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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bad sex life - is the relationship worth it?

20 replies

Ch1010r · 17/11/2022 13:17

This message may end up a little graphic.

Ive been with my SO for 2 years, and lived together for 1 year. Our relationship is solid, in every aspect apart from sex. He is loving, attentive, cuddly... but...
He is just no longer interested in me sexually. Ive tried to discuss this but it just gets shrugged off.

He used to be all over me, and when i asked what changed - he said "we could get caught then" (he had a female flatmate at that time and now I live with him)

He doesnt look at me like he used to. If we do do anything.... it's only on a weekend morning and all he does to me is finger me. And he cant even seem to look at me if we are doing stuff. Id always make sure he would get to climax though.
He also has erection problems which, initially i was quite understanding but now i think there is more to it.

I've walked in on him masturbating to naked girl pictures. So he does still have a working manhood. I do wonder if perhaps theres some sort of addiction there. Im also pretty sure he browses similiar images when ive popped to the bathroom though I cant be sure.

Back when his flatmate was living there, both of us has discovered that he had taken screenshots of his friends daughter (she is 21, not underage!) He was embarrased to say the least!!

In the 2 years that we've been together... we have never properly kissed. Ive never been in a relationship like this.

Again, all other aspects are good and he certainly does treat me well. But i cant be without sex. I've become so self concious and anxious. And he knows it.
I do recall mentioning to him that he doesnt even look at my body, and he said "thats because its always there and im used to it"

Ahhhhhh. Please, has anyone been in this situation? Did it ever get better?
What would you do?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 17/11/2022 13:21

What a prick! Get him gone.

SunscreenCentral · 17/11/2022 13:23

Omg. Why are you with him??? You can do so much better. Don't waste any more of your precious time and energy on this. LTB

mackthepony · 17/11/2022 13:25

Oh god just get rid and find a proper fella

GreyCarpet · 17/11/2022 13:26

I don't even know where to begin with this.

How did you find yourself in a relationship with him?? Let alone a 2 year long one?

You are allowed to say no you know..?

RatherBeRiding · 17/11/2022 13:28

That's not a relationship - it's a flatshare. And, no, sorry but the relationship isn't 'solid' unless you actually want a celibate relationship. Which you are very clear that you don't. He is making no attempts to address the lack of intimacy and obviously isn't remotely bothered about your sexual needs. Which makes him not a good guy I'm afraid.

Sounds like the live-in relationship is convenient for him but sadly you are not, by the sounds of it, that important to him. And the bit about taking pics of his friend's daughter? WTAF?? He sounds like a sleazy creep. Do you really class this as a solid relationship?

Whataretheodds · 17/11/2022 13:29

It will not get better. Some people are ok with sexless relationships (maybe because one partner is physically unable) but these still involve affection and appreciation.

Your partner is physically able and doesn't show you affection. You don't want to go without sex. So why would you stay?

Tomatoblush · 17/11/2022 13:29

I couldn’t live like this.
You are worth so much more. Get out and find someone who adores you.

category12 · 17/11/2022 13:34

Sounds like you'd be better off as friends.

Although him creeping on a friend's daughter would put me off friendship as well. What do you actually see in the guy?

I wouldn't stay with him, it'll shred your self esteem to stick around to be rejected sexually while he lechs on other women.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2022 13:37

FFS, stop wasting your time! He sounds like a total creep.

Santagiveyoursackawash · 17/11/2022 13:40

Before your self worth is on it's knees find a man who will happily get on HIS knees for you!
Yabu to accept no sex....

Ocampa · 17/11/2022 13:41

Back when his flatmate was living there, both of us has discovered that he had taken screenshots of his friends daughter (she is 21, not underage!) He was embarrased to say the least!!

Wait, what? Why are you even talking to him? That's so wrong and disgusting, what were you thinking not breaking up with him when you found this out?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2022 13:46

I can’t imagine anything that could make living like this worth it, no. It’s not just bad sex, though that’s plenty of reason to leave, he won’t communicate, he’s wanking over other women, you self esteem has already been completely trashed and for some bizarre reason you’re putting up with it. Why? Being alone isn’t anywhere near as bad as being with a shit boyfriend!

miltonj · 17/11/2022 14:02

'We could get caught then'

That's very telling.... he was turned on by the thought of his female flat mate catching him have sex. Perhaps he wanted her to see him in a sexual light? Or maybe he wanted to make her feel uncomfortable? Either way, it's not on, and he was possibly thinking about her during sex with you. Especially as he's not bothered about sex, now that's out of the equation. Just get rid, there's loads of proper men out there.

Ch1010r · 17/11/2022 14:53

Reading back through your comments is suggesting some major red flags.
I guess I am just hoping things would change but i have to accept that they wont.
Has anyone been in a sexless relationship? Im guessing confidence can return after leaving. You know, when you know something isnt right but you constantly give the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, thats ran out now. No one deserves to be made feel like that!

OP posts:
SomePosters · 17/11/2022 15:18

Never ceases to amaze me the things people will normalise.

can we implement the freedom programme in schools?

what do we have to do to educate women that they don’t just have to put up with any half arsed loser who takes an interest.

Op, all this time and energy you’re investing into this relationship, making it work etc you could be spending on yourself!

Get counselling, consider your sense of self and of self worth, address your self talk… whatever it is that you need to work through.

Your pre wired to make you want to care for this man baby but you can overcome that

Start imagining a future that you want… with or without a partner and building towards that future through saving or investing in education.

invest in yourself and create the life you want to live instead of being a character in his life!

SomePosters · 17/11/2022 15:20

Read also as things I wish I knew 20 years ago.

Good luck op. I really mean that.

You deserve a good life surrounded by people who make you feel good.
Yyou don’t have to live like this.

Comedycook · 17/11/2022 15:27

Two years and you've never properly kissed! Wow, that is really weird...sorry op

Aikko · 17/11/2022 15:38

I thought this was a joke thread.

Honestly, move on.... .

hodgeheg22 · 17/11/2022 15:42

Ok I can sympathise in some respects. Dh and I have mismatched libidos and have both made compromises. I'm still not 100% happy with the frequency and quality but it is what it is and I love him dearly so I will live with it.

However if I had even the slightest inclination he had screenshotted and quite probably wanker over photos of a 21 year old known to us both, he would be gone.

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/11/2022 17:54

Back when his flatmate was living there, both of us has discovered that he had taken screenshots of his friends daughter

You need to do urgent work on your self esteem; I really can’t comprehend how you see this person as boyfriend material…

The mind boggles 😳

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