What is this, and am I being horrid?

[Am1ABitch]

I have name changed. I feel ashamed at what my life has become, and me, and even too ashamed to admit to friends or family who he is. I have no one to talk to.

What is this?

I am aware that I am in an abusive relationship. He’s emotionally manipulative and controlling, he drinks heavily and gaslights. He uses all money on drink. We have gone without food because of his drinking.

And now, every time I ask him to leave he cries and makes out he is the victim. Unfortunately I saw red when he last did this.. I jumped on him pinched his face hard and shouted at him. I am not proud of this, but I can’t take anymore. It’s the way in which he distorts things and refuses to take any responsibility or even to own up to things he has said and done.

Two years ago I had a complete breakdown, feeling like i'd lost my mind. I won't list everything he has done, i'd be here all day.

I rent, tenancy in my name. I don’t want to involve the police (again) I don’t want to make him homeless, I just want him to sit down like a normal reasonable person and accept I have the right to leave my own marriage now. I feel broken and scared, I don’t have enough money coming in, but I know I can only pull myself up together once he is gone.

My question, why is he trying to make out now he is the victim? We does he think this is all normal and thinks that now I am “feeling better”and speaking up that his endless begging, crying, and apologies will make me feel sorry for him? Is this an abusive tactic? Or is this genuine and I am being a complete bitch. I feel so confused.

If this new “victim” act is an act, I think I can cope. I think I can leave. But I am so broken now I find myself thinking I am horrific and that I have caused this. I don’t like to see him crying and pleading. If in fact I don’t care enough that I’d like him to leave and never set eyes on him again what does it say about me as a person?

Thank you if youv'e managed to read this.

no advice, just sending you positive thoughts, it sounds horrible💐

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

Dear Op, its enough that you want to leave your marriage. You just need to detach from the other person's drama and get free to live your own life. The shame is keeping you stuck. You don't need to be their psychiatrist and solve their life. Just focus on you. First of all carve out some time for your own recovery and get stronger and clearer. Then you can ask them to leave and change the locks, or leave yourself if that is safer. There are lots of online resources, Melanie Tonia Evans for example and offline like Coda fellowships. I offer this humbly, not prescribing to you. Wishing you luck and your freedom.

ToastAndJames

"deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender" mmm, he denies any wrong doing, he distorts reality by refusing to accept he has said or done things. Now I have started to stick up for myself and I am stronger (I had a breakdown 2 years ago) he is making me feel like I am horrid for wanting to end things, but where does "ATTACK" come into it. He isn't outright saying anything nasty to me, or calling me out on bad behaviour.

But now he is apologising, and begging. This is making me feel shit because I do care, I do love him, I just don't want him in my life because I know I am happier without him in my life. I was happy before him and this dysfunction landed in my life. He says he can't cope without me........but after seven years I know i can't cope with him in my life.

Also, just wanted to add that if the person is a narcissist, you may not get acceptance, apology or permission to leave your marriage. You will be a long time waiting. Just give yourself permission and love yourself enough to do it.

This. You're never going to be able to have a reasonable discussion with him.

Please don't make the mistake of waiting for things to be easier to end the marriage because they never will be.

You feel bad for him because you're actually a decent human being. But I can assure you he doesn't feel bad for you. When he's left and you've had some distance from the abuse you'll realise how misplaced your sympathy is.

If you never want to set eyes on him again, it doesn't make you a horrible person, it makes you smart.

He’s attacking you when you tell him you want to end the relationship. You sound like you’ve reached the end of your tether with the situation and his behaviour has provoked you into things that you wouldn’t do ordinarily. Nobody can be responsible for another person’s addiction so don’t feel guilty about wanting to get away. He’s got a big journey ahead if he wants to stop but it sounds like he’s not ready to face it. Only he can make that decision.

It could be useful to speak to Womens Aid and start preparing yourself to leave in a safe way?

You husband is an alcoholic. Alcoholics (and I am one BTW, now thankfully in recovery) will play any card to further their drinking. They will lie, cheat, steal, gaslight, manipulate - there is no depth to which we won't stoop when we're in active addiction.

You are in a strong position here as the tenancy is in your name. Technically speaking, as you are married he does have a legal right to reside in the marital home... however I'd suggest you tell him to leave as he's probably unaware of that.

If he has family/friends to go to, ask him to leave immediately. If he doesn't, maybe ask him to leave by 1st December. Once he's gone, change the locks. (Tell your landlord and give them their copy.)

If he kicks off, phone the police. You have to harden your heart here. Do not let this man drag you down any further. He is yet to find his rock bottom - you have clearly reached yours.

Al-Anon is for the loved ones of alcoholics - you may find great support and help there
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Good luck OP, you deserve better than this

I have wondered whether he is a bit narcissist. He has an issue with drinking. He had a poor childhood. I felt sorry for him. I suppose he's always painted himself as a victim of some sort.

Ive never had a reasonable calm discussion when I have tried to walk away from a relationship. Its always been this sort of awful drama. I don't think its because I am special, I think its because I've chosen men with issues. So I have come to the conclusion that I'd be better not having any more relationships. There is something wrong with me. But I am scared because I'm too old to save enough money, or really cope financially. He earns good money. He is generous in the sense I can do what I like, he never says no. However I know we can't afford everything, because I deal with the money.

Roocakes he won't stop. He has cut down a lot, but he is back to denying he has any sort of problem.

I said yesterday I wanted to work more and save some money "please don't keep going to the pub, we need to save" was met with "I am not, not going to the pub, its normal everyone does" despite knowing our rented house of his choosing is a wreck, and I want to move, despite knowing I am still not entirely well and struggle with social anxiety now, and that he won't even step up and help in the house. I haven't seen a dentist or been to a hairdresser for over four years, but he goes to the pub everyday he has a day off. I'm too afraid to spend money on myself. It can't be afforded. And yet, I won't be better off on my own. :( but I will be happier.