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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please (although I probably already know)

19 replies

Barry0957 · 17/11/2022 17:21

Hi all
This maybe a little long winded but I want to try and cover the situation
Ok. My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for 3 years most of the time it's been great although she is a very accomplished liar and I have caught her out on numerous occasions even when she knows 100% that I know she is lying she still continues.
I'll start back in 2018 we were on holiday and she received a Facebook message from an ex work colleague just asking how she was what she was doing etc,so rather than saying that she is all good and is currently on holiday with me, she proceeded to tell him everything in the singular,( I am on holiday,I have just brought a house,I have 2 cars etc) when in reality I brought the house and cars and holiday for us. Anyway part way through the week he changed tact and suggested that if he had her number they could talk properly,he gave her his number via messenger and she texted asking why he had given her his number,he now had her number and they continued to text for around 3 months,somedays she would send over 160 texts ,I picked up on this as she was never off her phone and was always on silent. The phone was in my name so could see the usage , when I asked her what was going on, she just dismissed it as 2 friends catching up. She never revealed the extent of the messaging until after we were married and I caught her in another lie. And she finally admitted that she had been sexting with him and she didn't know what she was thinking and the damage it could cause.
COVID arrived and we were both furloughed and started DIY around the house all was good. She got called back into work in June 2020 and we went to sleep early as she needed to be up at 4 am , the alarm goes and she gets up ,I try to get up but have difficulty getting off the bed when I do I have trouble walking, anyway she goes to work and the pain I'm suffering from is getting worse along with the mobility, doctor prescribed pain killers and an x-ray, although my wife took me to a and e the following day, turns out that I had osteoarthritis in both hips, not what I was expecting to hear. My wife continues to work and I try and manage the house as best I could. One day the lies reared up again she was getting ready for work and I was sorting out her lunch etc , gave me a kiss and cuddle and I could tell what lingerie she was wearing as it was just tumble dried, certainly not what you would wear to work on the site that she was working on. So I ask why she is wearing it and she flatly denies she is. She left work early and drove to the supermarket where she purchased new regular underwear, changed in the supermarket loo,then texted me to say she was leaving work and for me to get dinner cooking. After dinner and her 'proving' that she was in fact wearing regular underwear I had to go to the pharmacy for some medication and under the seat was the lingerie she had left home in . So the excuse was she was scared to admit it. So I said that if it was a genuine mistake why not just say so rather than being devious,so after that she suggested that she get counseling about her need to continue lying, whether she did or not I can't say.
A couple of months go by and she loses her job and finds another job which she starts and all is good,but she is all over some guys Facebook and he hers,I try and stay positive through the constant pain and mobility issues. I had to move in to the spare room because of the hip issue,after a couple of months she says there's a leaving do and I drop her off at the venue, although we arrived at the venue about 30 minutes before the do was starting she insisted that I should leave her and get back home,baring in mind I had only seen her for about 20 minutes would have been nice to chat with her until the others arrived. I went to bed at around 11 pm after watching the football and in the morning ask if she had a good evening, asked what time she got home and she said she was home by 10:45pm, when I said I never heard her come in her reaction was "are you calling me a liar" I replied by saying that I just said I never heard you come in (baring in mind that I would have still been up if she'd come in at that time) she said she would have popped in to see me but I was snoring so didn't. So anyway this guy is always in the background whenever she puts pictures on Facebook.She started getting very secretive and was ordering sex toys and lingerie but having them delivered to an Amazon locker rather than home, when I asked her about them she said that they were for us for when I was recovered. So I asked if that's the case why have them delivered to the locker rather than home her reply was that it was her priority address ( which was not true,I had taken parcels in from Amazon all week for her. So I go into hospital for hip replacement and out after 3 days her idea of supporting me is to go to a spa for the day.
First hip done and only suffering pain in other hip, have to wait 12 months for second operation, whilst waiting she wants the front bedroom decorating so I say I'll do it, but will take a while due to mobility,so I start , whilst moving stuff about I come across an empty box of nesproselone not sure if that's the name but they are period delay tablets,I know she's had them before for when we went on holiday, but these were dated 3 weeks prior to me finding the box. She didn't know where they came from,got her name on the box but she doesn't know about them. Once the bedroom is decorated she asks for the bathroom to be painted which I do, again whilst moving a cabinet outside there's another box of period delay tablets, empty and again with a recent date and her name on. I just left the box on the cabinet when I put it back in the bathroom,but she never said anything about it
A couple of weeks later she says she going food shopping and she's gone ages , when she gets back she says her card wasn't accepted and she had to go to the bank to sort it out. Turns out she was actually having a birth control implant fitted.
So the time is now due for my second operation, the day before I was due in I asked why she didn't wear her wedding and engagement ring anymore,at first she said she forgets to put them on (can't wear rings at work) she then says they are to big ,I mention that she's actually wearing a ring on her ring finger that fits and I have not seen it before. To which she got defensive yelling and screaming that it's my fault cos I don't want to do anything,I pointed out that I am in constant pain, not mobile and unsteady on feet until after the operation. At which point she threw a bottle at me and missed,so picked up my crutch and started hitting me trying to hit the hip area. She calms down and begs me not to report it to the police.
In the morning and off to hospital she helped me get to the ward and left. And I'm on the operating table at around 11 am, unbeknown to me at the time she has got said work colleague around the house in our bed having sex with him . Now the front of the house has CCTV and a video doorbell so would have been picked up on camera, so she brought him from the back alleyway through the garden and into the house,a neighbour spotted them from their kitchen and also heard them. She then picked me up the following day as if nothing had happened. When she went to work the following day the neighbour knocked and asked who it was she was leading through the garden and back out 2 hours later,I of course said I had been in hospital so didn't know to which the neighbour said that they were making a lot of noise. I haven't mentioned this to her as I'll only be told more lies.

Thoughts please
Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Mummapenguin20 · 17/11/2022 17:55

I think h need to leave

Barry0957 · 17/11/2022 20:31

My thoughts also, although she says she will leave so long as I give her the deposit for a flat,I'm guessing so she can continue with her colleague,so I am currently in discussions regarding a consent order that she has indicated that she is happy to sign and it makes sense since I am disabled and unable to work at present

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 17/11/2022 20:51

She's cheating on you with various men, or so it seems. Time to get rid of her, leave her to her tawdry and sordid romances. Get yourself well and healthy again and make your health your priority, not this silly woman.

Vallmo47 · 17/11/2022 21:01

I’m sorry you’re going through this Op. I couldn’t stay with such a person, the lies will never end and you will never be able to gain the trust back. You will always be asking yourself what the truth is and it’s no way to spend your life. Simply put- you deserve better.

Barry0957 · 17/11/2022 21:06

Thank you for your reply Polly
I think I already knew what I have to do, just getting the final push
So much for loving through sickness and health, didn't take her long to forget her vows,I never asked to get sick . She was quite happy enjoying the fruits of my labour before I got sick

OP posts:
IloveStrawberrylaces · 17/11/2022 21:12

The last tense of to buy is bought

NoDatingForOldMen · 17/11/2022 21:17

She sounds awful, get a no fault divorce asap.

somuchtolearnabout · 17/11/2022 21:26

Why exactly are you posting on here OP? Is it just to offload?

Barry0957 · 17/11/2022 21:28

Thank you vallmo
I know deep down that all the lies and deceit will never stop,as I said in op she supposedly went for counseling about the lying but always seemed a bit hit and miss so I can't really say if she went or not or just used it to spend time with the new man. But the trust is broken and I really don't think I could ever trust her again even if we were to 24 hours a day 7 days a week together Id always be wondering what she is doing on her phone

OP posts:
Barry0957 · 17/11/2022 21:31

somuchtolearnabout
I think it's to just give me the push I need really

OP posts:
somuchtolearnabout · 17/11/2022 21:33

You keep saying the lying is the issue, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Don't be a doormat and allow someone to walk all over you like this, she will never change and it doesn't really sound like you're giving her any reason to change. She's proven time and time again that she's untrustworthy and you've just allowed it to happen. The relationship is dead, salvage some dignity and walk away. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Barry0957 · 17/11/2022 21:44

NoDatingForOldMen
I'm already on the divorce trail filled the paperwork out today

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 17/11/2022 21:46

Barry0957 · 17/11/2022 21:31

somuchtolearnabout
I think it's to just give me the push I need really

You need to push her out the door, that’s the only push you need.

EthicalNonMahogany · 17/11/2022 22:17

@IloveStrawberrylaces you mean past tense, not last tense. Don't bother, really.

Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 22:32

But you've already started the divorce, agreed to a consent order. I'm not sure what kind of last push you need. There's nothing else to push you to do. Marriage is over, you've realised this and already done something about it.

Rogue1001MNer · 18/11/2022 00:25

Ignoring everything else, you relationship sounds very unequal.

Are you much wealthier than her? Perhaps older?

NoodleSoup12 · 18/11/2022 02:16

OP, your wife earns the money and yet somehow it seems like she doesn’t have the money for a deposit - do you control the family finances? Is that why you say you bought the house and cars? Is that why her personal phone is in your name? Why did you ask her about her underwear? Do you think she changed it because she was worried about your reaction? Do you often keep track of what time your wife gets home after social events? Do you think she lied because she was worried about your reaction? Why do you keep mentioning your hips, as if it were relevant? Do you think she’s cheating on you because she expects you would blame her harshly for leaving a man with osteoarthritis? Do you think chronic pain means you win the jackpot of a marriage where you don’t have to try and make it a nice experience for the other person? Did she beg you not to call the police because you threatened her that you would? Do you want credit for painting your bathroom? Do you know what the tablets are for because you googled the name? What a strange thing for the neighbour to knock about — do they know you like to keep tabs on your wife? Or did you bring it up? Why do you think your wife stays with you when she’s clearly unhappy? Why did you marry her about the thing in 2018? To tie her more to you?

Joystir59 · 18/11/2022 03:01

The expression is 'change tack' not 'change tack'. To change tack is a sailing term and means to change direction

Joystir59 · 18/11/2022 03:04

*Not 'change tact'

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