while but then kept in touch through Covid via text and occasional phone until May last year when we met up again. He travelled to see me and stayed for one night and everything was great. We had a brilliant time and it seemed we could go back to it just being fun. We get on so well and do nothing but laugh when we are together. All was fine and we kept in touch and I’ve even told him about guys I’ve met.
Fast forward to about a month ago. I have been single and not connected or liked anyone I have met in the last five years and have been through a period of having a few casual flings recently. He had recently split from a tumultuous six month relationship so we chatted and arranged for him to come for the weekend just gone.
He came up and we had the most ridiculously magical, perfect weekend. We have done this so many times but something seemed different this time. He was so tender, we couldn’t have sex on the first night so he spent hours stroking and kissing me and we just couldn’t get enough of being close to each other. He asked me to dance in the kitchen and we just stood there holding each other for ages, there was so much intense energy. We listened to love songs and played the guitar to each other. This is another level from any of our time before. This carried on all weekend, we laughed until we cried and I realised how right he feels, nobody else has ever really made me feel like this, even my ex husband. As he was about to leave I couldn’t stop myself and I asked him if he wanted me and told him that I wanted him.
He was taken aback, we have never had a proper conversation really about ‘us’ and avoided the subject. He didn’t know what to say but said he wasn’t sure if he needed some time without stuff happening at the moment. I asked him if he felt the same connection and he said he did and that it was mutual and that he gets it when I said I was finding the vulnerability hard.
He left and I felt absolutely crushed. I can’t tell you how rejected and hurt and devastated and heartbroken I felt. I didn’t realise how strongly I felt and just how sad I felt, to feel so cherished and loved and then have it all snatched away. I thought I was happy being single, I love my life I have great friends and I haven’t really wanted a relationship in the traditional sense. I don’t want to live with somebody at this point at least. My life isn’t easy, I have three kids, two youngest live with me half the time and my son is autistic. My adult daughter has been seriously ill this year and it has been one of the hardest years of my entire life. I have messaged him since and he has said respects my position and likes me a lot and we have a connection but he was very surprised I said what I did and didn't expect to be thinking about this. He reiterated he wasn’t in the right place to commit to something for several reasons and said he loves my company and our time together and understands where I’m coming from.
We have arranged to talk on the phone soon, but I know I have to move on and let him go. I don’t even want anything to change really. I don’t want him to move to be with me, I’m happy to see him whenever we have the free time. But I can’t feel this strongly and keep seeing if it’s not going to mean anything. I just want him. What we have together has been one of the most special things and I know that he feels that too. Or it felt like he did. But I’m not stupid, I know he’s not exactly being emotionally available which has been my downfall in the past. I just feel so betrayed by my own feelings. I thought I had good instincts and it honestly felt like he was feeling it too. I don’t want to lose this, but I have to.
I have cried myself to sleep every night and felt so much grief since then. I don’t know how to deal with this and don’t know if this means I’m ready for a relationship or that I should never risk being vulnerable and feeling pain like this ever again. Any help or advice would be very much appreciated right now.