How much did you tell your teens/pre-teens about reasons for your separation?

[DanglyThings]

Just that really. I want to explain to my dcs (15 and 11) that the relationship me and their dad have is not normal, that it is making me unhappy, and that this is a big enough reason to change all of our lives. There's no abuse or even arguing, just laziness on his part, resentment from me, and a complete lack of feeling or understanding between us. He's away this week and we're already all so much more relaxed and having fun without all the tension. So this could be a good time to gently let them know they shouldn't take our example as a good one when they go on to have their own relationships in the future. I don't want to just break it to them that their mum and dad might separate and that's that, but at the same time I don't want to drop a load of emotional baggage on them for the sake of my need to explain. What did you do?

I'd say short and sweet to the kids - your dad and I have decided to separate, we aren't getting on as a married couple should and we think it'll be better for us to separate. We still love you both very much etc etc. Also have prepared what the immediate arrangements will be for them seeing their dad - this will be the question that they ask.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking you need to explain your relationship ending reasons to them - thats for you as adults to navigate through and use your support network to talk through.

I know its hard, but I promise it won't go as you expect it to, so try not to worry yourself sick about it too much.

Thank you @Tiger2018 I've been ridiculously dithering over this for the past few years. It's not going to magically get better, and it's never going to be the right time, I just want them to understand this is not what a loving relationship looks like.

They aren't blind, they probably already are aware. When we told our teens, the younger said she was surprised we didn't break up 10 years earlier! She has since said her dad didn't deserve me and better off without him (he left me)

OP I say this gently - right now it doesn't matter if they understand what a loving relationship looks like. As you've been thinking about this for a long time, is this another way to delay? I had so many reasons to not end my unhappy marriage - in the end it didn't matter which reason it was - it was unhappy.

This reads to me like you haven’t mentioned your desire to split with your husband yet…or am I mistaken?

@W0tnow He's aware of how unhappy I am, but is burying his head. I haven't been able to get the actual words out yet that we need to separate.

Ok. Well in that case say nothing to the kids until you’ve spoken to him, I think.

I wish I could give you advice on getting the words out, apart from just getting the words out. I’m sorry. You sound very unhappy. So does he. You both deserve happiness. Good luck.